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[MESSIMADE]

Oh believe me I know/knew it was wrong. I don't know wtf I was thinking.
I was actually saying we thought we were friends, what we were was cheaters. I have had no contact w/OW since middle of March. I want no contact with her. I am glad that my double life is over, I wanted it to be over b4 I got cought the 1st time, but I didn't have the balls to come clean then and face the music. I only dug a deeper whole to keep her satisfied. That's when the phone sex started and agreeing to meet. (At the time she didn't actually say meet for sex, but I knew why she wanted to me).
I know we both should be so excited and sharing the birth of our second child and celebrating that new life. My actions have totally messed up our family and I will regret this until my dying day.
She new about the situation before we got engaged, so she wasn't totally blind sided, but blind sided for the last 3 years.
I do realize that she was playing me about suicide to some extent. I did some research and asked questions that you can find on suicide prevention sites and had answers that pointed to "don't leave this person alone." She had went far enought with the "play" that her husband found notes she left for her 3 girls. So stupid me chose to error on the safe side and instead I could loose so much. Enough about her though. What I did was wrong, point blank.

I have been digging deep in my past to see what in the world clicked in my brain that let me think that this was and "ok" behavior/actions. I have been in IC, I'm an open book.

I might add that my wife's father is my best friend. Look how bad I fd up such a good thing.