I need help in the biggest way. I feel so helpless

[FindingMyVoice]

((((Time))))) I am so sorry to hear of this... my heart goes out to you.

[idontunderstand]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time. There really is no easy way to do this, is there? We feel strong and confident one minute and weak and defeated the next. I guess we have to build our strength like we would by lifting weights, over and over. Eventually, we will be strong enough to do what we must do no matter how impossible it seems.

(((Time)))

Thanks for posting to me even though you're in a bad place yourself. It means a lot!

[timehealsall]

When you are ready to share we will be here. It helps to talk it out before you make any big moves. I am home working all day today so I will check back soon.

Do you have a source of income if your H removes his money?

Yes, I work and actually (LUCKILY) opened up an account with the bank that my company uses in order to expedite direct deposit and/or cashing of my paycheck being that they are an OOS company. ugh..

We have been going back for forth. He is stuck on what I DID TO HIM. How I hurt HIM. How I REJECTED him. That I wouldn't have sex with him... pushed his face away.. that I hurt him. Then he goes on to say that he would have NEVER done what he did (have an A) had things been better between us and had we especially never moved out of NY. He feels that moving was the thing that made him detach from me the most because he had no outlet down there.. No family, no friends, hobbies, etc.

So he has been nickle and diming me for everything. To give him 1/2 of gas, purchases, etc. it's amusing actually.

He has pretty much said that he is done and needs for us to move on (separately). that he cannot get over what I did to him. Swore on our children and everyone near and dear to him that he is not with OW, has had no contact and she is not carrying his child. That she is with a new man and that it is "impossible" that it's his. Kept asking me to stop bringing her up that me and him don't compare to any time he spent with her. that he gave me everything and went into the marriage 10000000% and that I let him down and left him...

he is paranoid thinking that I'm going to leave him "holding the bag" in regards to our finances. He thinks that I'm squandering money away in another account and that I plan on leaving him with our debt.

it's just all paranoia and crazy talk from him.

He will do all this kind of talking, yet tell a friend of ours NOTHING of him having moved out 3 weeks ago and said that things were "good" between he and I. Who is this person?

I then checked intel and his landlord sent him an email saying that (OW's name) had tried to get into apt but that the locks had been changed....so Landlord asked H if he had changed the locks (again; he just changed them in April after the robbery).. I can't see what H wrote back but it was to the effect that he DID change the locks and goes on to tell the Landlord that he is getting a D. Now, i know that the employee that is working there has her sister come in and clean. so i don't know if that is who the OW's name person is OR the actual OW. I'm just so confused and disgusted. I have checked cell phone records and everything imaginable and it adds up to what he is saying EXCEPT for this whole (OW's name) having keys and trying to get in.

My head feels like it's going to explode..

All I wanted is to keep my family together. Show my H that I'm the right choice and I feel like this is just a frikkin nightmare and I can't help but feel so angry for my kids. They deserve better than this sh!t.

I even asked H if the OW was holding anything over his head, bribing him or if he was helping her out someway. He looked at me like I was crazy and said why would he and that she has a soon to be husband who is taking care of her and that that is over and done with and to stop rehashing.

He then goes on to say that he wants to make himself happy and that being with me he was unhappy (in not those exact words but that was the gist of it).

He is stressed beyond belief. He loves the kids and has been great with them but he keeps saying how he needs to get work done and get a job and he can't when he is watching the kids.

I DON'T want a divorce. I just feel like he has me up against a wall and has given me no choice here. How can I go on playing house with him (we go to family functions and events together and as if nothing) and yet he doesn't want to be with me.

Kindly give me 2x4's or anything possible. I can take it and need to be put into check. Am I just being impatient and paranoid?

I feel like I want to be patient and focus on me but then I get paranoid in thinking that he hasn't file not because he is confused but due to lack of money and because he is waiting until he has money and then he'll file.. I am just going crazy here.

He has said to me on numerous occasions to relax and let's focus on getting ourselves out of this rut but I am just crazed right now.

[CityGirl]

I know you now this but no matter what happened in your marriage there is no excuse or "good reason" or justification for an affair. Of course your H needs to blame somebody for his crass and disgusting actions to avoid looking deep within himself.

It sounds like it is time to set some hard boundaries. If he wants to split the finances then I would say at this point go right ahead. This is for your self protection. Do not allow him to nickel and dime you for daily purchases or household needs. Simply create a financial plan and that is that. If he doesn't like it then move up the "chain of command" and find yourself an attny.

Everything your H accused you of (ex: squandering money) are things you should be concerned that he is doing. Your H certainly is not unique in his deflection tactics.

