My W has a private practice, she's self employed. She had no NEED to ever go to OM's country. Her field has a specialized training center there she got involved with over the last two years, but in an e-mail she sent me a couple months ago, she said she was stopping her work there "indefinitely". She mixed her work and her A with OM. About a year ago, when she originally asked me about taking our kids there, I said "I support your work, but unfortunately you've intertwined it with something I can't support." She got ENRAGED and spewed all sorts of venom at me, threatened me legally and financially, etc, etc. I stood my ground. All the crap like that that occurred over the past year and a half, I'm not quite sure how to fit that into this possible reconciliation. I'm just pushing it aside for now.
However, I don't think her work is the biggest reason she may resist giving up OM's country. She spent time there in her youth, and got close to other people too, not just OM. I'd be asking her to give up those people, forever. Is that reasonable? There is no way she can ever go to that country again alone, and I have no interest in going with her. It's completely tainted now, and is toxic to our M. I'm not looking forward to having this discussion with her, and I'm sure she's not either. Should I at least give her that MAYBE she can resume her R with those people (not OM of course!) once I am 100% satisfied in her committment to our M, and has completely earned back my trust, but warn her that may be many years.
As far as the money is concerned, I don't think OM loaned her any money, but he did give her thousands of dollars so she could travel to see him. I hate to say what that made me think of her. That's why I would want all that paid back. I wouldn't want to tell her that though!
Regarding the "Plan B" stuff, perhaps I just need to have a frank discussion about the things she said to me over the past couple years, like "I don't love you like I should", "you're not capable of loving me the way I need to be loved", "I can't imagine us growing old together", etc, and ask her what's changed. Of course I know what's changed is that she was obsessed with OM, so how could she possibly love me the way she should, or accept my love, or imagine us growing old together. I want to hear how she explains it.
Regarding the STD test, she probably won't balk too much at that, she's practical that way, but she might insist I get one too. If I say I don't need one, I'm telling her something I'm not sure I want to give up yet. I could always just tell her ok and go get one.
One other thing I should add to my list is that EVERYTHING she got for or from OM has to be thrown out. Every e-mail, card, letter, picture, lingerie, etc. She might balk at that, but how can she defend it? What does she want, to keep a little "memory box" about her A? If she keeps it in secret, like at her office, I should ask her "How will I feel if something happens to you and in my devastated state I have to go clean out your office and find it?"
I guess all this will test just how much she wants this reconciliation. If she agrees to my requirements, is it then time for ME to fully return to the M? By asking all this of her, I feel like that's what I'd be doing, and I'm not sure I want that yet.
