Exposed finally,,limbo land

[Optimust]

I did it finally, had the exposure talk, and it went according to what you guys were saying.
Me: ”Exposer, blah, blah, affair is not welcome, resolve it”
Her: He is just a friend. Our problems have nothing to do with my FRIEND. Take him out of it and I’ve been unhappy for 15 years,(hand-picked bad moments in marriage(total rewrite)).
Me: Wives are not supposed to spend all there free time, and make free time for a man other than their husband, or spend the night at another man’s home. And friends don’t say “I love you (W name)”
Her: I don’t spend all my time with him(rebutted with 4 examples in last week, she admitted to). He was sick in the hospital and had no one to care for him, he needed someone to watch him 24 hours. How did you get my cell phone, he says he’s loved me since high school (real comforting there, like this is no biggie either). How many texts have you read(answer= enough)
Me: It is an affair, not only that it is the definition of an emotional affair. Here are 9 questions, if 2-3 answered yes, you are in an EA, (she was at least 7 of 9) This is not just a figment of my imagination, it is a true EA.
Take OM out of it then, go NC for 6-12 months and lets see how it works.
Everything I’m doing is to protect and save our marriage and family.
Her: I don’t wont a divorced family, but I’ve been unhappy for a very long time, you just don’t see it.(more hand picked moments)
Me: You’re unfortunately blocking out all the good moments, no M could survive 1 yr, 3 yr, 7yr, let alone 15 years without a lot of good things involved.
Her: What did you tell my dad in your secret dinner meeting, trying to turn him against me?
Me: It wasn’t secret, you were invited also, but chose not to come. I did not turn him against you, his concern is with all of us as a family, and I did tell him you were seeing OM, and that you spent the night at his place (VERY PISSED).
Pretty much died off after this, 1:45 am, I got maybe 2 hours sleep, her also.
So there was a lot of denial, and blameshifting, gaslighting, and other crap.
Not sure what she is planning, but at least I breached the subject and let her know it needs to be resolved.

I feel that if she truly is this unhappy, and wants out, my love for her will probably tell me to set her free(after allowing some time for her to snap out of it), but I’m not going to allow the truth to be twisted anymore, and she will know if it goes that way, it is only because I love her – not because I agree with her FOG-filled mind.
At this point I’m going into 180 mode,and LRT(if I can) and just take care of myself and kids as best I can.

Any other suggestions on what else to do at this point besides 180?

[MrBond]

How has her response been today? It'll take a few days for all the emotion to drain out of that conversation.

Start thinking with a clear head.

[Optimust]

She was cordial this morning. TM OM a few times then called him for 15 minutes. I sent her coffee at work for her and 2 friends for keeping her up late(I don't know if that is good or bad but Bro told me I should, and he paid). She replied that wasnt neccessary but Thank you.
I guess now it is just a waiting game to see what happens.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

GOOD JOB exposing -- well done.

No, i wouldn't have sent her coffee -- let her stew.

Her mood will now swing wildly all over the road; watch.

Puppy

P.S. Have you firewalled your finances? If a cheating spouse is going to steal marital assets (and it's not a majority of the time, but nor is it exactly RARE), this (right after exposure) is when they'll usually do it.

[Optimust]

I have not firewalled anything, and don't really plan too. If she does something in that respects, It is all over but the crying I guess. Seperation at a minimum.
I'm not a rich man, so the finances are not such that it would make much of a difference if she did empty the account, it would just mess up our bills, and in that case, I'm ready to tube our credit through the bankruptcy system.
I just hope she caught a little bit of what was going on, so along with her gut feeling she is doing something very wrong, the little bit of extra guilt might have a chance to start growing.

[Allen A]

You put a dent in the affair at least... You will have to keep chipping away it reality bullets...

The more STRESSFUL her sneaking around, cheating, and lying becomes, the more ATTRACTIVE her marriage will look to her...

