still separated, headed for D?

[newmama]

I am calm now. Totally was hysterical this a.m. But I took a shower, S took a nap and I was able to talk to a friend (THANKS RAVENLY!!!!!) and get my head back on semi-straight.

Piano- I am relieved to hear about the 50/50 outcome. Gatsby,I totally agree with what you said and do plan on treating S like you advise. BUt I just don't know people who grew up in a 50/50 custody arrangement. It was always mom had custody, saw dad every other weekend.

Got a text from WH to check on S. Last night, S had a really bad coughing fit and since I did promise WH that I would let him know if something happened, I felt guilty if I didn't tell him. So I texted him. I also asked "do you do anything besides give him water?" to kind of get some points for wanting his opinion, if you know what I mean...affirmation in a way. So then he told me and I just said "ok thanks! you are right..he does cough more after rough housing."

OK gotta run for now- I want to say more about the whole text thing later.

WN I totally really appreciated that inspiring post about not giving up and what a great poem! I checked out that website and saw something that spoke to me about ambivalent spouses living in the moment and not thinking clearly and we, the BSs need to do the clear thinking. Sounds like WH!

[gatsby11]

Oh, yeah 50/50. My friend's dad just totally LEFT. Missed birthdays, said he would come to stuff and didn't, just an all-around a**hole. Which is much worse than two committed parents in 50/50!

Aha, going the affirmation route huh? Pretty good!

[newmama]

OK fyi S was coughing because he has a lingering cold (not just like an everyday thing) and he has medicine if he has issues with wheezing so that is why I told WH. (it's like I feel bad for contacting WH EVER because it is violating my "dark" boundary. I want to be consistent! But I will need to still communicate about S.)

Now here is what I was thinking about the texts from WH to check on S. I am not sure how hard I need to be about them. I see that he was asking since S has been sick. Is there an advantage to me replying with a little more than just "Yes he is fine" Or "Thanks! see you then" since it has been 5 weeks of me employing this 180 of before? Like should I change strategies a little?

[Piano]

I reckon that given that S has been sick, you are no betraying your darkness by giving a little more info. But only do it if there is something genuine to communicate?

[newmama]

So keep on being dark for longer? bc today I added "are you still golfing even though it's raining?" but I did it to just see if he would say much in reply...and at the same time it can come across as me asking because Thurs nights he normally takes S. So it could be a schedule question!

he just said yes and he would be picking up S tomorrow at 3 if that was ok with me.

lol! I better go back into the darkness....

[Piano]

Yes! lol! Back to Darkness for you!! (((hugs))

[gatsby11]

I was going to say darkness, too, so there we go!

[courageous wife]

Hi NM...


"Hello darkness my old friend"

Glad you got yourself back on track! Hope your S gets rid of that cough soon!

[newmama]

"Hello darkness my old friend" That reminds me of another of my favorite S&G songs:

"I am a Rock, I am an Island!" Especially when I feel low and disappointed in people!

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

[newmama]

So tonight, my dinner out was cut short thanks to S.

I know, he is just a baby and can't help it! But last night he didn't get tired until 8ish so I thought that would apply tonight as well! (He gets sleepy between 7:30-8 most nights) I met my friend J and her son around 6:45 and 10 minutes later S starts really fussing it up--because he was tired (I have learned to recognize his behavior now and can definitely tell!). J told me she understood if we had to leave early so I got my food to go.

I waited all day to eat- well I ate snacks- so I was starving! I got tortilla soup and chicken fajitas...YUMMMM! Of course as I was holding S and waiting for the food and trying to pay, one of the waiters explained that he and his wife take turns holding their son when they go out to eat and he gets fussy. I didn't say anything! Just was thinking "well that must be nice!"