Puppy, Coach...advice..anyone...Need a quick answe

[Greek]

Trust - yes, but VERIFY as much as possible. You are correct in what you said earlier - you don't want to constantly pepper him with questions, but there are ways to know. Be creative. Keep your eyes open.

Greek

[swimmingupstream]

I have some major changing to do. One of them getting a new job. It is just too hard to work with her. Unless I start making changes I am not going to be able to move on and gain closure. I just feel like I am walking on egg shells with all of this. Like if I say or do the wrong thing he will be right back over there.

[Greek]

I have some major changing to do. One of them getting a new job. It is just too hard to work with her. Unless I start making changes I am not going to be able to move on and gain closure. I just feel like I am walking on egg shells with all of this. Like if I say or do the wrong thing he will be right back over there.

You don't control him. No matter what you do - he is a big boy and he will make his own choices. And he may be a big DUMB boy and choose to cheat on his family. But that is not yours to control. You must do what is RIGHT and what is RIGHT FOR YOU.

Greek

[swimmingupstream]

I know. I just feel so responsible for everything in our marriage. From him having the affair, to the bills, the kids..everything. I am very hard on myself. I want to have a happy marriage. I want to trust him but he needs to do things to make me feel secure. I know you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else but by turning to her that was huge in my book. He did and said a lot of things that I have not yet forgiven. I was hurt very badly. I dont know how you put this all past you.
I do want to thank all of you in advance for your help! I am just ready to move on..and stop all of this. I need to breathe...

[Greek]

Swimming - I am so sorry that you are hurting. Truly.

You are not "hard" on yourself. You have some inappropriate guilt. The affair, sister, is his choice. He is an adult whom you have NO CONTROL over, so cut that thinking out right now about how you are responsible for it.

"he needs to do things to make me feel secure" - again, you are suggesting that one grown up should be responsible for another grown up's feelings. Stand on your own. Feel what you feel and take responsibility for that alone.

Forgiving someone does not mean you put the offense "behind you". It means you take your hands off their throat for doing it. Whether you forgive him or not, you will have to deal with the hurt, the wound, the scar of what's been done. The forgiveness is as much a gift you give yourself as anyone else.

Greek

[swimmingupstream]

Well I blew it....Last night I went downstairs to talk to him about how I was feeling. I told him I feel really insecure about this whole situation. He knew my emails that I sent to him about stupid little things were to check to see if he was going over there....I cant win. Plain and simple. I woke him up but really I did not think he was sleeping. So I get to hear how he cannot trust anything that comes out of my mouth and how I am always worried about everything. My anxiety does take over..but I was doing so well. I really was. I dont want things to go back to the way they were. I hate feeling insecure..but here I sit worried that because I "harrassed" him last night and then this morning that it is too late..he will go and see her...I screwed up. It is not fair to think that everytime we have a fight or I "badger" him he will talk to her or see her...not fair. I cant live my life like that. I will agree that my anxiety does get the best of me..but as I told him last night..there is never a good time to talk to him...not at night or not in the morning....The kids are around...It was that way before. I should be able to tell him how I feel at this point without having to worry that he is going to see her. That is all there is to it!

[swimmingupstream]

To think straight in this matter..he does know the consequences.

[Greek]

Well I blew it....Last night I went downstairs to talk to him about how I was feeling.

He does not care, Swimming. He's having an A...clearly he does not care how you feel.

I told him I feel really insecure about this whole situation. He knew my emails that I sent to him about stupid little things were to check to see if he was going over there....I cant win.

You won't win as long as you continually choose losing plays. You demonstrated to him the OPPOSITE of a strong, confident woman last night. And even if you are neither strong nor confident - FAKE IT! Do not show that fear and insecurity to him. He does not care. It will not move him. He will not stop doing that other woman to help you feel SECURE.

My anxiety does take over..but I was doing so well.

Choices, Swimming. You are making choices. Anxiety is not some entity over which you have not control. Combat anxiety with strength and self-love.

It is not fair to think that everytime we have a fight or I "badger" him he will talk to her or see her...not fair. I cant live my life like that.

So don't. Stop WORRYING about what he will do b/c of what you will do. He is making choices, too, but they are about what he wants. You act like you have some control over that and you don't. You only control YOU!

I will agree that my anxiety does get the best of me

Hell yeah it does! And Swimming, if you don't toughen up, you are going to go belly up on yourself! Big Girl Panties, my sister...put 'em on. Look, face these facts - your husband is having an affair. He is not attracted to you. He thinks you worry too much. He says you badger him. He doesn't trust what you say. >>> Keep doing the same things you are currently doing, and none of this will change. <<< Or, or, or...you could use a different approach - a confident, GAL, self-care, forward looking approach - and see what changes appear.

Don't make me come over there!
Greek

[swimmingupstream]

The affair is "supposed" to be over. If he goes over there or contacts her he knows that he needs to leave. That I have made very clear and did so last night.
How do I change how he sees me? I was changing...Why does he NOT trust what I say?
It is not like I am unattractive.I have lost 74 lbs..explain the attraction part. So he is attracted to her? really?

[swimmingupstream]

So should I tell him to leave...I mean..that was the deal...if the affair was not ended then he needed to leave.