Many people say that it doesn’t matter WAS or MLC, they mimic each other and the actions are the same, but I disagree. There are a few small, but significant, differences, and I want to lay out my ideas here and ask you all for input. It may be an important distinction for newbies and I wanted to make sure that my thinking was clear on this. I meant to put this more succinctly, but it came out as a brainstorm. I will work on it to make it more clear as you guys comment.
Please comment and let me know if I’m wrong. First, the signs of MLC that differ from WAS:
1. Time, obvious, will be much longer in MLC 2. Sensitivity to outside influences. As someone who’s H went through a WAS A back in 2003-2005 and now is MLC, I can tell you it’s different. I was able to influence him last time, this time I cannot 3. RUNNING away – most if not all of them leave. In my case, H is emotionally gone, he has his little “bachelor pad” in our living room, but most will get a place, move in with OP, etc. 4. Blaming – they all seem to blame the spouse and project their guilt as blame before they come around to doing the internal work and finding the issues are within themselves. 5. Reconnecting with their past in some way, whether through old flames, old friends, old activities, old geographical locations, etc. 6. Depression – it seems to be always present, but may be short lived – and manifests itself as medicating behaviors – OP, drugs, alcohol, speed (racing), running, etc.
Secondly, the actions: In WAS-world, it’s easier to get along with focusing on H/W a little more. Detachment is still important, but being that it will be a relatively short time, you can do things like let him catch you wearing cute stockings and going out. In MLC, you must move on as if your spouse is gone and buried, because if you spend any time thinking about them, you will go insane. It will be such a long time that you’ll literally lose all your feelings and “move on” if you do things to get their attention.
In both worlds, it’s important to GAL, set goals, take care of yourself, etc. Those changes should be permanent and for you. However, in MLC world, it’s important to consider going dark/dim much earlier because, let’s face it, the MLCer needs SPACE and the more you’re in their face, the more they run AND the more crazy you become. Detachment must happen in a bit of a different way in this MLC world. That’s because in order for you to be able to have any feelings for your MLCer in the future, you need to protect your fragile feelings now. Just like your MLCer does, you need to wrap them up carefully, put them in bubble wrap and save them in a nice, pretty box for the rainy day that they return on. You need to detach, go dim or dark or NC and just GAL right away. They are so busy blaming you that every single thing you do in the beginning will be used as ammunition against them and nothing you do right will be noticed or appreciated at all. A WAS will notice, maybe keep it to themselves, but they will notice. This is because MLCers are not rational human beings. A WAS IS a rational human being – but be careful of this caveat… a WAS that is not in an emotionally bonded A is a rational human being. The second you add the addiction of an emotionally bonded A, the bets are off and you will be under a similar microscope to the one the MLCer uses.
In MLC-ville, you have to be prepared for total crazy, looniness. It’s true. My H told me he didn’t think I was moral b/c when I was a teen, I jumped out of second floor windows to sneak on buses to NYC to get high with friends. I mean, crazy, totally paranoid, made up fantasies. He also told his friends and family he was afraid of me. I’m 5’2” and he’s 6’2” and a third degree black belt. He told them I cut myself, but neglected to mention that it was 23 years ago, for about a week, all my friends were doing it, I was a young teen, and it was 11 years before I met him. He has these weird fantasies and ANGER and spewing.
In WAS, you have rationalization for their feelings that may be from left field, but the anger and spewing and monster behaviors are just not the same. And again, you can rationalize with a WAS, but not a MLCer. When I told my H I never jumped from any windows, he blew his stack. This is a man who NEVER yelled at me, who suddenly yelled until I thought he’d blow a blood vessel in his temple. It was scary, crazy and just an alien totally.
In WAS, we speak of doing a 180 as if it’s a temporary thing to get their attention, in MLC, the 180 must be a true change in lifestyle and personality and not a tactic. I agree, all changes should be permanent, but ie, Michele speaks in her book of the woman who goes in and bangs a table when her H was yelling and that was a 180. That wouldn’t work in MLC.
Now, many behaviors are the same. You should all detach, GAL, take care of yourself, set goals, etc. However, goals even can be more WAS focused but not MLC focused.
