Here is what I think I should do. I think I should write him:
Hi husband,
I would like to set up a time to go to our bank in order to take your name off of the "joint billing account." We must both be present for this to happen. Please let me know when you are available.
Current Method: Both of our paychecks are deposited into the "joint checking account". $1550 of my paycheck and $900 of your paycheck have been going into the the "joint billing account". You have been putting $250 per week into the "joint checking account" which is then automatically transferred to the "joint billing account" so that debt can be paid.
New Method: Your paycheck will continue to deposit into what we current call the "joint checking account". My paycheck (in about 2-3 weeks) will deposit into a seperate account. $1550 of my paycheck will continue to go into to the "joint billing account" $800 of your paycheck will go into the "joint billing account" - this is $100 less than was normally going into joint billing. This is to account for paying of the debt. You can continue (or however you chose) to deposit $250 per week into what we currently consider the "joiint checking account" (but will now be your personal account) and you can pay the debt from that account - since $100 less will be going into the joint billing you will still have $325 per week to put toward the debt (or more if you deposit more cash). We will take your name off of the "joint billing account". Once you open your own cell phone account I will deposit less of your paycheck into the "joint billing account" so that you can pay your cell phone from your personal account.
Thanks, anned
Or I guess I could just say:
Hi husband,
I would like to set up a time to go to our bank in order to take your name off of the "joint billing account." We must both be present for this to happen. Please let me know when you are available. We can discuss how the money will be divided during that time.
Also, is this DBing? I feel like I could be pushing further away. I guess I am doing this to protect myself. I need to keep reminding myself of that!
I'm also really confused. Why if he wants a divorce so bad would be write that he "wants to make sure I'm taken care of" and also I don't understand why he would want to even be discreet about his actions because then I could file (can file) right away. It is confusing to me. I almost wish he would just be matter of fact. It gets my hopes up when he is nice!
I also spent most of the day feeling really guilty. I felt guilty because he was trying to be nice in his email and I feel like I was mean and I feel bad. I don't know why I feel bad but I do.
I get this and have been there and it is messed up, isn't it? But being too nice is enabling and almost saying "it's ok that you are doing this." Being too mean like saying "you are an %$#@! I hate you!" would burn bridges. But being business like is still being civil and polite. Just think- if you were the one to leave your H, wouldn't it strike you as strange if he was acting all friendly with you as you screwed his life over? Also, wouldn't you respect him less if he was too much of a pushover?
Just my opinion- but I wanted to say I get the guilt!
Yeah meeting at the bank will be hard. Arrive in separate cars. Get in, get out.
I don't get what you mean about the credit card thing...do you mean should you help pay for it?
Last edited by newmama; 06/03/1011:49 PM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Yes, about the credit cards. Basically, it was a mutual decision that was planned to use several credit cards to remodel and there was a plan to pay them off. Basically in my email yesterday I said he could pay them from his account. I'm not sure if I should be taking more responsibility.
And you are right! I really love the way you put it. I am being very business like and not rude at all. So glad I have you guys to put it into perspective or I would go crazy!
I guess I just miss him - I keep hoping that those little thigns mean something.
Probably right about the first email - I was just trying to explain how I am going to split things up but honestly it is probably just better to do in person?
Revised email:
"Hi husband,
I would like to meet at the bank in order to take your name off the "joint billing account". We both must be present to do so. Please let me know when you are available."
Anyone have a comment on how you should approach husband about accounts? How does my email sound?
Also, some other things that I think might come up in the next week that I need help with. I obviously don't know for sure if any of these things will happen but think they are possible. We are both going to a wedding next Saturday for mutual friends. My plan is just to go to the wedding (try to get there before him) and sit and then if he wants to sit by me he can but then it's not on me to do so. I'm assuming we will be sitting at the same table at the reception because the couple doesnt know we are seperated.
1) He may ask if I want to carpool. What should I say? 2) Before all this happened we booked a hotel room. Should I keep the reservation or cancel? If I cancel, should I tell WH? What if I want to stay in hotel by myself, should I tell WH? 3) How do I act at reception? Do I have conversation with WH? 4) There is a high probability that WH is going to get drunk - what if he asks for a ride home (its about an hour from where we live). 5) What if after he is drunk he asks to stay in my hotel room (if I decide to keep hotel) because he doesnt want to drive home and doesn't have anywhere else to stay?
Also, remember a week ago how I was *pretty* sure husband went to see a prostitute and then gamble based on phone records and GPS.
Well, I have confirmed for sure. I searched the "adult" section on craigslist and found her listing with her picture and phone number (which matched the phone number she called my husband from on his cell).
I have taken screen shots of everything on craigslist and phone numbers and I am keeping them in a file.
At least when I prove to myself that these things are happening I don't feel so crazy. Everyone kept saying "but you don't know for sure that's what he's doing" and it just feels good that I'm really not psycho.
If you have confirmed your H has been with a prostitute then your questions (RE: the wedding) are answered. No, don't drive with him or stay overnight with him. Be pleasant at the reception but IMO nothing more. It is not your problem if he gets drunk and doesn't have a place to stay.
All the questions you asked (RE: the wedding) seem very enabling.
You are right CityGirl. Why is this so hard for me? Can someone please get over here and slap me? I just wish I hated him. I wish so bad I could look at all these things and hate him and then this would be so much easier. Why do I still care?
Why do I feel bad that he writes nice emails? I guess I keep hoping he will change. I started doing telemeeting with COSA (Co-dependants of Sex addicts) http://www.cosa-recovery.org/
That seems to be helping some.
I guess I can't stand that he is throwing me away. I haven't done anything and he still doesn't want me. He is the one that is the horrible person and I'm still not good enough. But then of course I keep going back and feeling guilty like I did something to push him to this or something.
Also, I think a lot of it is that it's almost like he has a double life. So this part of him I never really knew about until recently. He did have an affair last year but up until Jan 2010 I had NOT IDEA - I mean, NOT IDEA that he would ever do these types of things. So I still have all the happy and wonderful memories and the love I thought he had for me and that is hard to let go of.
When you (generally speaking) hate somebody it is no different than you eating lethal poison yet somehow hoping it will kill somebody else. Hate will not help you in this situation but add a tremendous burden to your life and heart.
Very good job on getting help with COSA.
While it is VERY hard his actions do not define who you are or your value or worth. You *are* good enough but his addiction has boggled his mind and he no longer can see what is right or wrong.
