My dander got up far too quickly after taking one thing out of context...that the changes in a WAS aren't permenant...I read further and saw that you suggested that they should be.
OK, thank you for that.
You are right.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
i have been thinking about this a LOT. what is the difference and how is the approach diff't? i saw some threads where folks distinguished b/w the two but more recently, it seems like most are saying it doesn't matter.
Glad you got your dander back down, Jack. I didn't realize you were a WAS, that must have colored your sitch now. Glad you learned from your past, mistake or not.
Hope I get some more comments. I just got so many "it doesn't matter what he is, the approach is the same" comments when I was new to MLC that I thought perhaps some clarity would be good and wanted to make sure I was not incorrect in assuming.
MH - I agree in principal with your views; however, not all MLCer will spew venom. Some may appear as a WAS but are really MLC. In my sitch I am dealing with a W who missed "growing up" and now feels the need to find out what she missed. So I guess the nastiness that I have read, the aggressive behaviors, etc associated with most MLCer is not always present. I would also like to point out that EVERY sitch is really different. I totally agree that detachment, etc are key regardless of was oir mlcer.
Just my 2 cents
God Bless Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
You have some good points there. I agree not all MLC'ers are the same. My MLC had angry issues. I don't know if you have read the book "Men In Midlife Crisis" by Jim Conway, my ex fits it to a tee!!! All the way back to where he never felt the love of his Mother & his Dad didn't know how to show him love. I don't know about a WAS vs MLC, I've only dealt with MLC. I didn't know it then but I saw my ex in MLC 2 years before he met ow & if she had not come along & pursued him, I know without a doubt he would still be here. He just happened to get involved with a sociopath.
Hang in there, you are doing great! Sorry I just don't have answers for you, every sitch is different but also there are so many that are similar.
M&H - I've stopped analyzing if my H is WAS or MLC. As you said, especially when there is a OP, it doesn't make much difference. All you can do is to concentrate on you...YOU are your strongest weapon. If you do the work on yourself and become the best you can be that may play a big role in them coming back. And if they don't their loss...
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
MH - I agree in principal with your views; however, not all MLCer will spew venom. Some may appear as a WAS but are really MLC. In my sitch I am dealing with a W who missed "growing up" and now feels the need to find out what she missed. So I guess the nastiness that I have read, the aggressive behaviors, etc associated with most MLCer is not always present. I would also like to point out that EVERY sitch is really different. I totally agree that detachment, etc are key regardless of was oir mlcer.
Just my 2 cents
God Bless Eric
Hey Eric .. this is my sitch too. H has never been nasty - said lots of hurtful things, right out of the MLC handbook - but never in a mean or nasty way. I think he could have been a WAS a few years ago, but when he was still reasonable and rationale he knew that it wasn't what he really wanted, and he worked hard to try and make us work (mind you he didn't find a way to communicate all of this and didn't agree to MC the few times I did suggest it, but I digress...). Then the MLC hit, and I'm thinking there were signs as far back as 3 years, and now leaving "is his only option for finding happiness" and yada yada yada.
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I didn't realize you were a WAS, that must have colored your sitch now. Glad you learned from your past, mistake or not.