My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[nicole8]

I have never said anything cruel or mean to my husband (I have agreed with him that he is not good at math though)... Anyway, I have done nothing but say positive great things about him. But that is not how he feels about himself at all. I fear now too that since he has spent so mich time with ow that he is telling himself again that he is a horrible person for leaving his w and being with ow. He has to want to do the right thing though and he hasn't tried to do that so far. He just stays at his moms and acts depressed, goes to work and checks in with me via text to make sure I will still talk to him.... Sad but true. My life has turned into a highschool drama!

[TimeHeals]

He just stays at his moms and acts depressed, goes to work and checks in with me via text to make sure I will still talk to him.... Sad but true. My life has turned into a highschool drama!

Well, if that's how he wants to live his life, there's not much you can do about it.

Time to focus on having a good life yourself. And you don't have to respond to all of his text messages (or any of them) if you don't want to respond to them.

[rr22]

The al-anon meeting idea wasn't for him. It was for you. It is for families of people who are going crazy in some way to teach themselves how to detach from the drama that their family member
(or ex family member) is trying to drag them into.

[rr22]

how to untangle yourself from the toxicness lessons. supposedly. i h

[rr22]

how to untangle yourself from the toxicness lessons. supposedly. i haven't been

[nicole8]

Well it has been almost a month since I last posted. My h finally picked up the papers on may 22nd after I signed thrm and after blaming me for holding everything up.... He twists and turns things so strangely. So on June 21st he asks me to come see him because he is "having trouble"... Turns out he had filed that day and doesn't know why he did. Really he said that. Then he told me that it has been nine months and he doesn't feel any different and I haven't been begging him to come home. I asked him if I told him to come home would he? He said probably....

Since that day he has changed and become mean and angry towards me. I am the enemy... He wants pretty much nothing to do with me he texted me early this morning... When I didn't respond he texted again. Apparently if he wants to talk it is important but not if I want to. He said he was going to come over and work in the yard. I was leaving the house. When I came home this evening he hadn't been here. He is such a loser lately... All he cares about is himself and I am most positive that he is still pursuing the ow. They are friends on facebook. I don't know what that means about the status of their R... Just so highschool. He is just a bundle of negativity and thinks nothing will ever get better. He doesn't want to talk with me because he will "break down" and that will upset him.

I really don't know what to do or even really how to communicate with him. Still seems impossible to communicate with him while ow is around....He is not in reality at all. I have a new therapist who really understands depression and how he feels and what is going on with him. I just try to remember that his feelings are real even if they don't seem real to me

[nicole8]

I'm still stuck in the exact same place with my h. I no longer am contacting him AT ALL! surprisingly it feels really good to just not be in his drama of how horrible he thinks his life is. He did forward me two emails on Friday. One was about a bill for real estate and he wants to know if he should pay it or "let it go"... I chose not to respond. His other email simply said "for my teeth"... And just an attachment for work he wants to get done for $4000. I'm not sure why he thinks I would want to be involved in his financial decisions if we are D... Really? I also chose to not respond. He then texted on sat morning. When I did not reapond within 10 seconds he texted again. He is soooo impatient when he wants something. So he wanted to know if I was home. I told him I wasn't and he said he wanted to come by for something he needed later. I said that was fine. He never stopped by. I was gone all day but can always tell if he was here and the thing he wanted was still here.

My therapist does agree he is depressed from what I have told him... The way he is acting like a child trying to "shake me up" for a reaction. My therapist said that is his way of "hooking" me and probably doesn't even know he is doing it. He said it isn't weird or strange for someone who is depressed to try to change everything in their life and think everything will magically get better.

I say good luck with the magic and I am having a harder and harder time wanting this m to survive.

So random or not random. This is the world I live in and I am so sick of it. I guess I just don't have much hope any longer except that h isn't doing anything to move ahead our d...hmmm.

I do think he is still infactuated with ow. She wrote on his facebook wall the other day "O....M....G.. You were born in 1976. Damn your old" I laughed so hard. I know that crushed his little heart. He is very sensitive about looking older, he has been getting gray hair for a bit now and it is very upsetting to him.

