My long term girlfriend and I (both early 30s) have been together for 5 years. She has two children in their early teens and we have a toddler together. GF was sexually abused by step family when she was young. Her Ex abandoned his kids after they split. Her mother has nothing to do with her or the kids, and her parents live out of state.
The first couple years were great, but I got sucked into a game and ignored her alot. After realizing what i was doing i quit playing and tried too hard to get us back to where we were before. Daily life is pretty typical dealing with kids, and keeping up the house. We rarely get alone time with each other. I feel like im not sure how to make her feel special in my eyes like i did when we were courting.
After waking up from the gaming it put a fear in me. She had stopped giving affection toward me like she once did. She was thinking about leaving me and looking for attention that I was not giving her.
Since then I thought we were doing alright, but I've become insecure with loosing her. She has done the typical excuses to get out of sex, or just hurry up attitude, where she used to be into it. So there's been frequent rejection/not in the mood. I sometimes avoid giving her affection or initiating sex to see if she will. I feel unwanted by her and hope to get affirmation/reassurance from her, but alot of times it doesnt happen so im left disappointed.
I have become very anxious when we do have sex and have developed some PE with it. She looks down on this which doesnt help matters.
Her general attitude has been disinterest for some time now. I'm sure partly my fault from the demons i've developed. I've also been a broken record about every month trying to open up communication to work on some of our issues. Usually its about her lack of affection and interest in me. I've been jealous and insecure.
Her Boss and work:
I've been paranoid/jealous of her boss. They travel in town and surrounding communities to visit clients together, He treats her to lunch sometimes, They stay a little late at the office to discuss work, and she sometimes stays a little late catching up on things. They are on a community board together as president and vice president.
It seems like once a week, possibly the same day each week she dresses a little nicer than usual. Its usually her company shirts, but these times its nicer blouses or whatever. I wish she would dress nicer for me, but when she gets home she usually changes into casual capris or sweats.
New female coworker gone friend:
Her new buddy has been there about 3 months. She is single, has 5 kids, always going out and hooking up with guys, and is not being a responsible person/mother IMO. I despise this type of person, but have tried to be nice since she is on our softball team, and is my GF's friend/coworker. This last month my GF has gone out to a bar with her 3 times. First time til 2am, second time I saw a text from her asking my GF if she could get out later. So later my GF said "im taking these clothes over to her for her children". She texted me after that saying they were going for a drink. This drink lasted til 1:30. The third time her friend told me she would have my GF back by midnight which she did, but I checked her phone afterwards and noticed that She called my GF during the time they were supposedly together, and my GF called her back 6 minutes later. This really didnt sit with me well, and i wonder if they were together the whole evening.
About a week ago I talked with my GF in great length mostly because I feel jealous and insecure and do not like her hanging out with her friend. Especially at bars.
She proceeded to tell me that she wasnt sure if she wanted to work on the relationship, she isnt attracted to me, she has one foot out the door, she feels that I dont want her anymore, she complained that I dont give her gifts anymore, etc...
After the first session i wasnt sure where we stood, so i initiated the conversation again. At one point she asked "if it is over do i need to find another place to live?" I didnt answer that question, and we ended up discussing things again. Some things this time were that she didnt know how to work on us, she is afraid, afraid to let anyone get close to her, afraid to show her weaknesses, etc..
The last couple of days since those discussions, We havent discussed the R, things have been more on the lighter side of convo. She is still kissing me goodbye in the morning, and at lunch if i see her.
Lastnight after our game I didnt make myself available to her or cling next to her. I socialized by myself with everyone and left her to do her own thing. She came up behind me and touched my arm at one point but i pretty much ignored it.
So I know some of the 180s i need to work on, and GAL again, but I'm not really sure how I should be acting toward her, or treating her in general to gain attraction back.
The first couple years were great, but I got sucked into a game and ignored her alot. After realizing what i was doing i quit playing and tried too hard to get us back to where we were before. Daily life is pretty typical dealing with kids, and keeping up the house. We rarely get alone time with each other. I feel like im not sure how to make her feel special in my eyes like i did when we were courting.
Aren't you technically still courting? Why haven't you two made a M commitment to each other?
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Since then I thought we were doing alright, but I've become insecure with loosing her. She has done the typical excuses to get out of sex, or just hurry up attitude, where she used to be into it. So there's been frequent rejection/not in the mood. I sometimes avoid giving her affection or initiating sex to see if she will. I feel unwanted by her and hope to get affirmation/reassurance from her, but alot of times it doesnt happen so im left disappointed.
You and GF need to have a conversation about these feelings/impressions. You should express this to her, but also listen when she gives her POV.
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Her general attitude has been disinterest for some time now. I'm sure partly my fault from the demons i've developed. I've also been a broken record about every month trying to open up communication to work on some of our issues. Usually its about her lack of affection and interest in me. I've been jealous and insecure.
Put yourself in her shoes. Surely she feels like these monthly communications are attacks on her. Y'all need to find a better, more equitable way to share.
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Some things this time were that she didnt know how to work on us, she is afraid, afraid to let anyone get close to her, afraid to show her weaknesses, etc..
You understand these are her abuse wounds.
So what is the reason for not being M? She has all of the Wifely Expectations, but none of the commitment. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
We got pregnant early in the relationship, she out of desperation asked me to marry her. I told her yes, but not yet because i wanted us to get married not because we were going to have a child together, but because we wanted to get married. She misinterpreted this and I didnt find out til later. So we were engaged for awhile and she was excited and planning everything, but then we decided to move and buy a house in my home town to have a better support system with the children, etc... So the engagement peetered out and she eventually gave up and literally took it back.
I've wanted to propose to her for a long time, but i cant afford a ring outright and am afraid to borrow for it especially with the way things have gone the last couple years. In our last discussions she stated that if I were to ask her, she couldnt give me a guarantee that she would say yes.
She is also non-commital with me as i wanted us to get a phone account and new phones together since we have been on seperate plans since we moved. She went and looked with me but backed out and said she could always be added to my plan later.
We got pregnant early in the relationship, she out of desperation asked me to marry her. I told her yes, but not yet because i wanted us to get married not because we were going to have a child together, but because we wanted to get married. She misinterpreted this and I didnt find out til later. So we were engaged for awhile and she was excited and planning everything, but then we decided to move and buy a house in my home town to have a better support system with the children, etc... So the engagement peetered out and she eventually gave up and literally took it back.
Yipes. That must have been a HUGE blow to her. Ouch.
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I've wanted to propose to her for a long time, but i cant afford a ring outright and am afraid to borrow for it especially with the way things have gone the last couple years. In our last discussions she stated that if I were to ask her, she couldnt give me a guarantee that she would say yes.
The ring thing - sounds like an excuse to me. A ring doesn't make a commitment. So to me it seems like you are all about her being committed to you, tied to you in all ways...but you won't make the same statements to her with your actions. You two have built a house on sand.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
The ring thing to me is important. I dont want to feel like a schmuck and not have one to give her.
It's not about what you need to feel. It's what your GF needs to feel.
You say it's important but you haven't taken care of business. How do you think that makes her feel?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
The ring thing to me is important. I dont want to feel like a schmuck and not have one to give her.
But you don't have to wait until you can afford the Hope Diamond! Geez. So get her a ring you can afford and put your family together! Unfortunately, it appears you have a number of issues - resulting from the lack of commitment on both of your parts - that may preclude her from saying yes to a marriage proposal anyway. So you two will need to deal with those things. But if I were you, I would start with really looking at that particular issue from HER POINT OF VIEW and addressing that with her. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
