Still Moving Forward

[BeingMe]

I can see that you might think I am hesitant, but I really (as far as I can recall) have tried everything I know how to save this M. I do think he went through some MLC, and maybe he's not quite out of it yet, but when waiting for him to emerge is taking away precious years that I may not have, I think I can say "it's time to leave." He's wasted enough of my time.

I have told him on several occasions what my LL is, which is quality time together ---- talking about things, anything, where he is completely focused on me, not half on work, or half on the children, etc. But, I NEVER get that. I tried to give him his LL, which was s@x, but now he doesn't want that because I asked him once for us to have it romanitically, that he say he loves me during ML. He couldn't do it, so what does that say about his feelings for me? I have tried discussing our lack of s@x ... he won't talk about it. It has been 1.5 years since last we ML, and that was just before I went in for my brain op. Before that, it was a couple of years.

It's not that I care about having love in my life ... it's that I am living with someone who should love me, and obviously doesn't. And, now I don't either. The only thing that worked was when I had accepted we would divorce 6 years ago, and my D and I were happily preparing and discussing our new home. He said he suddenly realized what he was about to lose, and begged me to stay. I regret staying now. But, I loved him then. That first glow soon faded.

This time, there will be no going back. (This is an awful thing to say, but sometimes I think he's just waiting for my possible early demise, to set him free.)