embracing change

[flowmom]

Newmama, right now it seems like it's gone pretty fast. When the separation happened, I told myself that I would not act until the six month mark, then I would evaluate the situation and decide how to proceed. I feel a tiny bit of pressure from that self-imposed deadline, but I realize that I don't have to be bound by that. I am satisfied by my progress and frankly all the legalities are a distraction from earning money, emotionally coming to terms, and making the most of our short summer. So I'm in no rush to move that forward. And from a place of a little more detachment I still think about H, wonder what's going on in his head, etc, but I don't find it intrusive any more. I can let go of those thoughts and bring my focus back to me and my life. I am starting to get thoughts of "maybe I should *do* something to reach out to H" again, but I think I'll let those thoughts go too.

Gardener, my PMA hasn't been that great in the past couple of days. My sister is going through some tough stuff in her M and it's starting to really upset me. Her H mentioned D in anger during a trivial argument last weekend...so obviously she has a sitch on her hands . Their little boy is 2 years old. She feels that he is borderline verbally/emotionally abusive towards her and said he hated her in anger twice in the last couple of months. This stuff is not in character for him, but something is triggering him and he's taking it out on her.

It's really hard for me to be detached about members of my family of origin. Their pain and crises create an extreme desire to rescue on my part...obviously not a healthy response on my part.

I am also having feelings of loneliness at times. I have friends and I have my children, but some days I just want someone to sit quietly with, or someone to hold me.

Yesterday I also had an upsetting incident of having to force S6 up a flight of stair into our apartment when he was misbehaving and I realized that I can barely physically control him anymore when he is flailing and fighting to get away and I am trying to keep us both safe. I feel really freaked out about raising him without a man in the house . I mentioned my concerns about not being able to physically control S to H, and he basically blamed me for it because S hadn't gotten enough exercise (due to circumstances mostly beyond my control). I should have expected that he wouldn't be able to validate me, but it still hurt because he understands more than anyone what I am dealing with.

I did spend the day in the field today and it felt great so that was helpful. Earning money helps too.