My Husband Just Left Me

[BrownEyes]

CityGirl,
I agree. And when I say that he is a completely different person than the person I knew 3 years ago, I mean it. It's almost like he is not based in reality anymore. It is very sad. You can almost see the inner tormoil inside of him. I know he is DEEPLY ashamed of this (based on finding out in Jan). But these past two weeks have given me a chance to step back and the new discoveries have absolutely confirmed that 1) I don't think he focused on himself in therapy. I think he talked about our relationship and therefore never actual dealt with his problems and 2) that he DOES have a problem because he promised to stop and get help and he is ashamed and still continues the behavior.

I think I also feel embarrassed. I'm not sure why. It kind of like we are the couple you would never suspect. We live in an affluent community, we both do well finiancially, we have a beautiful home, he was the homecoming king, I was the editor and chief, we were high school sweethearts, we are involved in the community, we are "likable" and "social", we "had it all." I just can't believe I married someone that would treat me like this. I have known him for 15 YEARS and if you had told me 3 years ago that this would be happening I would be laughing at you. I always trusted without even a thought. I never questioned. I thought that our love was unconditional.
And you are right, I don't or wouldn't want to hate him. It is very hard to watch this and know he is destroying his life, his health.

[BrownEyes]

I also talked to my lawyer yesterday and he said I have enough evidence to file for adultery. Here is my current plan:

1) Attempt to get husband help for problem. I know everyone has had different opinions but at least I can try.
2) Continue to wait it out, even if husband still doesn't want to work on himself or try to save marriage if we are seperated he will continue to pay his portion of mortgage and utilties so I can live in this house. If I file for D right away, I won't have as much time in home.
3) If a year comes and husband files, I will counter file with adultery and then hopefully be able to get some sort of alimony.

My reason for wanting alimony is not because I don't and can't work but I feel like - I have done EVERYTHING to save my marriage, my husband walked out on our life and I have evidence to show that throughout our entire marriage he was unfaithful. I shouldn't have to lose everything in the process. I just want enough money so that I can keep my house. My lawyer said it is possible it could happen.

When I start thinking about all of the above I have mixed emotions. If it comes down to divorce do I really want it to come to that? I certainly don't want to fight back and forth but at the same time I'm losing everythign and want to try to keep what I feel like I deserve.

[BrownEyes]

And one more thing...what about my email about the bank accounts:

"Hi husband,
I would like to set up a time to meet you at the bank so that you can be taken off of the "joint billing account"; we both need to be present to do so. Please let me know when you are available."

[CityGirl]

The e-mail is fine but I would give him the days you are available and let him choose.

H: I have decided to remove you from the joint billing account. In order to do this you must be present at the bank with me. I am available Monday, Wednesday or Friday. Which day works best for you?

If you ask him when he is available he might say never, lol!

I understand you are reeling right now. I so get it. It doesn't really matter what we think about how you choose to handle your H's addiction. You have to do what you think is best. As long as you are doing it with a clear mind and not reacting on emotion then do what you need to do.

Don't worry so much about the ins and outs of a legal divorce. Let your attny be your guide... work with him/her but also let him/her work FOR you.

[BeingMe]

Hate is bad, but a little bit of righteous anger will get you through this traumatic time. It did in my case. My opinion of course. Just don't let anger fester too long. You have nothing to feel guilty about, by the way, or ashamed. Just because you live in an affluent area, does not mean these things don't happen to your neighbors. I bet more because there is extra cash to spend on these kinds of things.

I agree that you shouldn't worry about him re the wedding. He's a big boy, and can take care of himself ---- he has been doing so anyway for the past 3 years, or maybe more. Continue doing whatever you have planned, but separate from your H.

I agree with CC's email. Best to keep things short and simple and businesslike. As if you are ending a contract, which I guess a marriage is in a way. His walking away is his choice ---- you are just trying to make the best of it, while still caring about trying to help him in his addiction (although, I bet he won't appreciate that, but that's what addicts are like).

Take care of yourself.

[BrownEyes]

I don't care if he likes it or not. I couldn't live with that information anymore. If he got murdered or shot or something and I knew about his destrutive behavior I feel like that is enabling him. How is his family supposed to not enable him if they don't know he has this problem? They are totally on my side - they obviosly love their son and are very concerned but I think they are glad I came to them. They had 3 other children, all of whom died tragically in separate ways and this is their "last kid" so I felt like they had a right to know. He probably won't like it I can't hold onto it anymore - I had to give it to someone else. I want him to get help - I really do.

[BrownEyes]

Hi Everyone - I changed my name from anned82 to BrownEyes - sorry if that is confusing. Anyway, I received a response from my husband regarding the account.

My email:
"WH,
I have decided to remove you from the joint billing account. In order to do this you must be present at the bank with me. I am available Saturday before noon, Monday or Tuesdsay at 4pm. Which day works best for you?"

His email: "As long as my paychecks are being transfered to that account I will not relinquish access to it. You can take control of it but I at least want to be able to see what's going on."

So fine, I don't think I should push the issue any further at this point because 1) his parents/me are making a decision later this week about how we are going to handle or approach his addiction 2) I'm worried he will stop putting his paycheck in that account and that would be really bad because I can't afford to live in this house without more contribution.

Should I even respond to the email? It just fing irrates me because he used that account to withdrawal $125 to get a hooker and gamble. Right, like I'm the irresponsible one.

AHHHHHH!

[BrownEyes]

Possible response:

"I will take over the house bill/utilities. $75 less of your paycheck will be deposited into the "joint billing account" so you can pay the credit cards from your personal account; therefore still having $325 per week if you continue to deposit $225"

Basically what I'm saying it that right now credit cards (in his name) are paid out of our "joint billing account" - I don't want to deal with those. I'm basically telling him that he can take care of the credit cards in his name and I wont be doing that from the "joint billing account".

Does that email sound okay?

[BrownEyes]

Today has been a hard day. It is what would have been our 10 year anniversary since our first date. I didn't do much yesterday and had trouble getting out of bed...today I was able to run a few errands and have plans this evening with family.

Does this ever get easier? Is there any hope?

I still keep holding on to this hope that he will wake up and realize what he is losing but then reading most of the stories on here I don't think that happens. I just can't handle this right now. I just wish he would SLOW DOWN and stop trying to talk about lawyers and mediators and just take some time for self reflection. He can't divorce me until we are seperated for a year anyway. I don't understand why he keeps bring that stuff up.

[TimeHeals]

It is what would have been our 10 year anniversary since our first date.

Boy, this is almost definitely a "girl" thing:) Just kidding.

I had actually set up reminders through FTD for things like this because... we guys have a bad reputation for remembering all of these anniversieries aside from the marriage one.