On a brighter note I went skydiving the other day and it was sooo much fun. I wanted to tell my h about it. I didn't though because in his high school world text messaging is the preceded form of communication and. Texting will not do the experience justice to explain everything. Ohh, when will my rebellious teen/husband grow up and get help?

[awest1217]

I was reading there again and wondering how things are going now? It has been a month and a few weeks since H filed. Has anything come of it?

Hope things are going well.

[nicole8]

Awest....oh yes, something has come of it. The H actually filed on June 15th. After that point he still was a range of emotions everytime I had any contact with him. Fast forward to July 24th and guess what? He just shows up at the house and thats it. He's home again. I was apprehensive but he told me that he wanted to do things together and that he wanted to make things right and we had things pretty good together. He told me that the OW was a homewrecker and that she contacted the police about him contacting her. Weird I know. He told the police that he was at home reconciling his marriage. But she also called their work and told them that he was harrassing her. Well their employer fired both of them. That was actually a relief to me for him to not be working with her any longer and with the other co-workers who support divorce. He has another job and was able to pick up more shifts to compensate for the loss. So Great right? He told me that he also sent her parents an email about being a homewrecker and ruining his marriage.

Things were going pretty well. We celebrated our 8th anniversary. He told me a couple of times that he just doesn't feel right and cant explain it and he was constantly tired. A few times he also told me that he felt like he couldn't breath and was shaky (signs of anxiety I believe). Then he tells me that he's excited about this boat project he wants to start so it can maybe lift his mood. He also tells me that he heard a commercial for ADHD and he could answer "yes" to every single symptom/characteristic they listed. This seemed to really upset him. He mentioned it again a couple of times and actually told me at one point he was going to see a doctor to talk. WOW. I was so excited and thought it was a major step forward. I was very excited.

Then on August 21st he just doesn't come home from work. I finally get in contact with him at midnight and he is at his moms house again. I get the same story as all the other times. "I'm having issues" and "I need to clear my head"....blah, blah, blah. The next day I decided to check our phone records. We just combined our cell bills again 4 days before. Guess who he is talking/texting with? The OW. I was shocked. I thought for sure she was gone for good considering she called the police and all.

I decided I had enough and sent her a nice text message letting her know that her communication with him was innapropriate and we had reconciled our marriage. She was shocked to hear this. He told her that he was still living with his Mom and had never been home. Apparently they ran into each other at work again. He works in the ER and she works for an ambulance co. So I guess it was bound to happen. She claims he appologized and wanted to know if she would help him with information on a church. Mind you he doesn't believe in church and god. She said she was apprehensive at first but after the initial anger of him trying to destroy her and ruin her relationship with her friends and family she said she still felt sorry for him. We texted quite a bit back and forth and she confirmed every single thought or feeeling I had about their relationship. She had no idea that he had been in and out of our house so many times. She wishes we had talked sooner and that he had lied to her multiple times about filing for divorce and had at one point told her he would be divorced in May. She said she wouldn't blame me for hating her and that she doesn't want to be that girl that breaks up a marriage. She doesn't understand why he has lied so mcuh and wishes she had gone to school back East so that she could be away from him. She said he plays the sympathy card alot. She thinks he is messed up and told him that he needed to figure his life out without her in it and he should go home and talk to me.

Well the H has not been home and as far as I know they were still in contact as of Monday. Although they are in contact it is not anywhere near the amount or volume as in the past. Don't know what that means if anything. I changed my phone back into my name so I have no clue what contact they have now. My H has been nothing but rude and mean to me since he didn't come home this last time. We never pulled the paperwork on our divorce and the 90 day waiting period is up on Sept. 13th. He is convinced we need to be divorced and denies ever talking to her again (even though he knows I could see the phone records). He is telling me the same things as he has before that his life is horrible, he is holding me back, will never make more money and he will never be happy. He accusses me of things and twists and turns facts. He doesn't live in the same reality as I do. Apparently I am to blame for it taking so long for the house not being on the market and pretty much everything else is my fault too. He doesn't understand why I haven't told my parents yet and seems to forget he was home for a month....everything is a blur to him and not the reality I live in.

