WAH in MLC with PA

[courageous wife]

(((DG)))

Remember that what he is going through is not BECAUSE of you. He will blame you cause he needs to blame someone! He has to learn to take responsibility for his own happiness...

You mention organization...try to concentrate on that! That will keep your mind occupied and having a house, things, schdule that is organized will make your life easier and YOU feel better! I am working on that myself and am liking how it is looking around here and am feeling less agitated as I am actually doing and not just thinking about what I want to do!!!

Get busy DG!!!! You can't control your H but you can control your house!!!!

[seeking answers]

DG, I would venture to say that the sitches we find ourselves in are new to most of us. Expect yourself to flounder at times as it is part of the process, and we are not perfect. Be kind to yourself. It's not easy and it takes a long time. Learn from your mistakes and keep moving forward.

One thing I have found that helps is to tackle one thing at a time when you're trying to reorganize and follow through to completion. Break it down if you need to, to avoid being overwhelmed.

Hang in there DG, you can do this!

(((Hugs)))

[DiamondGirl]

Thanks so much CW! You are absolutely right... I'm trying to do a lot of things at once. My job is fairly mundane so I have way too much time to think.. and it's hard to organize the home from here.. LOL

I'm trying to work through this anger though because it tanks every interaction H and I have. And I don't want to be the person I turn into when I see him and feel anger. Not a nice person and pretty petty and vindictive. Even if H and I never get back together, this anger will taint the R we have to have for our kids.

Both SIL have now "unfriended" me.. I guess because of the most recent episode with H. Then again, they are both hugely enabling him and aren't the healthiest either in attitude.

I'm holding on to anger.. and I don't know how to release it or let it go. I'm not usually one to hold a grudge either, so this is really hard for me to figure out...

[DiamondGirl]

Thanks SA, I am going to have to break what I want done down further. I'm kind of a 100% person and jump into things with both feet. Not always the best way to be when I'm stressed...

[DiamondGirl]

Brief update...

Sorry I haven't been on in a few days...I've been trying to stay off this site while at work, otherwise I just keep reading it instead of what I'm getting paid to read.

SIL texted me briefly... said that she "unfriended" me on FB because OW feels like an intruder with H's family (ya think??)

She said that OW has been "barking" at H about it and he in turn was pressuring her to add OW to her friend list. She didn't want OW to be able to see my stuff so she unfriended me then added OW to shut them both up (so she says).

She said she's told H that she thinks he's making a huge mistake, but he won't listen. I told her that he's just trying to legitimize the addiction and what will be, will. That all she can do is be there when he needs her to be.

I'm pretty detached right now (knocking on wood)... Am trying to work on the mirror work.. planning an exercise routine to take advantage of free gym facilities at work as well as some GAL activities...

I've started to think more and more about how I want the house, my life, to look etc and will see what I can do to change it.

Am a little concerned about financials (H still hasn't given me anything.. partly cuz he doesn't have it.. when he does, it goes elsewhere I think)... When my mom moves out in the fall I'll have to come up with some extra cash to compensate. I might take a page out of Mila's journey and revive a business I used to own years ago... Still working on it and I know something will work out...

I'm pretty sure that one reason H isn't giving me $$ is because he always complained that we couldn't afford the house so he's hoping I won't be able to go it alone.. that would prove he was right. I will not give him that satisfaction.. I'm going to work it out one way or another..

I've felt very happy the last few days. Not focusing on H and his spin cycle was a relief. I'm hoping it will last for a while.

Am reading a book that has an Appendix about what your emotions are telling you when you are going through changes in your life or work. The book talks about the different phases of change and has journal-type exercises to help you move through the stages. Quite helpful IMO.

The book is called "Changing Directions Without Losing Your Way" and the Appendix itself is worth picking up the book. I'm going to have to buy it as the one I'm reading is a loaner.

(((To all of you))) I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you!
I'm thankful that you are here...

[courageous wife]

DG....sounding great! We have our ups and downs.

That is what this place is for...get us through the downs and encourage us through the ups!

Sounds like an awesome plan for the possible business venture!!!

Life WILL be good with or without our H's!!!

[Marked&Healed]

I'm holding on to anger.. and I don't know how to release it or let it go. I'm not usually one to hold a grudge either, so this is really hard for me to figure out...

DG, I totally feel you on this. I have anger at my H’s friends, one was the best man at our wedding. I thought they were my friends also. They are not only supporting H, but just heard his side and accepted OW into their circle like I never existed. After 12 years of being there for them. I forgave H and even OW, but the friends, I have a really, really hard time with. I’ve prayed on it, but nothing seems to help just yet. I guess all I can say is with SILs, it takes time to heal those wounds. Just don’t fall into bitterness.

, I am going to have to break what I want done down further. I'm kind of a 100% person and jump into things with both feet. Not always the best way to be when I'm stressed...

And as for this… well, let me tell you, I know about this. LOL. I am so stressed, I am in avoidance totally as to my situation. Instead of doing something to get past my financial and household chore problems, I am avoiding. Because it all just seems to insurmountable. I finally decided to break it into manageable chunks and work off of checklists. I haven’t started, but I bet that would work for you also. Less scary when you make them small projects.

I’m glad SIL told you her side of it. Now it’s up to you to accept that or not. I think it was very nice what she said and you know now that she stands with you although she feels she has to choose H, her blood.

[DiamondGirl]

I don't blame SIL.. H has pushed OW on them from the beginning to legitimize his affair...get their acceptance... Tough to stop something being shoved down your throat by someone you love..,

I don't contact her first anymore... Only repond briefly when she contacts me...

D3 has been a holy terror the last few days... Pushing her limits at every opportunity... Keeps refusing to go to bed and doesn't want to sleep alone... Makes it hard for me to pry the reins from my mom's controlling hands and get things done after D3 bed time...

I'm trying to stand fully on my own and handle things... They don't make it easy for me... They don't understand the changes in myself (D3 is too young obviously) but my mom is really resisting my changes. My changing from relying on her means she has to change too. She'd rather stay in her safe comfort zone...

[courageous wife]

DG...so sorry! You have so much going on! Some within your control and some not. All you can do is take it one step at a time, one thing at a time.

Start with the easy stuff and don't be afraid to take advantage of any help you can get...even if it is from Mom!!!

[Marked&Healed]

I remember once when my Mom, who is a lovely lady, but I lost 60 pounds and she said "you're getting too skinny." I was so distraught that she wasn't happy for me, and supportive, I gained the weight back. Now, that was my response to her words, but still, I felt badly.

Moms, controlling or not, always want their children to be right where they know they should be. Your changes probably scare her because she is afraid of being left behind. I know you know that, but it doesn't make it easier, does it? Your mom will have to come along because your changes are permanent, right? Now you have several people in your life throwing fits, and it must seem like you are the crazy one at times.

It's so hard to stand on your own. No wonder we were meant to be in pairs, our lives are so complicated now.