Nothing fits

[mishka422]

stop trying to be a mirror and be your own shiny person.

OMG OT!!! I love that one! I just wrote it on a post it and stuck it to my computer screen.

You are so good at cutting to the bottom and giving it to me straight. In my own head, what I'm saying doesn't sound like martyr crap but when you point it out so succinctly, it totally is! Believe me, I know this is all me. It's my warped perception of things. Just because Gabe can't put a voice to his feelings doesn't mean they don't exist. I've been carefully watching his actions and attitudes (as my counselor suggested) instead of listening for words and it is reassuring.

Why do I assume he's just going to up and leave? I guess it's just history that created fear. He left me 3 times in less than 4 months and each time he proclaimed that he wanted our R, wanted our family. This time he came for convenience and stayed. Maybe I would feel differently if he had come back to me, for me, instead of just because the broom kicked him out. I'll never know. All that can be done now is to make the best of the situation which is what I do.

Now....change it up. Hmmm.....well........

I have changed a few behaviors. I go to bed when he does. I never, ever, reject an opportunity for ML when offered. I don't turn down opportunities to go out with my friends or to a party just because he wouldn't like me to go. As far as speaking my mind, well, I think I did that too readily in the past so I just keep my mouth shut now unless it's something of extreme importance.

I don't, and never did, force him to go to my family events. When we were M'd he wouldn't show up - even after saying he would drop by - and that bothered me immensely. Again, it just always seemed so strange to me especially since my family loved him so much. Whatever. Like I said, it's his loss.

And why don't I just tell him I'm going to read for a while? He always hated it. It drove him crazy that I would read for 2 hours instead of sitting on the couch on the other side of the room from him mindlessly watching TV (make that channel surfing and never really watching anything)but still not interacting at all.

What would I like to see happen next with us?

I'd like for Gabe to ask me to go out with him for a date night. Yes, I said it, a date. It's not realistic since he works 7 days a week and all of those are evenings. I know not to expect it, but that doesn't stop me from wishing does it?