Then this last friday he texted me about 8 messages in 20 minutes asking if I was alive, are we ever going to talk again, oh I get it, you hate me. I didn't respond so he called 10 times in a row until I answered. He sounded really down and it turns out that he was fired again.... He works in a hospital in two departments and he was fired from the ER dept. He missed a day (I presume he was chasing/texting the OW and couldn't be bothered with work). He claims his life is in a downward spiral and thinks he'll probably loose his job in the other department. I'm not sure why he is telling me this when days ago he told me he wants me to not be a part of his life. Earlier that day I filed a revocation of joinder. Meaning I don't agree with the papers signed earlier. The revocation of joinder states that he had me sign under durress and I didn't know fully what I was signing and could have given him all the power to divide debt/assets. He didn't give me copies of the papers. He also signed with the wrong date and we have not been separated for 90 days and I asked for counseling because I don't believe our marrige is broken. Lets just say the H was FURIOUS when he got this in the mail. He called and was so pissed and throwing accusations around that I'm trying to date while married and he has done nothing wrong and he didn't force me to sign. Actually he did threaten that if I didn't sign he would file and have me served at work. That sounds really embarassing and I don't really enjoy bringing home problems to work, so I signed. I told him 5 times why I filed the form and he wouldn't listen or hear what I was saying. The only thing he cared was he doesn't want the 90 days to start over and he just wants out...NOW. I wonder if he's panicked that the OW might not talk with him if he is still married? Since that day he has become less hostile. Just a little. He is still annoyed if I don't answer or respond to him in a matter of seconds and thinks that I am trying to ruin him and that I hired a lawyer. He said that if we have to start over the 90 days that he will take me to court and fight me until we are both out of money.

So our house is on the market and maybe we'll be divorced sooner or later? He asked me today if I would recall the paper I filed last week. He's worried the 90 days will start over or we will even have to refile all together and spend more money filing again. I asked him if his lawyer told him that this would happen and I didn't get a straight answer out of him. He is also not sure we can be divorced and own the house together. That's weird he told me before that we could. So now he doesn't know. WTF? He also wants me to fill out two court documents about our finances and I can stick him with all the debt if I want. He said he doesn't think its fair though considering he doesn't really have a job to be stuck with debt. Really? How is that my problem?

Long story I know. The drama just keeps coming. I still am talking with the therapist I found who has a really great way of explaining depression. He said that someone who is depressed believes two things. That their life is horrible and it will never get any better. Affairs and addictions are not uncommon for someone who is depressed. Not an excuse for his behavior. The therapist said he still isn't sure my H really wants a D. He thinks that my H sees me as a "mom" and he is almost like a rebelling child. He explained it like this.... children throw tantrums and do whatever they can to get your attention when something isn't right or is off. They might not know what is wrong they just know something is wrong and that Mom should fix it. I found this very very intersting.

Even if we are divorced I'm not sure I will fully be rid of him. Who knows how long we'll own the house. He's told me on more than one occassion I can have the house he'll sign it over. I've told him at least 10 times in the past that I can't keep it. Why would I spend money to refinance a house I can't afford unless I get a second job. He just doesn't get it.

So I am moving forward as best I can and feel like such an idiot for taking him back AGAIN. I've emailed with my H's aunt who says that in no way am I to blame for his behavior and wanting out. She is glad I am seeing a therapist as long as they don't place any blame on me. She told me that next time if there is a next time I need to tell him that I need proof he is seeing a doctor for treatment. I'm not sure I even want him to come back....actually who am I kidding I miss him like crazy (so does the dog).

I just want a simple life with as little drama as possible.

[nicole8]

So my h texted me at 1:15 AM.... I was sleeping so I did not respond. His text question was "You think you might remove your paperwork?". Is he really asking me this again....at 1:15 in the morning? He is asking in reference to the response to petition I filed removing my agreement to the joinder I filed. He wants me to agree to the divorce.

I have not responded to him. Not sure I will either!