From here, it doesn't seem that K gave you any indication that he was interested in a dating relationship with you after your first two dates. Indeed, he seems to have consistently turned down your advances from what I can tell. Moreover, you told him you were stepping away and he did nothing to encourage you not to do so. Basically, you did his “ending things” work for him. He took his old college GF with whom he's been in touch with for more than a year on a family vacation after quite a bit of intense dating given the distance between them.
The thing to recognize here is that this was probably more of a fantasy R than anything else -- you haven't truly lost a significant romantic partner in your life because he was not one.
You wrote: “I felt that there was something going on. I should have just asked him then but hindsight is 20/20.”
Well, it depends what you mean. “Hey, I want to make sure we’re on the same page. I feel like you aren’t interested in continuing to date, is that correct?” would seem appropriate. In contrast, “Hey, what’s going on with you and College GF? Are you running around on me? Is she more important to you than me? How could you do this without telling me?...” approach would be way over the top.
Now, it is really time to cut ties. Unfriend him. Quit looking at his FB and his GF’s FB. It’s done.
The fact is: You had an online/phone relationship, a couple of casual dates, things didn't work out. (BTW, this is a good reason to do the in-person stuff VERY soon.) Most dates don't lead to relationships, and most relationships fail. So, this is all entirely normal. You weren’t exclusive. He effectively stopped dating you after two dates. It would have been nice if he had been direct and told you that he wasn’t interested in a dating relationship. Instead, he seems to have gone the weak non-confrontational route. But, other than not being direct, it doesn’t seem like he even led you on. Again, I don’t know what you said in emails, in phone calls, etc… But nothing in what I read suggests that he tried to make you believe that he saw you as a serious dating partner.
Beyond that, you apparently seeing more in what was going on looks to be pretty need driven. Again, entirely normal after a D. But, the need is about you, not about him. Consider that you might have been engaging in a bit of replay of what happened post-bomb -- trying to do it "right" this time, trying to have control, etc... Again, entirely normal. But, again, the feelings of need and desire aren't so much about him, but about the old pain and loss.
But, there is a lot to be gained here. You know that there is a future now. You can be aware of tendencies to react to old stuff in current relationships. (There is no avoiding this, the old stuff will be worked out somewhere with someone. But knowing that helps a lot, and helps avoid going into old cycles. )
Look, pretty much everyone in Surviving goes through a second adolescence, just like the WAS did, the timing is just different. To be blunt, most folks here will have some kind of intense fantasy R based on neediness that then quickly crumbles. It hurts because the bandaid is gone, not because the person is gone. They will go off on wild trips with strangers. They will change their appearance, try out different ways of living in the world. All normal. You are just in the middle of it right now. It’s OK, have fun. But keep an eye out for what works and what doesn’t work for you. Keep your eyes peeled for when you are acting out or engaging in teenage manipulations. And I don’t mean that in a disparaging way. I mean it when I say that pretty much everyone here goes through a second adolescence. It is no coincidence that so many people find themselves in weird relationships with old teenage flames. It is part of remembering who we were *before.* It is part of figuring out who we want to become. Adolescence (even midlife, lol) is exciting, intense, rich. But it is unstable, shifting, a time of experimenting and discovery. It is a time of great opportunity too. Keep your eyes open, welcome the experience, and take better care of yourself through it than you did in actual high school (because you really are older and wiser and more compassionate), and eventually you’ll come out the other side a much fuller and happier person that you ever would have anticipated.
But, to do this, you do sometimes have to pause, stop the FBing, stop browsing for new high heels and sexy underwear, set aside the cell phone, turn down the music that suddenly speaks to you so much more now than it did the last 20 years, and listen to your wise caring objective self tucked deep inside. Look for what you take forward as you reinvent yourself into a whole, flourishing, happy, passionate person, all on your very own.
