Cause for alarm?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

It's not a big deal...

I honestly am thinking your wife is getting some perverse pleasure out of making you squirm and pursue her like this...

Gee, ya think???

[Puppy Dog Tails]

and she turned to me and said "guess who is giving a free concert here in August?" So I went along with her guessing game and threw out one of my favorite band names and turns out it is them. I expressed my excitement about the concert and said something along the lines of "That is going to be a great concert, we have to go" and W replies "We can go but I don't know if it is going to be together"

Better answer:

(cheerfully) "Well, your loss. I'm gonna go -- I think it's gonna be great."

[OfficerInNeed]

PDT your right, I should had said something along those lines. I was tired and caught of guard.

She did NOT say "I will be moved out by then" or "I wont be here"
she said "I don't know if we'll be going together"

Just read my posts in the past few days, I was fooled and got too relax and assumed we were heading in the right direction again.

[Allen A]

You are in a good place OIN, you have two things going for you many here do not :

1. You both are in the same home - this makes your changes easily viewable by the spouse
2. There's (hopefully) no interloping party picking away at your marriage covertly bullying it into divorce (unless you count your FIL)

[OfficerInNeed]

Yes we are in same household, for now. I am not sure how long this will last.

I seen a TM on W phone from FIL and it read "How are things?" W has not responded to that text message.

I was told that when W got pulled into the managers office after W TM female co-worker whom she had been talking to all along and I question the advice she may be given to my W. I was told W was upset about the situation but yet when she told me she down played it.

Right now W thinks life stinks as she would put it.

According to OMW things are great. OM surprised OMW at work with a dozen roses, delivered them to her himself. The situation is still being monitored but things in their marriage seem to be going well so I will limit contact unless I hear something.

I wanted to know for those who have reconciled, during the time the sitch was bad did your WS express same feeling "ILBNILY" "can never be with you again" "we got married for all the wrong reasons" did they ever 180 since you started to piece back together and say "ILY" or "I am happy with you"...cause as of now I just can't ever see that stage happening.

I also have this lingering concern another OM will come into the picture...

[Allen A]

We have all heard that stuff OIN.. all of us...

And yes, it DOES change back for hte better, but it takes TIME... a LONG TIME

I think Saffie said her husband took a year after the affair ended to actually fully own it like an adult and speak up

a YEAR... And this affair in yoru home just ended days ago... Your wife was still holding on even though OM was trying to exit.. he WAS leading her on by continuing the contact...

The OM in your situation enjoyed the ego boost your wife was lavishing on him... so he didn't want to let go of that.. he may have done so now...

Once that ENDS.. and your WIFE OWNS the end rather than carrying some torch in her imagination for months on end... THEN you can start the clock ticking and in one year your wife may be back to normal... a YEAR

[OfficerInNeed]

I understand it takes time. If W would agree to work on M then a year does not seem so far away but in this instance where she tells me she is going to leave every so often or one day she speak future tense and the next she reverts back to 'it's over' makes it hard to imagine dealing with that for a year assuming she is still in the same home. I don't know how much time I have left before she walks out...

I just need some heavy hitters as a response for

1. She tells me she is leaving
2. Says something that would suggest she might stay with out pressuring her or scaring her off.
3. Throws jabs at me like she did today "We can go but I don't know it will be together"
4. When she thinks negatively about our marriage and says it is a mistake.

===============

Also how about you (Allen) or PDT personally has your WS said to either one of you that they loved you again like they did before or something more? or for the WAS (lotus) have you said ILY or expressed joy reconciling with LBS?

[Allen A]

The affair that hit my home is only 8 months ended... I haven't heard anything like that and I don't pursue that... I look for ACTIONS that are positive and I keep myself afloat with those... the words come LATER

For many WS its easier to DO something loving (like going to an event with you or buying you a bicycle) than to express it verbally outright to their spouse

Your wife is not one day going to suddenly start smiling.. its gonig to be gradual...

I get the sense already that you are hearing her threats to leave LESS OFTEN now than when the OM was racing through her imagination daily... yes?

You need to stop aiming so high here... you want positive actions gradually increasing in number and the negative ones VERY GRADUALLY decreasing in number...

From your posts I am reading them and I think a lot of them are going right over your head unnoticed

Your wife IS talking to you, she IS having dinner with you, she IS going to do errands with you yes?

You CAN last a year doing what you are doing now.. there are MANY here that last LONGER than a year and deal with a LOT WORSE than you have... If you think you can't deal with your pain believe me you don't know what pain is yet... You have only tasted a drop of it...

[OfficerInNeed]

You are right.

What about responses for things outlined above?

Also should I say something to W about not responding to FIL?

like "I seen the text message your father sent you and noticed you did not respond back to him I know he worries about you. At the very least let him know you are OK." and maybe add "You don't need to be happy to be in a good situation. Things are good for you here in our home and he should know that"

[Allen A]

I think if you approach your wife with that about her father its just an invitation for her to say "I am not happy here and havne't been for years" again... Just ignore it...

The fact that it says "how's it going" instead of "get out of there NOW" is a good sign in my opinion...

It sounds more like she's been on the fence about leaving and sending him daily reports or something ... whcih again I would take as a positive and leave it alone

Responses to her negative commentary?

You could try something new like NOT reacting. Don't act casual, don't dismiss it, just look at her and hold your reaction... just look at her and watch her... she may just turn away eventually and walk out of hte room

I tried that with my wife when she was cheating and i think it was a good approach to take... I dind't SAY anything, but the fact that I just looked right at her NOT showing anger, joy, or anything other than maybe projecting some dissappointment energy that she's acting like a jeuvenile is all I did... she ended up turning away shamefully and leaving the room...

If your iwfe wants to make you upset and get some reaction... Don't react... don't IGNORE the negative comment... look right at her NOT like you are angry or hostile just like you are waiting for her to say

"Sorry I meant to say..."

Just wait calmly for her to correct the outburst... she may actually correct it or she may just walk away... she may say something like

"what are you looking at..."

YOu can just say

"Just trying to understand why you want to waste energy with non-constructive commentary... no matter... I won't engage that stuff... It's not helping anyone to be negative"

And I would leave hte room FIRST