Had a 4 hour productive conversation today , face to face with the WAW and our neighbor , who has helped both of us, has a backround in counseling and a degree in psychology. When I pointed out that her current situation ( moving back in with her EX) gave her everything she needed from me , that I couldn't give, emotional support, a roof over her head that she doesn't have to worry about paying for, etc. She let it slip that she DIDN'T have "everything she wanted " because " I don't have YOU !""
That was a HUGE slip, and in talking to our "counselor" in private later, she had been watching her mannerisms , body language etc and even she believes it was a SINCERE and heartfelt thing she said, just not something she wanted me to know NOW.
Needless to say, while I kept a poker face, inside my heart SOARED to here her say that. We even wound up having another hour and a half talk without the mediator present, civilly and respectfully. She admitted to getting counseling, admitted to resisting it the first couple visits and when I asked why now, after so many years of me begging her to go, she acknowledged that she didn't want to admit she needed help.
She also told me that almost everyone had been telling her to NOT quit on us, including her EX. I still find it REALLY hard to believe that, considering he has a powerful motive to try to get back with her, at our expense. But she INSISTS it is a strictly platonic relationship, that she even has her own room.
Im still VERY unhappy and uneasy about this living arrangement, and I stressed I was no where NEAR ready and didn't want him participating in ANY activities having to do with US and OUR kids, which she said she could understand and respect.
She also told me that he apparently was upset that THEIR twins call ME " Daddy , apparently because they were asking questions about seeing me. She said she told him " Your going to have to deal with it, because he ( meaning me) was there for them when YOU ( meaning him ) weren't.
I invited her ( strictly as friends ) to a free Country Music Concert I got last minute tickets for, that I was taking our daughter to anyway. I know she wants to go, but its now a question of her work schedule. She also told me that IF she went, HE would have to go also ( I cant be a dick to him like that after what he's done for me ). I told her there was NO WAY I was at a point where I could be sociable with him and suggested an alternative of if we sat apart from each other and she split her time between sitting with me and our daughter and sitting with him and she did say she would consider it, so that's a positive I guess.
For all I know, it might really be true that there is and will not and CANNOT be anything physical between them because of their past history and OUR almost 14 year relationship. Maybe he really ISN'T trying to offer anything other then support, but I still see a HUGE threat. Its even been suggested that I speak to him, but I'm REALLY not sure I'm ready for that yet. And I don't know how she would react if I flat out told him,politely of course, that I have NO intention of not fighting for our relationship and family.
Towards the end, when she finally had to leave for work, she started getting a little teary, and I took a gamble and reached out and stroked her shoulder. Two to three weeks ago she would have recoiled from such a gesture like I had rabies, today she didn't flinch and actually let me do it.
I know I might be treading a fine line of violating some of the DB techniques, but this is a very weird and unique situation with a woman that DOES NOT think or process things the way most "normal " people do, so I'm taking some liberties in small ways to gauge the reaction.
I KNOW its still a LONG WAY and a TON of hard work ahead, but based on today, I really am starting to think we might just come out of this reunited and stronger then ever.
Either that or I'm being played for a fool by a master with sociopathic tendencies and this is all a ploy to not fight her over custody and then I'll get stomped on. But she did readily agree to put in writing that I can have the kids WHENEVER I want, but she's insisting on them living with her.
I reminded her that when Im able to start counseling their going to want to get her input/perspective on things, which she readily agreed to so... The only thing I don't know, and for obvious reasons cant ask, is if HER counselor believes in repairing relationships like everyone suggests. So there's definitely some wild-cards at play here.
We're to chew on things over the weekend and write down what we want and have another meeting with our neighbor/counselor on Tues, trying to hash all this out before Court on Thursday.
So.............. Upbeat and positive, but still heavy hearted , wary and anxious at the same time.
