BTW, I confirmed for certain that the WAW has in fact moved in with her EX. Just picked up my kids from my Dad's house ( neutral exchange point ) and on the way home my daughter informed me that they ALL stayed there last night. Him, the WAW , their two mutual kids ( the 15 yr old twins) and OUR two.
So apparently WAW thought she was just gonna move on out, string me along as long as possible and set up shop with her EX and all four kids as one big happy little family in a two, no more then three bedroom place.
I've been sending out white flags and calls for a truce via my stepmother, who has a halfway decent relationship with my WAW. Sent another one to be delivered today when she was dropping the kids off. The response back was the only way it would even be considered was if I let her have custody of OUR kids. Well DAMN THAT !!!! MY Kids are NOT being raised by this dillhole as long as I have anything to say about it !!!!!
The hearing over the bogus TRO that was supposed to be today was held for one week, mainly at the request of my attorney to prepare. Once the WAW found out she called a close friend of ours and her uncle ( that I get along with pretty well) complaining and ranting about it, how unfair it was, that she wants to see the kids, etc. The existing temp custody order that was a result of HER filing the phony TRO gave ME custody of our two kids and the house temporarily. She was allowed to have them Memorial Day Weekend, Sun 9 AM to Mon 6pm. That was it.
My attorney said that until the hearing date, this means that basically I have full sole custody. I know she believes I orchestrated the delay in the hearing not true, but she needs to believe that instead of accepting any responsibility for where we are now.
Like I said the last few posts, I AM NOT and DO NOT want to hurt or drive her further away for obvious reasons, and Im certain that this is reminding her of loosing the first two kids she had with the EX. When I offered last week for her to see the kids at my Dad's house while I was at class she refused, insisting that I was trying to set her up. Now she's complaining !!
I DO NOT want to " use " the kids as pawns or anything, its simply that there is NO WAY that this guy is raising MY kids as long as I draw breath. I told the friend and the uncle ( hoping one of them might be able to talk sense to her) that I want her to see the kids, but how do we do that without either of us violating the order that exists because of HER actions ??? She thinks Im trying to set her up and I certainly cant trust her to try the same after the events of the last couple weeks.
Part of me really wants to have the attitude of @#$% You WAW, YOU are the one that decided we had to separate, YOU are the one that decided to make up phony allegations, YOU are the one that decided you wanted to move in with your EX and lie about it when you had another viable option that was FREE and certainly would have indicated a desire to reconcile at some point, so NO, I will NOT violate this order and you can sleep in the bed YOU made and tough on you.
The other part of me truly does want to use every tool available to show her Im conciliatory and have already let go of my anger over what she's done the last couple weeks and the lies she has told about me,trying to jam me up for tactical advantage only, and try to arrange a way for her to see the kids, without me being there.
I think one of my fears is, IF for some reason I do not successfully get primary custody, she will use my " hardline " approach to this latest request to make it as difficult as possible for ME to see the kids as revenge.
This is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO confusing.
Anyone have any words of wisdom ?
OASN, yesterday I acquired PROOF that I called the local NON Emergency PD number, the night before she made up the phony TRO allegations, with MY concerns of her doing EXACTLY what she wound up doing !! That night the dispatcher basically blew me off, refused to send an officer out to discuss the situation , etc. I have a copy of the audio, so Im hoping it goes to my credibility that I expressed concerns about what she would try to do, BEFORE she actually did it and I essentially predicted to a T what she wound up doing.
Just heard from the WAW's uncle that she is willing to meet face to face this Saturday at my Dad and Stepmom's house to discuss and try to defuse this situation !!!!
This is the FIRST time since everything exploded that she's been willing to do so, after numerous offers all being rejected. STILL have to be EXTREMELY careful and cautious but its at least a crack in the door.
I already asked a friend that I know and that she's met before that is a pastor to sit in on the meeting. Hopefully that will help put her at ease.
I do have to say I'm as nervous as a longtailed cat in a roomful of rocking chairs that if she gets angry that she could try and jam me on the TRO. But I guess trust has to start somewhere.
I would suggest listening more than talking. See what she says and take mental notes. She's going to be explaining her perception of things. From there you can come up with a plan of action based off those thoughts.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I plan on being as cautious as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs can be I am committed to listening, but I definitely have some questions that need to be answered, or perhaps more accurately some feelings of my own that need to be addressed in SOME manner.
I realize it will definitely be walking a minefield blindfolded, while juggling nitroglycerin but...............
I can say that HER having full custody and me being relegated to "Good Time Weekend Dad " is unequivocally OFF THE TABLE PERIOD !!! Like I said, she wants to live with him that's her choice, but there hasn't been a SINGLE person that has said my concerns over his past and even recent history of violence, specifically towards women is something I should ignore or not be concerned about my daughter being exposed to.
I DO have to call my attorney tomorrow and get clarification on something. The order says she had overnight with the kids from Sun 9AM to Mon 6pm but with NO DATES. Its clear that when it was written that the dates were omitted because it was covering the holiday weekend that just passed and it must have been assumed by the Court staff that there wouldn't be a delay on today's hearing. I've been told that she has said she's getting the kids again THIS Sun and Mon " the easy way or the hard way". So I need to get clarification if that statement of Sun 9AM to Mon PM also applies to THIS weekend.
