- I think you're absolutely right to insist on no trip to other country . . . RIGHT NOW. If she does have those childhood connections to it, tho, I think you're going to have to tell her that there will come a time again when you feel comfortable going WITH her there, but there are just too many triggers there for you right now. I don't think you have a right to say "never, and not alone, but i won't go with you," though.
- I think you're absolutely right that she get rid of her affair momentos -- Affair-Busting/Reconcilation 101 stuff, that. She may fight you on that, tho -- HARD. See Hope4Us's old posts on that; it took his wife nearly a YEAR, I think, including MONTHS even after they were going really good like you and your wife are right now (even better).
- If OM's $$$ wasn't a loan, but just on trips to see him, I think you should let that sleeping dog lie. Having her pay him back only keeps her entangled with him, financially and emotionally. Chalk it off!
- STD test, I think you should offer to get one too. If I"m reading you right, you don't want to be SO okay to this that she doesn't perceive any threat that you've dated someone else??? Heck, you could have been using protection, but in any event, fair is fair.
I can predict what is going to happen, on any one of the above, or some combination of them: your wife is going to revolt, and you're going to have a spew-filled, major-full-blown SETBACK.
Let her.
Stay calm, stay actually LOVING, and say "Look, I understand completely if you're not ready to do this. I'm just telling you what I need in order to feel safe again in the marriage, considering what you've been doing this past year."
and STICK TO THAT.
If she's sincere, it will blow over. If she's NOT, and this has all been some set-up to get her (and maybe your kids) to go to other country, then better you find out now.
