MLCer or addicted infidel?

[WhatNow]

It's fun eh!?!?

I think the descriptions are actually pretty general but many are opposite...freaky.

Try the relationship spread!!!

[WhatNow]

OMG! I am watching "Serious Moonlight" w/ Meg Ryan. Anyone seen it??? A betrayed wife (Meg) gets the NILWY speech when she discovers OW and duct tapes her H to the toilet!! Kinda dark but funny.

[newmama]

Whatnow, you are good at keeping most of your posts short and sweet! I use my thread as my journal I think! Yep in real life am learning to talk less so I put it allll on here.

Anyway another fun movie is She Devil...I was checking it on Netflix but it isn't on DVD rental! I "saved" it!

[WhatNow]

Ha! Short and sweet? Did you see my first post on this thread?

I journal, rant, theorize, document, and otherwise unload so as to keep my mind off of...well, you know!

Right now I am enjoying America's Got talent. I like it so much better than Idol, and Howie is a great addition.

I went to Ace and got a bunch of stuff to play fix-it tomorrow. I will start with replacing a few of the rod holders in the closets. Did ya ever start one project and have it snowball into 10 others?

[WhatNow]

H has continued to contact me via text. Some days it is just a "Hi", others it is to tell me where the cops are sitting on the freeway (we used to let each other know). I didn't respond.

Yesterday was his birthday, so I texted happy birthday and he replied Thanks. The kids went to meet him for lunch with whatever gifts they came up with and cards...a funny one from me. Later he texted to say he liked it and thought it was funny. It involved Giant boobs. Old H's sense of humor...New H became quite prudish.

This morning, he sent an email: "was surprised you didn't come to lunch yesterday." WTH!? How can he be surprised? I wasn't any part of the plan DD16 set up w/him. He is living w/ ho and I have told him, he cannot be a part of my life while that is so. I have repeated this every time it comes up. He must be just jerking the rope to see if I am still at the end of it. Or is he trying to reconnect? Or just trying to cake-eat. I replied with " ?? D16 said you all had fun."

Should I have bitten on the R talk?

[newmama]

OK I just re-visited your first page. Yep it was long! lol!
BTW I answered your q about R talk in my thread- at least my recollection of "the rules" about R talk and my opinion!

About starting projects that snowball...YES! I think that is why I procrastinate so often on them!

[Marked&Healed]

Well, isn’t that sweet, your H’s have a hero complex and they want you guys to join in and save/fix OW. How sweet, you guys really are a team, aren’t you?

Seriously, guys, I’m not melodramatic as a rule, and I consider myself very understanding and forgiving, but I would SCREAM if my H ever said anything like that to me.

That's 5 years he has to make up for.......arghhhhhh

Well, at least the five years are usually not LITERAL years. If they were, we’d all be in trouble. They can breeze through, pick the good stuff, skip the bad, not sleep and skip over the time consuming stuff, cramming it all into a year or two or three. THANK GOODNESS.

I don’t agree with the move on comment, no offense, RR22 – it is bizarre, but I’m sure it’s not something her H would have ever even imagined suggesting before. IMHO H can’t see his life without you and right now, due to the drive of the chemicals and MLC fog, can’t see a way to not have OW in his life, so he’s doing what he can in his messed up brain – combining the two. I think your H wants to get his foot back in the door because he can’t imagine life without you but at the same time this compulsion has the best of him. Love that you called him on it, WN. Totally cool of you.

WN boundaries are not for MLC until they’re coming out of the tunnel or at least in touch and gos. Do you feel you’re ready to set boundaries when H hasn’t even said he wants to come back? I agree, he’s looking out of the tunnel at you, but I don’t know if I would set them just yet. As for the boundary of not letting OW move in with you…well, I think you’ll agree that H does not believe in his rational mind that would ever happen, so he knows your boundary there.

He has himself convinced they have this open and honest R, and refuses to see the deceptions it is based on. He says "no secrets between them" but it takes him 2 days to mention he took me out on a Sat nite. I wonder...Does he tell her how he misses me, how he still loves me, is having trouble getting along with out me, how he can't imagine his life without me, all these things he has been telling me over and over?

Oh, boy, does this sound familiar.

As for the projects… I’m really trying to unravel mine. Try making lists. That always helped me in the past. It seems better when you have something to cross off, somehow.

[WhatNow]

Hi M&H! Thanks for stopping by with such great insight!

I don’t agree with the move on comment, no offense, RR22 – it is bizarre, but I’m sure it’s not something her H would have ever even imagined suggesting before.

Delusions are a part of all of this. He has a few other delusions, but the polygamy was the hardest to hear. It did make me realize how far gone he is, and is a good temperature taker that he still brings it up!

WN boundaries are not for MLC until they’re coming out of the tunnel or at least in touch and gos. Do you feel you’re ready to set boundaries when H hasn’t even said he wants to come back?

H has said he wants to come back AND for me to accept OW in our lives (with just some hand-holding and kissing). He knows I never will, nor will our kids.

He has been in a slowly, increasingly "touch" for the last month or so, which, I fear could become a full-blown cake-eating sitch, if I do not maintain a line of some sort. I'll allow him to pursue the R talk next time he brings it up.

I love lists!! (The SPED teacher in me!) (I even draw little 'cross out' boxes..shhh)
The prob is, "Weed out DS13's clothes" has turned into a week long project of fixing the closet rods, weeding out toys, weeding out books, putting stuff in storage, cleaning out the storage room,...and so on!!!

[Seeing Red]

Old H's sense of humor...New H became quite prudish.

