I actually am going throughout the day and not wondering what could make him come back.
Both of these are just good, good, good!
Your WH is getting a real wake-up call now, with your letter, signed D papers, and NC. It will be very interesting to see how he responds. Not that it's why you did it all, of course. You did it for you, and that's the best.
I hope that your birthing class was good! And I've gone to all baby appointments alone. I can't even imagine going with someone, although I suppose I have seen a lot of husbands in the waiting room. But I just noticed that they looked dumpy.
Class went well. Probably the class H wouldve enjoyed the most. All about bonding with baby, segment on dads and babys, and labor coaches and when the baby comes hom. Needless to say, it was hard.
H asked if I would like for him to be there at doctor appointment today, i responded with only if you plan to be there as my husband. if not, then no.
Grow strong during this time BD, and be kind to yourself. Even divorced people reconcile. Remember, the divorce is only a legal signing off of what you are currently living - the separation. Hard as it is, keep doing what you are doing and facing this reality and the idea of letting him go... It's best for now.
I suggest you don't reply to those texts...replying is not No Contact. If you must reply, say things differently 'under the circumstances, it hurts me - and therefore the baby - to have you at classes and appointments'.
I'm weak. I called H today and screamed at him, yelled, cried that he hurt me so deeply. Told him how much I hated him and never want to look at him. He said he didn't pick up the papers yet. Said I told him we are going to start acting like a divorced couple, and I should mail him the papers. So I am going to drive them over to his house and hand deliver them.
I'm 6 weeks away from my due date... And I've never felt so alone and empty and scared. H just kept saying, you'll be happy someday. Someday someone will love you and blah blah blah. So I said I'm not you. I asked if he'd rather date other people and he said eventually yes.
I'm so sad. Its trange bc I don't want to love him, but can't stop. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop what I am doing.
It will stop in due time. After enough rejections you will see things differently. I don't know why he doesn't just man up and take you back. I was told you are a very attractive lady who treats her man well too. I would hate for him to mess that up.
You are not weak. You are human with feelings. You still love your husband, and I understand that because I still love my wife. Don't find fault in caring for someone that you have shared so much with in your life. You are also expecting a child from him.
Be kind to yourself. You are having a rough time right now, and it is okay to feel the way you do.
These feelings you have will not hurt as much as they do now as time passes. You have to heal in your own time.
Don't be hard on yourself for the way you are feeling!
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
BD, if you hand deliver the papers, you will have a confrontation. Is that right? Mail the papers like you said. (Or don't send them at all. You could think about letting him do the D work also - but that's up to you.)
My strong feeling is you need to enter into NC immediately. How do you do it? Self control. Get distracted with other things fast! Delete his number from your phone. Break a few plates. Scream, cry, rant - here, not to him. Write a long letter that you don't send.
I know the state of panic you are in. 6 weeks before giving birth, I also started my rollercoaster ride of panic. The lead-uo makes us feel we need to have things 'resolved'. And 'now'. But panic is no frame of mind to make moves in.
About not being able to stop loving him - I wonder if you just will stop wanting to be with him, this WH who is NOT the man you married. He is someone else right now and might not change. I'm currently reading this thread, which NM posted somewhere - it's way too religious for me, but the content is valuable. Maybe you'll get something out of it. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=96158&page=1
Also go back and re-read about Detachment. It might start to make sense sometime soon. Only recently did I start to believe detaching from/letting go of someone/or a situation that was hurting me was the best thing to do..and to stop trying to fix and control the outcome. It's a relief to let go. It's no less sad, however.
Just read Greek's advice to another DB'er. I'm trying to live by this at the moment, BD...when I feel outraged at him for leaving me pregnant for OW and never wanting to give our M a second chance. I don't yet know how to LET GO with WH still in my life (and our child's life - cos he is only interested in her today) so I am limiting my contact with him where I can. It is too painful and I can't fully detach in that state. Anyway, for what it's worth:
"...you are suggesting that one grown up should be responsible for another grown up's feelings. Stand on your own. Feel what you feel and take responsibility for that alone.
Forgiving someone does not mean you put the offense "behind you". It means you take your hands off their throat for doing it. Whether you forgive him or not, you will have to deal with the hurt, the wound, the scar of what's been done. The forgiveness is as much a gift you give yourself as anyone else."
