SOS from England - WAW

[StandingTall]

I have been reading the great advice in this forum for a few days and I feel now is the right time to post my sitch.

We live in England having travelled around the world with my work. W and I met in England, UK in 2002, love at first sight but she moved back to Eastern Europe as her visa expired. I made over 6 trips to visit her over 3 months and got married soon after that.

We moved to the Caribbean straight after our wedding for 2 years due to my work and I found out that she was a very jealous person with low self esteem. There were occasions when I wanted to leave but she used to get physical to prevent me from leaving. An example would be us walking down the street after being out and a girl walking past laughing or smiling, she would ask me if I knew her.

We then moved to Asia where I worked 12 hour days in a highly stressful environment. My parents were also living in the same city which created tension. My wife was still jealous and we often argued in private and in puiblic. She does not work as she never finished school, and even though I offered to pay for courses for her, she did not get round to enrolling in them.

In Asia, I acted very bad towards her in front of my family. Looking back, I now know why I did the things that I did and said the things that I said. I needed to show that I was “in charge” of the family and this came through sub-consciously as that is the Asian culture. I grew up in the West so I should have known better. W packed her things and called me to say she was leaving, but I rushed home and begged her to stay.

W stayed and we had our beautiful daughter in 2006. She was the light of my life but I was so stressed from work, W’s continued jealousy and 1st child, our relationship deteriorated. I am ashamed to say that I once slapped my wife and pushed her. I often put her down and call her “stupid” and “idiot”.

We decided to come back to the UK in 2008. We bought a house which we needed to totally refurbish and also extend to accommodate the family. I did all of the project management of the building work. This coupled with a new job meant that I had very little time to think about my actions towards W. I am an attentive and loving father and poured all of my energy into my daughter. From the time I come home from work to every weekend, I ensured my little one was happy and entertained. I know now that this is wrong as my wife was neglected.

W often made snide comments about me being sorry when she is gone, or she is just waiting for our daughter to settle down into school before leaving, but I brushed these comments aside as nagging. I never see my friends as I was fearful of her reaction due to her jealousy. We argue over very insignificant things just to prove that we were right. In essence, we did not know how to communicate like adults.
I was in the US in May on a business trip and she told me before I left that she is going to see a lawyer to get a divorce. When I came back, she has done that and became cold to me. I did the classic error of pursuing and begging for forgiveness until I came across this forum and the book. For the past week, I have been GAL (running and seeing my friends) and doing 180 like helping around the house and not arguing with W or being controlling.

I then found out that she has been having an EA with a man she met in the bar back in April 2010. Loads of texts and phone calls. I am sure she met up with him during my US trip and has also met up at night last week. (not over night)

At the moment, W is very amicable about the divorce settlement and custody issues with the idea of shared parenting being hers. She says I am a very good father and that is why she wants the D to be amicable. The laws in the UK are in favour of the W / mother.

I loved my wife the moment I saw her and we have been through many good and bad adventures. I can now clearly see how I had treated her in the past and I want to treat her the same way I want my daughter to be treated in the future. Obviously the wife says it is too late and she had given me chances before. She is still a very loving mother and cares about people’s feelings.

I would love to hear all your vet’s advice. Thank you for reading this.