For some reason, this has been a hard day. Have to expect them.
It's funny, I've had the both the impulses today to call XW with tender and with angry intentions.
God. And you know, the thing about having snooped, is I know the things she said. Things that I have to remind myself about, becuase it just seems like it had to be someone else, that it doesn't fit into my reality.
There was a point, late in the process, where we were trying to get through the mediation and have enough trust work together, that she said to me "I know your heart, just like you know mine"
And I think about that, and think - Yeah, I know your heart, I've seen your email. It's black and hateful.
Yeah, I spent a couple of hours today distracted, anxious, and feeling like I was going to start shaking. It passed, but these are the old symptoms that I thought I had gotten past. I don't know if it's the anniversery, or the fact that the kids or gone this week, or just plain old obsessive thinking.
Anyway, went out last night and played guitar with some friends, and have band practice tonight, but I'm back in the mode where I'm making myself do it vs. looking forward to it. But I will make myself do it. Actually did have fun last night, so that's good (although I could use more sleep).
Anyway. Enough of the self-pity. Time is on my side, fair enough. I have up days too, so maybe one is coming soon. Probably after I get through Saturday.