UNTIL NOW it has been fun, secret, and romantic for her... YOU just threw a BIG SMELLY WRENCH into that fantasy world...

Keep throwing reality at it...

I don't know if this will work, and Puppy may disagree, but I am wondering right now if her father may be able to offer more influence... How supportive is he of your marriage and you right now? Does he believe this OM is a threat for sure?

You COULD have her FATHER visit OM and tell him to leave his daughter alone and stop taking advantage of her while she and her marriage are vulnerable... I dunno... Puppy may say that's a waste of time, but I BET your WIFE will be livid and it would make the affair even MORE EMBARASSING for her if her father visits OM and gets that involved... NOT a fun affair when daddy knows you are sneaking around and cheating on his grand children and has to step in!

Or maybe you and FIL could visit OM, I dunno... Anyone else?

I know pup isn't big on this, but if you DO have support from HER father and other in laws, if THEY show up at OM's and tell him to get lost, it REALLY does NOT PAINT a PRETTY PICTURE of OM for your wife to sell later on... and she WAS thinking it for sure... Your wife WILL WANT to introduce him later if she pushes this affair further... so I say SPOIL that FANTASY by YOU introducing your in laws to OM in the context of an intervention... REALLY takes the train off the rails!

Its hard to find in laws that willing to get involved though... you would have to gauge it on your own.

Your call, its just an idea that hit me as I was reading opti.

[Optimust]

FIL is definitely not happy about the situation, but also is always concerned about how he is seen through his daughter’s eyes. He has said he will call them as he sees em, weather she is wrong or me, he will call us on our crap. I am waiting to see what happens when they finally do talk.
Another subject, I think I smell another get together happening this weekend, and if it turns into an overnighter, I guess I will have to up the stakes a bit, and ask her to leave the house. This is tough in the fact that she does 75% of the running the girls to their different places. But, I just don’t see how I can tolerate the disrespect, and should probably look into at least a separation situation.
It’s all to fresh to me right now, but I plan on chipping away as much as I can, and doing my 180 and GAL stuff also.

[Allen A]

Don't use text messages when exposing btw, it just looks cowardly and insincere, try to get a face to face if you can.. It's more respectable for you in the long run.

I am not suggesting you were using text, its just something that I saw in anotehr thread and its on my mind...

You may find it better to invite FIL the question in this way :

a. What would you do if your daughter was drinking to excess?
b. What would you do if your daughter was gambling her children's college fund's away?

Tell him you are speaking to him as a son in law, and as a man. You are here to HELP his daughter and to offer her a healthy and stable home and are inviting him to help support and protect that alongside you...

Another way to raise the stakes is to cut her off financially... Lock up the computer in the household etc if you can do that... treat her like a child who has been visiting adult websites etc...

Revoke any finances invested in any place that supports the affair - internet service to your home, cellular phone bills etc

You can also expand the scope of the exposure... keep expanding the scope to increase the pressure...

Keep collecting INTEL

Start taking on house hold responsabilities and/or hiring sitters and whatnot to help with the kids... squeeze her out of the household lifestyle so she starts to miss it.

Expand the scope of exposure to the OM's world, his family, his workplace, his social circles, etc. The exposure script in that area would be different, bit it may have impact... OP's dont' like it when you take the fight to their doorstep... Particularly if you show up at their place of work creating an ugly scene...

[Allen A]

I think I smell another get together happening this weekend, and if it turns into an overnighter, I guess I will have to up the stakes a bit, and ask her to leave the house.

How many kids do you have? Are they a lot of work?

Why not NOT be available this weekend yourself so your wife has responsabilities and can't just fly off to some romantic escape?

I don't have enough details to know if this advice makes sense.. weigh accordingly...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I like the idea of asking her father to contact OM, if .... IF . . . . you feel he will be take-no-bullchit, supportive of your marriage.

I think it would freak the OM out, drive a wedge into the affair, and -- frankly -- it sounds like it might be good for your FIL, too, to take such a stand.

Puppy