You are thinking like a guy. MC isn't like taking your car into the shop, you don't just "fix" it. You didn't get to this point in a few weeks it will take time to reconcile if that is where you are headed. You will be tested, spewed on, and triggers tripped be prepared. You have a opportunity to go into this and have the marriage you both want. You can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I'm on lunch now, so I'll try to fill in some of the blanks about last night.
C did say this was, unfortunately, common. She told W that falling "out" of love didn't mean that it was gone for good. Love was a choice and she could choose to love me again. She loved me once, etc. C said the M is not beyond saving, from what she heard from the two of us. W said she feels like she has been trying by herself for a couple of years and can't do it anymore. C then explained some communication differences between men and women. A lot of the same stuff covered on here quite often. W seemed a little surprised by some of it.
C also told W that while she had her personal time, coaching, school board, twins club, I really didn't have any because of W's work schedule and me being at home with kids when she was not. Also something about being artistic-my being a musician and being in bands in the past-and needing that artistic outlet to let off steam and so forth. She suggested painting or writing, something like that for the artistic side of me. I don't know if there is anything to that or not. I never really thought about it like that. C told W that I needed time just as much as she did. W agreed. I pointed out that W worked every weekend. That is no ones fault, just the way it is. I can't go fishing on the weekend while she is at work. Fishing is(was) my relaxing time. I used to tournament fish and had to give it up because of W work schedule. I didn't feel right getting someone to spend the night with the kids so I could leave for a tournament at 3:30am just to go fishing. The same with playing music. I wouldn't get home until 2:00 or 3:00am in time for her to leave for work and then get up with the kids. They are usually awake between 6:00 and 6:30. Not enough sleep for kids. Anyway, C stressed to W that I needed time too.
Like I said, it wasn't all bad. We were there for over two hours and it seemed to fly by. I admit, I was wanting to hear my W say, yes, I am willing to give this one last chance. I know that is unrealistic. She may feel that way, and may not. I do know my changes have to be real and permanent no matter what happens with our M. I have to show her I won't slip back into the same old patterns. I can do that. I must quit backsliding so much. No more arguments. No more limbo.
Right there with you buddy......keep going with the positive changes you have made
M: 39 W: 39 Kids (3): S10; S8; D4 Married 14 years Togethor: 18 years Wife's Weird Behavior Started: 2nd Half of 2009 Bomb Dropped (about being "so done"): 2/17/10 Current Status: In counseling
know my changes have to be real and permanent no matter what happens with our M. I have to show her I won't slip back into the same old patterns. I can do that. I must quit backsliding so much. No more arguments. No more limbo.
Exactly! I need to nail this to my forehead.
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
I was wanting to hear my W say, yes, I am willing to give this one last chance.
She did say it. Remember when you were sure it was all over? Then, out of the blue, she and you got the courage to begin marriage counselling again!
Backslides are hard to stop when you feel like you got hit by an avalanche. Put on the deodorant and get working on all the long-term 180s you can. Now it is action time!
Backslides are hard to stop when you feel like you got hit by an avalanche. Put on the deodorant and get working on all the long-term 180s you can. Now it is action time!
That's all I can do right now. I am working on them. Also GAL, which was brought up in the C session. "Well, he goes out after work and helps his friend re-fab a rental house..." The C said, so? That's a good thing. I still feel guilty sometimes about leaving the kids. I know I need to stop feeling that way. I am with them when mom is out running around, every morning and every night. If I go out and do something with my friends because the W doesn't want to be with me, I have nothing to feel guilty about.
I have made much progress and need to keep the changes going and make them second nature instead of thinking about them all the time. Keeping the M intact is best, but I won't miss this woman at all when she goes. Either she goes and my W comes back, or she goes and stays gone. That's her two choices.
Please can somebody help me work out how much I go in and bat for the kids with my H? I was doing so well until last night until I came back from seeing some girlfriends and he was at the house with the kids. They are still so angry and upset with him for leaving and frustrated 'cos he just doesn't understand why they are not happy that he is happy (there's that alien again!). Anyway, after one of the kids stormed off to bed and the H walked out I did a massive backslide and phoned him to suggest that he needs to be there to help me deal with situations like this ... that its not fair on the boys that he won't talk things through with them I explained (yet again) their feelings of abandonment and how they really need him involved in their lives. He was such a devoted father prior to his MLC that kicked in last September. I tried to keep my voice calm (think I managed this) tried not to repeat myself (kind of managed this) did not make any personal digs (okay, maybe just one little one) kept the conversation just about the kids and no relationship talk. So now I feel like I've undone so much of the good work I've been doing. Is there anybody who can help me understand how to manage the talks about the kids? Thank you so much.
Just a quick note, when we were done last night, I fully expected the C to ask us to make another appt. She did not. She said to call when and if we wanted to come back. I really wanted her to say, "Okay, I'll see the two of you back here in two weeks." So, I guess play it cool and see if there are any changes in her attitude or willingness to "work on the M" and bring it up later, or just wait?....
You are a really good person, and I am so sorry for all that you have gone through lately with you WAW. However, you are doing a great job taking care of yourself and your kids. You can be very proud of the person you are and your kids will too. They have good role model in you.
Your attitude is very positive. I know you want your marriage to work as we all do, but you are not willing to compromise yourself or your values. For that, you are doing great.
I would wait a little bit for your W to say something or when you feel it is the right time to bring up MC. From my experience, I felt too much time between sessions was not helpful. I wish the sessions were consistent for me and the W.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
I have made much progress and need to keep the changes going and make them second nature instead of thinking about them all the time. Keeping the M intact is best, but I won't miss this woman at all when she goes. Either she goes and my W comes back, or she goes and stays gone. That's her two choices.
Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but what I'm seeing is "she needs to change". She does. But, if she wasn't having an affair and he was just a friend/colleague, then you were very bad to her.
IDL, the other thing is that your old wife should NOT return. You and her wouldn't be having problems like you did/are if she and you were different. You both need to pull up your socks and build a new, stronger relationship. If either of you chooses not to or you do not like the results of the new relationship, then you leave.
