I did take it down again pretty quickly. I unfriended them a long time ago. Her friends I don't think have any idea what she's done. She won't be telling them. But she is stupid enough not to have changed any of her passwords for remote access to anything!
Had more of my lovely colleagues giving me support yesterday, and saying they didn't know how I'd dealt with it all so well, and how hideous they both are.
Almost makes up for the paintball bruises!
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
Hi Aver, Checking in to see how you're doing. You sound good! I'm impressed how giving you are, posting on other's threads. I haven't even posted on mine! But, I will.
Sounds like a great weekend w your old friend. That's wonderful. Old friends can be such a comfort. They can remind you of your life before X. Sounds cathartic that you & she were able to share some insights on X. You seem to be processing through this in the best possible way. -If you're feeling better, then it's helping.
I hope you have some fun plans for the holiday weekend. I just finished a big project at work & now need to focus on some GAL activities.
Thinking of you, and sending lots of (((())))) your way. I'll check back soon! ((((Aver))))
I was thinking of you this morning, hoping for a GAL update.
I am making progress. I am moving along.
BUT--and I said this to my therapist yesterday--the key thing--and my tendency to do--would be to say "well, OK! got thru that! Whatever!" and then NOT DO THE NECESSARY WORK.
Such that I would be back in her office 10 years from now, sobbing out the same story.
I have a talent for covering up, covering over, dismissing, not acknowledging all the crap--thus my current state. So if my friends and therapist DON'T push me, I will go back into the comfort zone.
And I want to. Why not? It's comfortable there! No need for huge feelings; no need to be open and intimate and take all the risks thereof--
what sort of idiot would go thru this incredible pain and say "I know! I'll be open and trusting and intimate--open myself right up to the possibility of pain!"
No, no, Aver's tendency is to be closed off and not let that happen! And it worked so well for 22 years! Why change it?
You musn't let me be so lazy. Take the easy way out.
So many people on these BB have inspired me with their growth, self-knowledge, determination not to make the same mistake twice.
I am afraid I won't live up to that inspiration.
I don't have big plans for the weekend, and it isn't quite freaking me out yet. I do have some modest plans.
LFA--I'll want a full report on your GAL for the weekend!
And let me know how the sitch with the puppies worked out.
You're doing well honey. Look back - it is OK to be proud of what you have achieved so far. I think the fact that you're here saying "I can be lazy" is a good start on not being.
Hang on in there Aver. And if you need it I'll be along with a big stick and a kilted carrot. You ARE an inspiration to many of us.
So tell us what your modest plans are!
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
I also put out the "don't let me be lazy" to a friend who just yesterday confided that his M is pretty much out the door.
It was sad and sweet--he apologized profusely for not being there for me much this year, but the problem was it was hitting too close to home for him and W.
And then--there I am--handing out DB advice like I know what I'm talking about: Create the Crisis. You don't have to live in Limbo. In-house Separation.
Boy, the things you learn that you wish you didn't have to.
The weekend turned out great. A bike ride came together, followed by dinner and good company; the Memorial Day Parade (biggest one in the state!) was great, and the aforementioned friend took me to the lake to hang out to Create A New Tradition. (as X and I had hosted a big BBQ after parade)
Then I debated awhile and decided it would be good to wake up on this rainy Tuesday, which is the 1st, which is Monthly Bombaversary Day with my Town Meeting Escort friend (need an acronym for him!) so I put that into place.
And now I am at home, ostensible "working" but doing OKAY at being in house on a dreary day, and not fretting or flopping or freaking out. Doing OKAY.
Guys--I have come so far in these 10 months. So far. Would never have believed it possible. Would NOT be possible without all of you. Still not convinced that I'm glad to be saved yet, but I can almost see that happening.
Can I ask for tech help? Gardener--tinyurl my two threads? "how to do a 180 when you've been too independent" "next steps"?
Thought I was more computer savvy than that, but oh well--learning to ask for help!
BUT--and I said this to my therapist yesterday--the key thing--and my tendency to do--would be to say "well, OK! got thru that! Whatever!" and then NOT DO THE NECESSARY WORK.
Such that I would be back in her office 10 years from now, sobbing out the same story.
I have a talent for covering up, covering over, dismissing, not acknowledging all the crap--thus my current state. So if my friends and therapist DON'T push me, I will go back into the comfort zone.
And I want to. Why not? It's comfortable there! No need for huge feelings; no need to be open and intimate and take all the risks thereof--
Aver, Me TOO! What a shocker! I've done all of the above. I understand. And I don't really think for a second you would, after all of this, go back to your old comfort zone, I don't know if it's really possible.
You already are living up to the inspiration - I see it in your posts to me & many others. I think it's healthy to be worried about going back to bad old habits - for me (in other areas) it's the worry that keeps me from doing it!
You're aware, and that in itself is really pretty huge. But I hear what you're saying about doing the work. That is a HUGE piece, and all my favorite inspirations on this board are all about action.
I think you are doing amazingly, and your GAL keeps me inspired. I didn't do that well this weekend BTW probably a C on the GAL. I know, I know! Spontaneous just doesn't work well for me, I have to make plans. I had only 1 night planned, so I failed to GAL successfully.
You know that old saying: those who fail to make plans plan to fail, or something irritating like that! I'm glad you had a great weekend though, you're inspirational Aver!
I'll check back soon. Thanks for your support, I can't tell you how much it means. ((((hugs))))
Last edited by LookingFrAnswers; 06/01/1010:24 PM.
Hopefully you are right--like being an alcoholic--half the battle is knowing you have a problem.
Unfortunately, it is too easy to go back to the same habits. We even see it here--people who successfully DB'd and then...post again in a year or so.
I'm trying to imagine this intimacy thing with another person--I thought I was doing it with X--and if that wasn't intimacy--if he didn't feel connected to me on a "deep, personal level" as he said enroute out the door--then I have quite the journey to make discovering what intimacy is.
Well, I do know, I guess. All my friends got treated to more intimacy from Aver than they ever wanted this past year.
Oh, dear, just started crying as I typed out "one year."
I better go check your thread, LFA, and find out what your "C" level GAL was! And yes, you have to make plans--I don't do well with unstructured time, and as we are twins separated at birth, I imagine you don't, either!
Aver, I'm not that familiar with your sitch but why do you assume you were a failure at intimacy because your spouse gave you a verbal slap in the face on his way out the door? My wife said lots of things about me right down to the way I made love to her, does that make me a lousy lover? NO, it means I had a spouse who looked for everything she possibly could to legitimize why she was ending a 17 year marriage and cheating on me. That doesn't mean we shouldn't look at these criticisms but don't just accept it like gospel, know that it came from someone with an alternative agenda, making himself feel good about what he was doing. Btw, the one year anniversary does suck, it gets easier though.
I still read up on ya.... I just wanted to say. Congrats on reclaiming a weekend... 
probably a C on the GAL. I know, I know! Spontaneous just doesn't work well for me, I have to make plans. I had only 1 night planned, so I failed to GAL successfully.