Detatchment, becomes easier, when we identify our buttons and begin to learn how to keep them from being pushed.
Yes, at first, it is an avoidance tactic. One that allows us to TRY to get our own shiat together. Necessary for all involved because it stops the fighting and drama. We may not always be the cause of it, but we do have to own our roles in continuing it.
Over time, it takes on a life of its own. You realize you are better without the drama. Then you start to realize that some of the things that were buttons, aren’t so bad anymore. Your reactions become different. That is because you are healing. It is sort of one of those things that sneaks up on you to a degree.
Your H, has pushed you largest button. The kids. It is the biggest button for most of us. And the hardest one to learn how to navigate. And it is the button that will make you fall more times than you can count.
You can make this about all of the things that he does or does not do with the kids. But the truth is, your H, is not being the kind of father you thought he would be to your children. That is the bottom line. He is making choices regarding them, that are not the choices that you would make or are making.
That is something that you are going to have to get used to. Deal with. Because it isn’t going to change. For a long time.
Your kids don’t need you focusing on what your H is or is not doing, they need you focusing on what you are doing with and for them. To help them through all of this.
Shel, they are forming their personalities right now. Their opinions and thoughts and core beliefs are being created as we speak. They don’t have time for you to feel sorry for yourself or them right now. They need you to be their rock, their example, their beacon of the type of human being they want to be come.
So, anger needs to be dealt with and thrown away, and clearer heads really need to prevail in this particular situation. Your H, whether you like it or not, is their father. It is not up to you what type of father he is. But you MUST not let the type of father he is being right now, affect the type of mother you are.
Ok off to work, sorry to be so blunt but it is all I have time for.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
