Help

[MESSIMADE]

I know I totally handled things all wrong. I am in total agreement with you. I should have dialed 911. And the reason why I didn't is (you are right again) I new it was wrong and was I over my head.

I am totally transparent. She knows everything and I have been honest. The OW has painted a picture that makes me look worse that the truth does. There are a few details that she believes the OW over me and they are damning details. (It is the OW way of getting even with me, I understand that and I new that that is what she meant when she told me that "You know your wife believes everything I tell her don't you?") I came clean to my wife 2/25/10. I had to, I could no longer live w/what I was doing to her. She deserved better and I told on myself.

No she wanted time in the beginning, but now she wants a D after baby is born. (Our state won't allow D while pregnant).

Yes we are in contact daily. She is totally awesome about allowing me back in the house to spend the evenings with my son. We recently celebrated his 3rd BD our families together. We (her, her folks, and I) just repainted the entire exterrior of our house. On Memorial Day we had a weenie roast (that's what son wanted to do with the stick he's been collecting from the yard) with our families and some friends. Maybe I should post an email she sent me:

I COULD USE SOME HELP HERE. MY WIFE TOLD ME THAT IF I WANTED A CHANCE TO FIX THINGS SHE NEEDED SPACE TO THINK AND WANTED ME TO "MOVE SOME OF MY STUFF" OUT OF THE HOUSE 2/28/09. I TOOK ENOUGH THINGS WITH ME TO GET BY. ABOUT 2 WEEKS INTO THE SEPARATION I GOT THIS EMAIL:
(I think it’s only fair for you to know how I’m feeling. I can not find one ounce of trust or forgiveness in my body and I’m not sure that I really want to. If I wasn’t pregnant I would be pursuing a divorce now. So I just want you to be prepared for that outcome this fall. I want to remain totally civil to each other and I would like to try to work out the details of separating things so that we will both be happy. I know this is not what you wanted to hear but this is how is has to be. This doesn’t mean that you can’t come see Son in the evenings or mornings anymore, I just wanted you to know how I feel.)

TO MAKE A VERY LONG STORY SHORT THIS IS STILL WHERE WE ARE AT DESPITE MY EFFORTS TO BE TOTALLY TRANSPARENT, SHOW HER HOW SORRY & REMORSEFUL I AM AND HOW MUCH I REGRET THE PAIN AND HURT AND EMBARRASEMENT I HAVE CAUSED HER, OUR FAMILY, AND OUR FAMILIES (WE LIVE IN A VERY SMALL TOWN THAT KNOWS THE WHOLE STORY OR SOME VERSION OF IT. BOTH OUR PARENTS LIVE ON THE SAME STREET AS WE DO. HER FATHER IS MY BEST FRIEND NEXT TO MY WIFE), BE CONSISTENT, CONTINUE TO DO LOVING THINGS AND BE LOVING, TOTALLY HAVE NO CONTACT WITH OW AND HAVE FOLLOWED THE STEPS IN "HOW TO GAIN FORGIVENESS AND RESPECT AFTER YOUR AFFAIR" BY KATIE COSTON. I MISS MY WIFE SO MUCH. SHE IS VERY CIVIL AND MATTER OF FACT, NOT HATEFUL AT ALL, SHE JUST HAS THIS PLAN FOR THE END OF OUR MARRIAGE THAT I DON'T WANT. I KNOW OUR OLD MARRIAGE IS OVER, BUT I WANT A NEW ONE WITH HER AND AM TRYING TO SHOW HER THAT I CAN BE THE HUSBAND THAT SHE DESERVES AND I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE. HOW DO I HELP HER HEAL, BEGIN TO TRUST ME AGAIN, AND FIND SOME TINY BIT OF FORGIVENESS SO THAT WE CAN GET OFF THE PATH LEADING TO DIVORCE AND ON TO A PATH LEADING TOWARDS RECONCILING?