still separated, headed for D?

[Piano]

am struggling with guilt today about S. I should have waited longer than a month after WH said he was ready for kids.

How were you to know you would get pregnant straight off the bat? True, many conceive straight away, others take months/years. It's not your fault everything was aligned to make it happen quickly.

[Piano]

1) I believe you will find a way, NM. I don't know how it will come about or when, but it will come, because you want it.

2) We all make mistakes in every part of our waking lives, in our relationships moreso than anywhere else. We don't come into this world 'already assembled', right? We are works in progress and grow through our 'mistakes'. I believe from reading your posts that you were a great woman in your marriage, as you are a great woman now.

3) Your posts are helping a lot of people.I am super impressed by the thought and time you put in to helping strangers, over and over. But if you need time out , take it!

4) I have hope for your sitch as long as you have hope. Noone knows your sitch like you do. It's your marriage - you hold out as long as you want. Other people want you pain to be over and they are more impatient that you as they have less to lose. You'll know when you want to give up.

[Piano]

But I think what gets me down sometimes is seeing other moms and dads with their babies. Like today at swim class, this dad came and he and his wife were both just cracking up over their baby and truly bonding together.

Yeah, that's getting me down too - what's it like experience new parenthood as a couple? I hope one day all us preggy LBS's will get to experience this !

[newmama]

Thank you for your kind words, Piano! I have seen your posts on lots of threads,too, helping me and so many others! We can at least share what we have learned from our bad experiences, right?

Yeah, that's getting me down too - what's it like experience new parenthood as a couple? I hope one day all us preggy LBS's will get to experience this !

We will, but we don't know when...I know it won't be in the first 11 months!

Ok this is a segue into what I really am having a the difficulty forgiving- last night I did the work of the recommendations from the forgiveness articles.

There are still pictures of WH hanging on the wall along the staircase. There is one of him as a 11 or12 year old boy, with his dog, a Weimaraner. WH is wearing a baseball cap and some acid wash jeans! (it was the 80s!)What is funny is that I have looked into those eyes of the younger WH, and just see innocence, kindness, love, and pain. (another article that I didn't post said to think of the ones you want to forgive when they were childrend. And to recognize that their wounds are what have led them to commit the acts. I think it was Dr. Chopra who said this.

BUT the issue that really makes me bitter and angry and sad is what he is doing to S! How do these kids turn out who are shared 50/50?

I realize that I get very angry and sad when I think about S being shuffled back and forth, when I think of his memories being divided into 2 worlds: his mom's house and his dad's house. Where will his home base be? Is he going to have 2 sets of everything? And this would not have to happen if WH wasn't thinking with his d!@#!

But this is a dilemma I am now having with me filing for D- If I do it, then I will be contributing to this future for S that I don't want! I am soooo confused now!!!

[newmama]

I am really struggling really bad. I wish I could talk to someone!!!!!

Should I wait 5 more weeks to bring up D?

Pros: (possibly) WH will get 5 more weeks of this "new" reality check

OW might freak out on him to bug him about D and it will be the last straw for WH


Cons: I am stuck in the land of pain and torture wondering if he is having doubts (good) or if he just doesn't want to pull the trigger (bad)

Will knowing that he wants to divorce me make it easier for me to not feel so sad and not cry in front of S?

I hate him!!!!!

[WhatNow]

This came in my email this morning. I think it was meant for you too!

Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do. - Pope John XXIII

"To give up.
God!
What a bell of freedom that rings within me"
No more wanting to understand what makes you tick
No more wanting to be able to communicate freely
No more waiting for reassurance, for explanation,
...or the words that never come
No more wondering what you are doing
Or who you are with
And then
No more depression
And FINALLY
No more hurting
And all it would take
...is to give you up
But that
...would take too much"

Hang in!


Here's the link FWIW:

www.beyondaffairs.com/weekly_surviving_affairs_newsletters.htm

[Piano]

Hi NM, you're going to be OK. Breathe.

Let me answer the 50/50 thing. I grew up in a 50/50 situation. Although my step-mother was not very kind to me and my brother until she had her own children (my step-brothers), 50/50 worked very well, especially as my parents were very good and civil to each other - just as you and your WH are with regards to S! In my opinion, you are already modelling the BEST 'divorced parents' behaviour possible. BRAVO to you, because I swear, very few parents achieve this.

Also, you will have to adjust the 50/50 thing over time. Perhaps when schooling starts, it will make sense for that to be 70/30, in your favour.

As an example, my brother and I for most of our schooling years spent Wed and Thurs nights at my Dads. This way least interferred with social and sporting activities on the weekend.

My parents also decided to live one suburb apart, so that transporting us was a quick 5mins, and we could do it easily by bus as soon as we were old enough.

I always saw my two houses, my two bedrooms, two birthdays!!, as a source of richness. Kids don't suffer from having two of everything - well, I didn't!

Today we are one big happy family and share all special occassions together and live, literally, as an extended family. That level of closeness and intergratedness took 2 decades to achieve, so it IS possible, it just takes time...

[Piano]

another article that I didn't post said to think of the ones you want to forgive when they were childrend. And to recognize that their wounds are what have led them to commit the acts. I think it was Dr. Chopra who said this.

I find this helpful. Thanks NM!

[Piano]

Is 5 weeks your deadline, NM? Sorry, I can't remember.

I say give him 5 more weeks. See what it turns up. Meanwhile, try to exercise letting go. It's painful I know, and an uneven road... Freaking out is normal. I think you will want to know you gave this time for WH to reconsider. Rememeber, even if you file, it's not the end unless you want it to be.

What are you doing now? Are you still on the board?

[gatsby11]

Hey,

I have to say that I agree with Piano about how helpful your posts are. I read them, and I think about them, like forgiveness and others.

I was not a child of divorce. But my best friend was (her dad had multiple affairs, moved out, is currently MISERABLE while her mom is remarried and happy) and my friend is completely stable, intelligent, and successful. She was. . . 8, I think, when the divorce happened so she was fairly old. I think it's easier for kids who are younger.


All to say, S will follow your lead. If you show him he can be great however his parents' relationship is, I think he will be. But if you show him that he could be damaged, then you can inadvertently cause it. This can come across even in small ways, so watch carefully to make sure you are confident about S's future in front of him.

I'm sure you do this already, but I wanted to mention it.