Yeah what they said, except let me be a bit less gracious --
"BBJ, that's why I feel so bad about posting here, I don't want to rub salt in wounds, but unlike K and Ali, my situation isn't reconciling, it doesn't even feel like a R. It's more like roomates with benefits - at least on his side.......for now. We have history and we're repeating it. That probably isn't good since it ended the way it did. That's why I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. We've circled back to comfortable and boring. I don't feel I should push it, I don't speak my feelings because that would be pushy. I feel like I walk on eggshells making sure that I do everything the "right" way, but I don't really know what the right way is because he doesn't tell me what he does and doesn't like. It's painful, all day, every day with little snippets of great thrown in the middle to keep the pain from overwhelming me.
Not healthy. Not one bit. So........I'm starting to miss my alone, quiet time in the evening reading."
(1) This is all crap.
(2) This is all you.
Gabe has done NOTHING to suggest it is a FWB relationship. On the contrary, he rejected that interpretation and was hurt by it. Yet, you keep painting him with it and then feeling like crap because of how YOUR picture of him looks. This is YOUR doing and there isn't a damn thing he can do about it. Give him a chance to be a decent guy in your own head.
You are certainly repeating history with the family crap. You KNOW Gabe does not enjoy the family stuff. WHY would you want him to insist he participate in it? From here, Gabe has been there for you a WHOLE HELLUVA LOT MORE than anyone in your family. Yet, you feel slighted by HIM? BULL. He can support you without going to all the family stuff. I think the REAL problem is that YOU are worried about what your family thinks. Time to work on co-dependence issues within your family.
"I don't feel I should push it, I don't speak my feelings because that would be pushy. I feel like I walk on eggshells making sure that I do everything the "right" way""
BLAHBLAHBLAH. Martyr crap. BS. Can't even say anything useful about this poor-little-victim crap you seem to dress yourself in far too often.
"I don't really know what the right way is because he doesn't tell me what he does and doesn't like"
Co-dependence stuff. The right way is what really works for you. If it doesn't work for him, so be it. Quit trying to be/act in ways simply because you *think* they'd please him. This is annoying to no end, BTW, I can tell you having been on the receiving end. Be your own person. Being with a shell of a person whose existence/actions are contingent on what that person thinks will please you is NOT being with a full person, a lover, or a partner. It is like trying to have a relationship with a distorted, passive-aggressive, pouty mirror. NOT good. The reason your days are painful is because you are trying to be that unfortunate mirror. STOP IT. No one enjoys you acting that way. Not you. Not Marc. Not Gabe. Not me (lol).
Express your feelings directly whenever you want, but preferable before you get into blurt and accuse mode. REPORT your feelings simply. Don't make assumptions about Gabe. Don't play games with him.
"It's painful, all day, every day with little snippets of great thrown in the middle to keep the pain from overwhelming me."
Really. So why live like that? No one is coercing you. Change it. Or, change you. Stop all the poor-little-me-pathetic-unworthy-being-who-doesn't-deserve-to-breathe-or-have-thoughts-or-feelings crap. Be responsible for your own happiness.
And, WTF. Are you incapable of saying: "Hey, I'm gonna go hibernate and read for a bit..."
Really, you have to see, this is ALL you. The good news is, this means YOU really do have control over it. The bad news is, if you don't get a handle on it, your life will stop moving in a positive direction and go in a negative direction.
Go see a shrink, join a co-dependents group, stop trying to be a mirror and be your own shiny person.
