Old H's sense of humor...New H became quite prudish.
I thought my WH was the only wack-a-doodle to use religion to salve his guilt in the midst of his immorality. Mine had been skipping Sunday mass with the family in lieu of sneaking off to Friday night bible study with his ho. I know - it defies logic.
Originally Posted By: WhatNow
This morning, he sent an email: "was surprised you didn't come to lunch yesterday." WTH!? How can he be surprised? I wasn't any part of the plan DD16 set up w/him. He is living w/ ho and I have told him, he cannot be a part of my life while that is so. I have repeated this every time it comes up. He must be just jerking the rope to see if I am still at the end of it. Or is he trying to reconnect? Or just trying to cake-eat. I replied with " ?? D16 said you all had fun."
Should I have bitten on the R talk?
Absolutely not!
You did exactly the right thing. You've made your terms perfectly clear, he just doesn't want to listen. Keep silent, distance yourself, and make him miss you. The OW and the separation were HIS idea, not yours, so make him deal with it. What this tells me is that OW didn't celebrate his birthday like you would have and it was a glaring difference.
He misses you.
Keep at it.
I know you're looking for any kind of olive branch at this point, WhatNow, but a pathetic "you missed my birthday, boo-hoo!" email ain't it, honey.
Think back to when you two started dating. If he'd acted like this then, would you have continued to see him? No way! He wouldn't have made it past the first or second date.
So don't put up with it now. He's an unworthy candidate for your attention right now, so shut him down EVEN more. If you have very little contact with him -- yet make each contact warm and pleasant -- you'll confuse him.
And he needs to be confused.
Living with one woman while looking forward to a nice birthday lunch with another? Please! He wasn't "surprised" you didn't come - he was devastated! Hell, he lost sleep over it, which is why he emailed you the next day -- an email he probably wrote and rewrote 10x. And girl you know he didn't mention the possibility of seeing you to OW! He's still in his MLC la-la land fog, playing games with both of you.
Snap him out of it.
Be kind and pleasant, but keep him at a distance. Wave at him over the fence, as it were, but don't invite him in. Keep things light. Treat him like you would a friendly neighbor.
It will eat at him. He'll sit in the roach motel with OW, thinking about you in the beautiful home you two built, doing fun things without him, and he'll start to miss you even more. OW will start to grate on his nerves. She'll whine and fuss and annoy him, and he'll sneak off to send you a flirty text message... that you won't respond to. It will drive him nuts.
You caught him off guard by skipping the birthday lunch. He thought you were at home pining away for him day and night, ready to jump at any chance to see him. Now he's not so sure.
Keep it that way.
Confuse him. Confound him. Shake his confidence while you rebuild your own.
The entertainment value alone is worth the effort!
That's where I'm at now. After 7 weeks of DBing (and with some intense help from a coach on another site), I'm starting to see the cracks. WH's still in the basement, still not wearing his ring, but the MLC monster is starting to fade while the guy I married is slowly starting to re-emerge.
Sneaking around with OW was fun and exciting. Wife not giving a damn what he does? Not so much. Colleagues giving him dirty looks when they're together? Not great either. It took a few weeks to get it out of his system, but he's home earlier, spending more time with the kids, and even seeking me out to flirt from time to time.
But he's still testing both of us. He'll say or do something to tick off OW, and she'll go off. He'll say or do something to tick me off, and I'll smile and ignore it...and then go vent elsewhere. He keeps 'upping the ante' to see what the breaking point is. She'll break first, of course, the first time he refuses to do something to advance her career. He'll have then outlived his usefulness in her eyes and she'll be outta there.
Given the vibe I'm getting from him, we're either there or very close to it. Within the month, I'd say. We'll see.
As for you, WhatNow, it all boils down to your attitude. Your MLC WH will string along both of you as long as he can because you both serve a purpose in his life.
But you didn't sign up for a threesome on your wedding day. No one did. You said you'd take him 'for better or for worse.' That he DIDN'T 'foresake all others' like he promised that day has now become 'for worse.'
So your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to force him to choose. By being all this is kind and good in your very limited contact with him, he'll start thinking about all the good times you shared compared to the reality of being with OW...and he'll want you back.
But OW has to go first. That's your condition. When he's put her aside and can prove it -- and when he can prove he is healthy and STD-free -- then, and only then, should you consider re-establishing your relationship.
Don't settle for crumbs. You don't have to. Wait for the cake. You're not on the D List, you're not a booty call.
You're a warm, kind, loving woman who happens to be married to a man drowning in MLC who's threatening to take down those closest to him. Don't let him. Go get on the boat with your kids and toss him a life preserver. When he's ready to swim over to it, he will. But make him chase you to get back on the boat. Hard. Like when you were dating. Otherwise, he won't appreciate the win.
Besides, couldn't you use a hot, steamy romance in your life right now, after all you've been through? The kind where you're the center of his universe, all that he thinks about? I think we all could.