As much as I want her to see the kids, my daughter has school on Monday morning. I don't have a problem if she wants to see them SUNDAY, but the way I read the order is I HAVE temp custody , so the ball is in my court.
There's also the SERIOUS questions I have, or maybe a better description would be more of " after everything and all the false allegations, I'm still willing to trust you " or something like that. I dunno, still working on it in my head.
let her have the kids for a couple weekends. explain the situation to work if they don't already know, and ask for a couple of Fridays off. grab a knapsack and fill it with a tarp, a thin quilt, waterproof matches, the minimal amount of food to sustain you, some whiskey, a knife, a couple band aids, a water bottle, then walk into the woods a day and a half turn around and walk back.
Monday back to the grind, spend a couple of your free hours during the week thinking about how you can lessen your load, be more waterproof, be faster, the further you can walk the better.
The second or third best thing I did in my entire Divorce Busting experience thus far.
let her have the kids for a couple weekends. explain the situation to work if they don't already know, and ask for a couple of Fridays off. grab a knapsack and fill it with a tarp, a thin quilt, waterproof matches, the minimal amount of food to sustain you, some whiskey, a knife, a couple band aids, a water bottle, then walk into the woods a day and a half turn around and walk back.
Monday back to the grind, spend a couple of your free hours during the week thinking about how you can lessen your load, be more waterproof, be faster, the further you can walk the better.
The second or third best thing I did in my entire Divorce Busting experience thus far.
Had a 4 hour productive conversation today , face to face with the WAW and our neighbor , who has helped both of us, has a backround in counseling and a degree in psychology. When I pointed out that her current situation ( moving back in with her EX) gave her everything she needed from me , that I couldn't give, emotional support, a roof over her head that she doesn't have to worry about paying for, etc. She let it slip that she DIDN'T have "everything she wanted " because " I don't have YOU !""
That was a HUGE slip, and in talking to our "counselor" in private later, she had been watching her mannerisms , body language etc and even she believes it was a SINCERE and heartfelt thing she said, just not something she wanted me to know NOW.
Needless to say, while I kept a poker face, inside my heart SOARED to here her say that. We even wound up having another hour and a half talk without the mediator present, civilly and respectfully. She admitted to getting counseling, admitted to resisting it the first couple visits and when I asked why now, after so many years of me begging her to go, she acknowledged that she didn't want to admit she needed help.
She also told me that almost everyone had been telling her to NOT quit on us, including her EX. I still find it REALLY hard to believe that, considering he has a powerful motive to try to get back with her, at our expense. But she INSISTS it is a strictly platonic relationship, that she even has her own room.
Im still VERY unhappy and uneasy about this living arrangement, and I stressed I was no where NEAR ready and didn't want him participating in ANY activities having to do with US and OUR kids, which she said she could understand and respect.
She also told me that he apparently was upset that THEIR twins call ME " Daddy , apparently because they were asking questions about seeing me. She said she told him " Your going to have to deal with it, because he ( meaning me) was there for them when YOU ( meaning him ) weren't.
I invited her ( strictly as friends ) to a free Country Music Concert I got last minute tickets for, that I was taking our daughter to anyway. I know she wants to go, but its now a question of her work schedule. She also told me that IF she went, HE would have to go also ( I cant be a dick to him like that after what he's done for me ). I told her there was NO WAY I was at a point where I could be sociable with him and suggested an alternative of if we sat apart from each other and she split her time between sitting with me and our daughter and sitting with him and she did say she would consider it, so that's a positive I guess.
For all I know, it might really be true that there is and will not and CANNOT be anything physical between them because of their past history and OUR almost 14 year relationship. Maybe he really ISN'T trying to offer anything other then support, but I still see a HUGE threat. Its even been suggested that I speak to him, but I'm REALLY not sure I'm ready for that yet. And I don't know how she would react if I flat out told him,politely of course, that I have NO intention of not fighting for our relationship and family.
Towards the end, when she finally had to leave for work, she started getting a little teary, and I took a gamble and reached out and stroked her shoulder. Two to three weeks ago she would have recoiled from such a gesture like I had rabies, today she didn't flinch and actually let me do it.
I know I might be treading a fine line of violating some of the DB techniques, but this is a very weird and unique situation with a woman that DOES NOT think or process things the way most "normal " people do, so I'm taking some liberties in small ways to gauge the reaction.
I KNOW its still a LONG WAY and a TON of hard work ahead, but based on today, I really am starting to think we might just come out of this reunited and stronger then ever.
Either that or I'm being played for a fool by a master with sociopathic tendencies and this is all a ploy to not fight her over custody and then I'll get stomped on. But she did readily agree to put in writing that I can have the kids WHENEVER I want, but she's insisting on them living with her.
I reminded her that when Im able to start counseling their going to want to get her input/perspective on things, which she readily agreed to so... The only thing I don't know, and for obvious reasons cant ask, is if HER counselor believes in repairing relationships like everyone suggests. So there's definitely some wild-cards at play here.
We're to chew on things over the weekend and write down what we want and have another meeting with our neighbor/counselor on Tues, trying to hash all this out before Court on Thursday.
So.............. Upbeat and positive, but still heavy hearted , wary and anxious at the same time.
I am committed to listening, but I definitely have some questions that need to be answered, or perhaps more accurately some feelings of my own that need to be addressed in SOME manner.