Yes, so true, BND. I really feel I am getting back to the point where the irony is not quite so acutely cutting and I can actually laugh at the insanity of it all again.
If I stop and think about it, it wasn't that long ago I was still trying to adapt to this insane situation, trying to gain my footing after having been floored. But three years ago at this time it was far worse -- I was drowning in the deep dark abyss of depression, without a clue as to the true cause. Now,... she is so strange/estranged from me... her insanity is no longer a part of me. And I can actually enjoy life from time to time again. Laugh even.
Been reflecting on a weird convo with the xMIL yesterday.
She began referring to the subject matter of the email her D (xW)) sent me a few days ago. Recap: xW was again trying to reiterate to me she was going ahead and ceasing payments to daycare and after-school care providers for the weeks I have custody of our S's. xW just wants to cover her own weeks, but still wants me to utilize her mother's "services" for that part of the childcare,as well as everything else during my time. Basically, I would be paying for half of xMIL's monthly fee directly, were I to go along with that.
Well, yesterday, when I was picking the boys up from xMIL's place after work, the (evil) xMIL was trying to engage me in conversation, beginning with minor small talk and then escalating to asking me about where I stood with regards to xW's change to our child support plans. xMIL began trying to (not-so) subtly to persuade me that her being a provider of after-school care for my S's was more convenient and "cost-effective" than the alternatives, which she claimed to have investigated. (Inside I was both annoyed, since I don't like to engage in any meaningful conversation with this person, and also laughing at the pettiness of her approaching me in such a self-serving manner.)
The other thing that bothered me about xMIL was that this conversation was right in front of my S's. I was not prepared to give her any sort of answer at this early stage, and certainly not in front of my S's. I tried to coyly deflect her onto allowing us to end the convo for now and addressing it later. She even started to sing some pity card song about needing to know because if she couldn't count on my paying her my half of her fees, she would be unable to pay for her apartment and thus be forced to seek assisted-living accommodations. (boo hoo.)
I flat out told her I was simply unprepared to even talk about it until I had completed talking with my L to make sure I wouldn't be shooting myself in the foot. xMIL then tried to offer arguments about her D's custody agreement with me, as if she were her legal counsel or something. At that point, I courteously closed the conversation and moved my S's out her door.
The nerve! Her welfare is none of my concern any more, if it ever was. Her D is the one changing things up and if xMIL is worried about that jeopardizing her cushy arrangement, which she has enjoyed at my expense all along, I cannot concern myself. I have not made my decision yet, one way or the other, and I am not going to be brow-beaten by parties who have vested interests.
I am trying hard not to be a vindictive person. Seriously, I'm not. xW and her mother have been making themselves very comfortable eating my own lunch for many years now. But I will make my plans for my S's based not on their needs or wishes or desires, but on what I deem is best for my S's.
I will be leaving in a minute now to go and pick my S's up today from xMIL's place -- and I can bet there will be more of the hard-sell from her again. Sheesh.
I think a lot of this kind of stuff would be avoided if you do get your own caregiver. You should have a good relationship with your boys' caregiver, and I don't think that's possible with your xmil...Unless she was the best caregiver ever with the best price; I would look elsewhere...
xW was again trying to reiterate to me she was going ahead and ceasing payments to daycare and after-school care providers for the weeks I have custody of our S's. xW just wants to cover her own weeks, but still wants me to utilize her mother's "services" for that part of the childcare,as well as everything else during my time. Basically, I would be paying for half of xMIL's monthly fee directly, were I to go along with that.
You need to check into all of it. I know that when childcare was being figured in my settlement, childcare was a factor. If I was paying for childcare that would have increased the child support. If you are taking over some of the responsibility for childcare then your child support should decrease....and you have the right to choose the childcare provider!
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She even started to sing some pity card song about needing to know because if she couldn't count on my paying her my half of her fees, she would be unable to pay for her apartment and thus be forced to seek assisted-living accommodations. (boo hoo.)
Wow, she is really a piece of work!!! How did you not laugh?!
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
A lot of self control, I guess. It felt good to have kept a lid on my reaction. That's a win for me, I suppose.
Then again, I wish I could have maintained that composure with xW this very morning. She called me during my drive into work today and began to accuse me of negligence for failing to pay for S9's upcoming field trip, the fee for which is due today. She pushed all my buttons and still managed to keep her own cool -- which tells me this was all precalculated on her part. At the same time she lauded herself and how she "always" handles these secretarial functions on behalf of our S's. She accused me of ignoring the note from the school about the trip, which I hadn't received, but she insisted I had. I contend that her mother withholds selected messages when the boys are at the xMIL's place for afters-chool care. xW rejected this and laid it entirely on my negligence, saying the note was "undoubtedly" somewhere at my residence. I ultimately snapped at her when she started into her old saw about me being irresponsible and failing to take care of my S's needs. I let it get to me and told her, "Oh, shut up!" I was definitely riled by that point and told her I did not have to take such snide remarks from her anymore.
I wish I could have held my temper, as that means I lost that little skirmish with her. I am working on this. She's still the one person on earth who still illicits such strong reactions within me.
I made the mistake of thinking that her calling me at that time might have been urgent, like something serious concerning the kids. But even if it were, I need to filter her calls and just let her go to voicemail. From now on. Whatever the consequences.
Uuuugh! It's been a while now since we last crossed swords like that, so I forgot how she enjoys sandbagging you when you least expect it.
