Trying to talk her into being happy or reasoning with her isn't going to help, she WANTS to argue the negative...
if she has depression she is going to look for any opportunity to reply negatively to what you offer up...
The best thing to do is invite her to keep the commentary constructive like i suggested OR project a positive energy and ignore her commentary completely...
engaging the negative commentary or reacting to it is not going to help you I don't think...
You have to gauge this fully, we can only make a rough assessment here from th forum i'm afraid...
I honestly am thinking your wife is getting some perverse pleasure out of making you squirm and pursue her like this...
Gee, ya think???
She is getting a focused and determined OfficerInNeed, and all she has to feed him is crap. Why should she even change anything? One may assume she can keep her home life like this, and pick up a new OM for the other needs of hers.
FIL and W do not keep in contact often. I see the logs, they communicate once or twice a week whether it be TM or a call. When the two do not communicate he gets concerned and send W TM asking how she is. When W and FIL were communicating at least once a day via TM or call and when I was seeing FIL every other day going up to the hospital FIL got a better impression of how things were going and said things to me like "be safe" "Love you guys" and kept in touch with me via TM sending me updates on his GF.
This is how a usual conversation between me and my W go.
Sometimes W would spontaneously say "I'll be leaving soon anyway" if I don't respond she will just keep going and talk like such
- I'm leaving anyway say nothing - I will talk to my father's lawyer say nothing - and I don't know what were going to do about the dog
She will just keep going. I think if I say nothing she will think that I have given up and she'll want out even more because she will feel unwanted.
The one time I responded with "running away is not going to make things better for either of us long term" it seemed to have an affect.
My W is not the type of person to just walk out the room if I stare at her in such a way. She is the type to keep at it to get her point across.
I have been so caught up in the A and OM that I strayed away from actual recommended DB techniques. I will have to get a refresher.
W and I had a descent interaction today for the most part besides a few slip ups on my part my expecting something in return from her and allowing it to affect me.
Also I did something said something stupid...W has naturally curly hair and she is straightening it again today, dont get me wrong it looks good as well but not the same. So I said "Straightening your hair?" she replied "yes" and I said like a nitwit "I don't think <dog name> likes your hair straight" and W looked at the dog and said "Well pup, I make my own decisions and if I want to straighten my hair I will"...I knew that was intended for me.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
You could try something new like NOT reacting. Don't act casual, don't dismiss it, just look at her and hold your reaction... just look at her and watch her... she may just turn away eventually and walk out of hte room
She say "WHAT? I am. I put up with this and that for 10 years, I want to be happy..." and that will go on and on until she gets a reaction.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I wanted to know for those who have reconciled, during the time the sitch was bad did your WS express same feeling "ILBNILY" "can never be with you again" "we got married for all the wrong reasons" did they ever 180 since you started to piece back together and say "ILY" or "I am happy with you"...cause as of now I just can't ever see that stage happening.
OIN,
all thru July, 2007 -- my wife tells me (and voice recordings pick up her telling OM): "I can't stay married to Puppy anymore." . . ."I can't STAND you!" . . . "I WANT A DIVORCE!" . . . "Our marriage has been bad for a LONG TIME, and YOU KNOW IT!" . . . "If I have to stay married to (Puppy) much longer, I think I"ll be PHYSICALLY ILL!"
Aug. 19, 2007 -- my wife sends TMs to OM: "I love you" . . . "No one ever did it for me like you before."
Aug. 24, 2007 -- my wife begs me to take her back, sobbing, telling me "You're my home" . . . "I've always loved you" . . . "I can't imagine being married to anyone but you!"
VERY normal stuff, OIN -- her brain's a mess right now, chemically.
I reread my last statement. I am definately not trying to pour salt on you or your situation. Sometimes I have to use cynacism to keep my head. Do what you think you need to do, just like the rest of us. You will know how much you are willing to do and when you are done.
I asked my W if she would like to go to the movies today. I would have to call off work to spent the evening with her. W said "if you want" I replied "I would like to but it is really up to you, if your up to it" W then shrugged her shoulders and said "we can go"
I asked W what is the best way to do this. She is going to a wake for co-worker grandmother. I suggested that I drive with her, drop her off at the funeral home and go to a store in the area, when she was done we would go tot he show straight from there...W said we can go when she gets back home, which is senseless because we would have to drive back out that way again...
I made a comment to W about her arm brace and she said "I know somebody already made fun of me about it" as she laughed and I said "I was not making fun of you just commenting is all" and I turned my head back to the news and she said "What!?!?" I asked what in response she said the faces your making as she nods her head walks away and talks to herself.
I wanted to say something but did not.
my question is, Would I be wrong to now go to work canceling out our plan to see the movie? would that leave a bad taste in her mouth? I am just upset about her attitude and her decisions that I don't think it is work me not going to work for her to act like this OR should I just suck it up and be thankful she is willing to go to the show with me?
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Why don't you see what's available first... I am big on movies, but if you pick some flighty romance film it's just going to put a sour taste in HER mouth comparing you to some movie star...
I try to be very selective about the films I endorse seeing...
I don't see the harm in the film in general, depending on what it is... Don't take her to some romantic chick flick, you are going to just pale in comparison to some fantasy romance film ...
Why are you two batting around this "i only wanna go if you wanna go" crap...
Why not tell her you want to see x and invite her along... If she says no, you go anyway...
It is a comedy that we both want to see and agreed we would go see. I asked if she wanted to do it this evening. I would not "bat" around it if it did not require for me to call off work to spend the evening with her BUT she is being a 'you know what' so I am debating if I should even call off of work.
If I decide to go to work then I crush the plan and I am wondering if that is a bad move at this point since we agreed to go already.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Whatever you do, don't surprise her. If you changed your mind about the movie, just say so. "Hey, let's do the movie another time. I have work and you have the funeral. We'll do it another day." You are not blaming her for calling it off; you are just calling it off.