I thought my WH was the only wack-a-doodle to use religion to salve his guilt in the midst of his immorality. Mine had been skipping Sunday mass with the family in lieu of sneaking off to Friday night bible study with his ho. I know - it defies logic.

This morning, he sent an email: "was surprised you didn't come to lunch yesterday." WTH!? How can he be surprised? I wasn't any part of the plan DD16 set up w/him. He is living w/ ho and I have told him, he cannot be a part of my life while that is so. I have repeated this every time it comes up. He must be just jerking the rope to see if I am still at the end of it. Or is he trying to reconnect? Or just trying to cake-eat. I replied with " ?? D16 said you all had fun."

Should I have bitten on the R talk?

Absolutely not!

You did exactly the right thing. You've made your terms perfectly clear, he just doesn't want to listen. Keep silent, distance yourself, and make him miss you. The OW and the separation were HIS idea, not yours, so make him deal with it. What this tells me is that OW didn't celebrate his birthday like you would have and it was a glaring difference.

He misses you.

Keep at it.

I know you're looking for any kind of olive branch at this point, WhatNow, but a pathetic "you missed my birthday, boo-hoo!" email ain't it, honey.

Think back to when you two started dating. If he'd acted like this then, would you have continued to see him? No way! He wouldn't have made it past the first or second date.

So don't put up with it now. He's an unworthy candidate for your attention right now, so shut him down EVEN more. If you have very little contact with him -- yet make each contact warm and pleasant -- you'll confuse him.

And he needs to be confused.

Living with one woman while looking forward to a nice birthday lunch with another? Please! He wasn't "surprised" you didn't come - he was devastated! Hell, he lost sleep over it, which is why he emailed you the next day -- an email he probably wrote and rewrote 10x. And girl you know he didn't mention the possibility of seeing you to OW! He's still in his MLC la-la land fog, playing games with both of you.

Snap him out of it.

Be kind and pleasant, but keep him at a distance. Wave at him over the fence, as it were, but don't invite him in. Keep things light. Treat him like you would a friendly neighbor.

It will eat at him. He'll sit in the roach motel with OW, thinking about you in the beautiful home you two built, doing fun things without him, and he'll start to miss you even more. OW will start to grate on his nerves. She'll whine and fuss and annoy him, and he'll sneak off to send you a flirty text message... that you won't respond to. It will drive him nuts.

You caught him off guard by skipping the birthday lunch. He thought you were at home pining away for him day and night, ready to jump at any chance to see him. Now he's not so sure.

Keep it that way.

Confuse him. Confound him. Shake his confidence while you rebuild your own.

The entertainment value alone is worth the effort!

That's where I'm at now. After 7 weeks of DBing (and with some intense help from a coach on another site), I'm starting to see the cracks. WH's still in the basement, still not wearing his ring, but the MLC monster is starting to fade while the guy I married is slowly starting to re-emerge.

Sneaking around with OW was fun and exciting. Wife not giving a damn what he does? Not so much. Colleagues giving him dirty looks when they're together? Not great either. It took a few weeks to get it out of his system, but he's home earlier, spending more time with the kids, and even seeking me out to flirt from time to time.

But he's still testing both of us. He'll say or do something to tick off OW, and she'll go off. He'll say or do something to tick me off, and I'll smile and ignore it...and then go vent elsewhere. He keeps 'upping the ante' to see what the breaking point is. She'll break first, of course, the first time he refuses to do something to advance her career. He'll have then outlived his usefulness in her eyes and she'll be outta there.

Given the vibe I'm getting from him, we're either there or very close to it. Within the month, I'd say. We'll see.

As for you, WhatNow, it all boils down to your attitude. Your MLC WH will string along both of you as long as he can because you both serve a purpose in his life.

But you didn't sign up for a threesome on your wedding day. No one did. You said you'd take him 'for better or for worse.' That he DIDN'T 'foresake all others' like he promised that day has now become 'for worse.'

So your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to force him to choose. By being all this is kind and good in your very limited contact with him, he'll start thinking about all the good times you shared compared to the reality of being with OW...and he'll want you back.

But OW has to go first. That's your condition. When he's put her aside and can prove it -- and when he can prove he is healthy and STD-free -- then, and only then, should you consider re-establishing your relationship.

Don't settle for crumbs. You don't have to. Wait for the cake. You're not on the D List, you're not a booty call.

You're a warm, kind, loving woman who happens to be married to a man drowning in MLC who's threatening to take down those closest to him. Don't let him. Go get on the boat with your kids and toss him a life preserver. When he's ready to swim over to it, he will. But make him chase you to get back on the boat. Hard. Like when you were dating. Otherwise, he won't appreciate the win.

Besides, couldn't you use a hot, steamy romance in your life right now, after all you've been through? The kind where you're the center of his universe, all that he thinks about? I think we all could.

You can do this!

Good luck!

[WhatNow]

Thanks SR! Hmmmmm I vaguely remember saying similar to you awhile back! Thanks for reminding me of my plan. It gets confusing when he throws new stuff into the mix.

I guess I need a canned reponse.
"Under the circumstances, I cannot discuss this."
or
"As long as you are living with OW, I will not discuss feelings with you"
or
"I miss you too. Too bad you are living w/ OW, which is preventing us from having any kind of relationship"
????
Any ideas?


This morning he emailed suggesting I get a flowbee or something to cut DS13's hair. I like the barber. DS doesn't go that often anyway. At the bottom of the email, he wrote "BTW Hi I miss you"
I didn't reply.. Just now, I did text him to ask if he would have DD18's car fixed as I was insisting she register for 12 hours this summer session. Should've just handled the car thing myself I suppose.