The more you question him about OW the more he will lie. Stay silent and then he might (or might not) begin to squirm. While it nearly killed me I have to say that was the BEST thing I did. I confronted H (had hard evidence) then never mentioned it again. Of course he lied but he did live with a very large dose of paranoia and me going dark was far more effective. Granted, I had legal reasons for doing things how I did but still, the emotional stress was present.

I would go as far as to suggest you tell your H you will not be in a three person marriage and you have decided it is time for you and the children to move forward. Go talk to an attny and see what your best options are. Go dark and silent on him unless it is about the children.

On the emotional side I know how painful this is. While there are logistics that need to be dealt with the heartbreak is not lost on me. What else can we do to help you?

[timehealsall]

Thank you..

He is going through a personal he!! right now.

not making money, office overseas is slowly dwindling.. people he was doing business with him have jerked him and are now sending him HATE emails that he's forwarded to me. between that and the jerk who sent me an email about the OW, he must be feeling horrible. Plus, some of these guys have reached out to my MIL (who was overseas with H for 6 weeks), so he is reeling from this. He is being swallowed whole

I will not allow him to put the blame for his actions on me. I understand the role I played. I understand and can woman up to what I contributed, BUT regardless, i was not the one who strayed. HE DID.

Plus, he is getting heat from everyone about our situation. They think he is flat out wrong and that he has lost his mind.

I just want to snap out of it. I wish I'd bump into someone who could take my mind off of him.. not in a sexually way but because I just feel like I need a distraction.. I know I have 3 kids but they remind me of their father. it's sometimes torture because of it. I have problems facing them sometimes.. even though I just do anyway.

[FindingMyVoice]

I will not allow him to put the blame for his actions on me. I understand the role I played. I understand and can woman up to what I contributed, BUT regardless, i was not the one who strayed. HE DID.

This is excellent, Time.

I just want to snap out of it.

I know you do, it must be awful. Do you have any distractions to keep you busy this weekend? Friends to go out with or even come over to watch a movie with you and the kids. Sounds like you could use the shoulder of a good friend to help you keep your resolve, stay strong and let those feelings out with.

Thinking and praying for you my dear friend. PG.

Oh and PS! I so agree with CityGirls advice of going dark on him except for dealings about the kids.

[timehealsall]

I will not allow him to put the blame for his actions on me. I understand the role I played. I understand and can woman up to what I contributed, BUT regardless, i was not the one who strayed. HE DID.

This is excellent, Time.

I just want to snap out of it.

I know you do, it must be awful. Do you have any distractions to keep you busy this weekend? Friends to go out with or even come over to watch a movie with you and the kids. Sounds like you could use the shoulder of a good friend to help you keep your resolve, stay strong and let those feelings out with.

Thinking and praying for you my dear friend. PG.

Oh and PS! I so agree with CityGirls advice of going dark on him except for dealings about the kids.

I intend on doing just that (going dark) Friends of mine are going out tomorrow night, so I am thinking of going. Screw him..

I am not going to call him or contact him. I think we both need time apart.

Thanks sweetie.. You the same.

[TimeHeals]

not making money, office overseas is slowly dwindling.. people he was doing business with him have jerked him and are now sending him HATE emails that he's forwarded to me. between that and the jerk who sent me an email about the OW, he must be feeling horrible. Plus, some of these guys have reached out to my MIL (who was overseas with H for 6 weeks), so he is reeling from this. He is being swallowed whole

And HE is the one wanting to split finances? Something is screwey here.

Sorry you are going through this.

[timehealsall]

not making money, office overseas is slowly dwindling.. people he was doing business with him have jerked him and are now sending him HATE emails that he's forwarded to me. between that and the jerk who sent me an email about the OW, he must be feeling horrible. Plus, some of these guys have reached out to my MIL (who was overseas with H for 6 weeks), so he is reeling from this. He is being swallowed whole

And HE is the one wanting to split finances? Something is screwey here.

Sorry you are going through this.

Well, part of that is because he has this paranoia with the fact that I had opened an account at another bank to expedite my direct deposit. Thank god I was stalling on changing it over to the bank where we have a joint account...

He would ask me when I would depo the money into our joint and was expecting me to pay his CC's and contribute but after how shady and much of a jerk he is being, I have kept this last paycheck in the account I opened. Forget him.

MIND you, I have offerred to just add him onto that account as a joint accountholder, but he refused and said what was the point, I even offered to give him my log in and password so he can see that I wasn't fishing money out but he refused.

[timehealsall]

Just checked cell phone records and at about 4 pm, he called the attorney.. not sure if it was relating to US or about the landlord/tenant issue that the attorney is handling for my FIL, who also just happened to FINALLY have moved out and there was a door that was left locked in the apartment.

I'm hoping it's the latter.. but I can't help but be in somewhat of a panic