I get that this is detachment ... but I guess I'm struggling with how ... I thought I was doing better with detachment but then I wonder how do I accept, one hundred percent, some of his actions and words? How do they not make me sad or hurt? Even if I understand where they are coming from, how do I fully, 100% get OK with them?
When you can honestly understand that you are not part of this trip that he has to make.
Detaching is not a physical place....it is a state of mind. It is when all that you have learned , and the true reflection of yourself starts to shine, meet.
Everything that you are reading ( or supposed to be ) is to help you with understanding this monster called MLC. It is the accepting of that monster that brings one to a place of peace....called detachment.
It isn't easy, and it doesn't happen overnight. Any real change takes time.
When you can realize that you get to take the same trip of discovery that he does, only with your rational thoughts intact. Things begin to open up for you . You really DO NOT want to be in his head right now if he is MLC.
MLC is a long road, filled with bumps and unexpected turns that can throw you around like a rag doll if you let it....the key is .....Don't let it.
Take the time and do the work on yourself. Become who you want to be, the you that was lost underneath the marriage.
Detachment is hard to describe...
The best way I have found is....
When one does the right thing, not to induce a reaction, rather,regardless of the reaction.
Originally Posted By: PEImom_of_3
Again .... how? I get it in theory, but in reality how do you agree with someone without resentment building over the fact that now only THEIR needs are important. It seems like it can only be one or the other, and since the needs are opposite I suppose that's true ... but didn't my H's resentment build out of him not getting his needs met? How do I avoid having the same thing happen?
We have kids ... what about their needs and rights?
Easy there....
Kids have a way of making us Martyrs in their eyes...
Unless it is a dire emergency, and you CAN handle it......
Then handle it.
You may think that it needs his attention, it will more than likely be viewed as pressure, and guilt.
Originally Posted By: PEImom_of_3
I very much want to reach this level of detachment but am at a loss as to how to get there from here. Any help you can provide on how to actually move towards that place would be appreciated. I find a lot talk about needing to detach but specifics on what works might be helpful.
Then read.....read all that you can about MLC....Absorb what you read, take the time to work on yourself, and be patient with yourself.
If you can be patient, and learn......Detachment just kinda happens.....
It is truly a state of mind.......and a very peaceful one at that.....
