Nothing fits

[ClingingToHope]

The family thing is touchy. My STBXW is really tight with her mom and her younger sister. They are both crazy and STBXW would complain about them all the time ... but if I chimed in then she'd ask why I'm always attacking them.

I will say I was way tougher on them than I needed to be. Perhaps it goes back to my parents divorce and the fact my family wasn't that close.

I didn't realize that when I married STBXW that meant I married her family -- warts and all. I definitely wasn't loving unconditionally.

I didn't embrace the role they wanted me to play in the family until it was too late.

That being said. I'm enjoying not having to bail them out all the time. This is a family that doesn't know how to rub two nickles together.

With Gabe. It's touchier. There's still no clear direction between you two so it's tough to set down a rule.

Truthfully, if he's not comfortable being around them then let it slide. As long as he's there for important stuff -- things where the family has to band together -- then that should be enough.

[mishka422]

Well, let's see.

My uncle died. I could have used his support. Nope. Now, mind you, this is the man that stood up and gave me away at our wedding. He was nearly as close to me as my own dad but Gabe couldn't be at the funeral because that involved my whole family and he can't face them. I decided to put that away and not let it eat at me though.

Gabe knew my family pretty well before we married. He knew exactly how close we all were and how there are no secrets. We're all supportive of each other and will defend each other to the bitter end. I have a feeling it's the defending each other he's afraid of. He knows that they are not hostile people, but Gabe can take physical hostility better than verbal and non-verbal.

Like you said though, there is no clear direction between us so I don't expect him to join in, I just hope that sometime soon, he will.

[mishka422]

Happy Wednesday.....feels like another Monday....UGH. I definitely have a 'case of the Monday's'! LOL! Now where's my red stapler? That one's for you BBJ!

Work is a little nuts. My coworker is on vacation this week so the bulk of the work gets shifted to me which just makes for very crazy days. Right this minute is a little slower because everyone else is at lunch.

Nothing else really going on. Most days I just feel like I'm waiting for that proverbial other shoe to drop. I'm not sure how much longer I can live with this...well, not uncertainty because we're all uncertain about what comes next....but more like a lack of direction. I had a vision in my head of circling a drain. I don't want that thinking! Going down a dran is bad. How about just being on a merry-go-round. Circling, having fun, but going nowhere. That's about right.

I feel like I need to make some sort of change, but I don't know where to start with deciding what to change. I'm going to need to think on it further.

[BobbiJo]

I would say, at this point, just try to enjoy the ride! It is hard, but maybe don't focus on the destination??

I would like to have your situation, or Ali's, or Kalni's. All are different from each other, but all have their own type of success as well. I miss having someone to snuggle up in bed with. And even more so having that someone be a person with whom I share a history, someone who gets those inside jokes and obscure references that no one else understands...

On that note, my red stapler? It's a swingline...

[mishka422]

LOL!! I actually have a swingline on my desk but, alas, it's beige. BORING!!! I really want a red one to cradle protectively.

BBJ, that's why I feel so bad about posting here, I don't want to rub salt in wounds, but unlike K and Ali, my situation isn't reconciling, it doesn't even feel like a R. It's more like roomates with benefits - at least on his side.......for now. We have history and we're repeating it. That probably isn't good since it ended the way it did. That's why I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. We've circled back to comfortable and boring. I don't feel I should push it, I don't speak my feelings because that would be pushy. I feel like I walk on eggshells making sure that I do everything the "right" way, but I don't really know what the right way is because he doesn't tell me what he does and doesn't like. It's painful, all day, every day with little snippets of great thrown in the middle to keep the pain from overwhelming me.

Not healthy. Not one bit. So........I'm starting to miss my alone, quiet time in the evening reading.

[MichelleLT]

Honey, change it up.

First, stop making assumptions. The last time you told him you thought he was treating this like FWB he was upset. So quit making assumptions.

You can talk to him without being co-dependent and clingy and pushy. We've all been learning better ways to communicate, so use them.

And if you want time to read, say so. Tell him, I really need some alone time tonight. I am going to read my book for a few hours, talk to you later.

Carve out some alone time and personal space. We all need that.

[kat727]

No reason to do a replay of before. Things can get better, be better...be hotter! Make time for just you and allow him the same.

I was thinking about the family thing, some people don't enjoy it. Why make him go? Just let it be clear that you will be going and then go have an awesome time. You both would be miserable if he went and you know it.

You are an awesome lady and he is finding that out each and every day.

love ya, kat

[AliSuddenly]

"We have history and we're repeating it. That probably isn't good since it ended the way it did. That's why I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. We've circled back to comfortable and boring."

Hi Mish!.. I really worked hard on my 180's when bf was gone. And that was also for me, because I wasnt happy being that fearful closed off person (never going to a bbq unless high summer, in case I caught a chill, for example!!!).. and so the 180's became changes and a new me.

When he came back, I constantly checked myself, daily, hour by hour, not to fall back into old patterns (to be fair, bf talked about the new him too and all the things he had learnt). Pre-bomb, I never used to wake up with him, forcing him to creep around so as not to wake me. Now, we wake early together every day and have tea and chats in bed. The old me would never have believed it! BUT, I do it for me and I do it for our R, as he prefers to have breakfast with me and it means we start the day together.

This and many other examples. You have to figure out what about YOUR behaviour/habits/reactions you dont like or arent helping your R and work on changing that. Work out what kind of R/what kind of partner you wish to be to Gabe. Then.. well as for him, men can take a little training up right

But you already said he seemed to be more giving and helpful than he used to be??

Like Michelle says, shake things up.. Also I agree with Kat..you have a large family and maybe he's just not into it? You could respect his not wanting to be involved in the same way you expect him to respect you wanting him to be involved, if you get my drift. You just need to arrive at a compromise maybe? I think its amazing you are back together but I hate to see you beat yourself up so much.
Al xxx

[oldtimer]

Yeah what they said, except let me be a bit less gracious --

"BBJ, that's why I feel so bad about posting here, I don't want to rub salt in wounds, but unlike K and Ali, my situation isn't reconciling, it doesn't even feel like a R. It's more like roomates with benefits - at least on his side.......for now. We have history and we're repeating it. That probably isn't good since it ended the way it did. That's why I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. We've circled back to comfortable and boring. I don't feel I should push it, I don't speak my feelings because that would be pushy. I feel like I walk on eggshells making sure that I do everything the "right" way, but I don't really know what the right way is because he doesn't tell me what he does and doesn't like. It's painful, all day, every day with little snippets of great thrown in the middle to keep the pain from overwhelming me.

Not healthy. Not one bit. So........I'm starting to miss my alone, quiet time in the evening reading."

(1) This is all crap.

(2) This is all you.

Gabe has done NOTHING to suggest it is a FWB relationship. On the contrary, he rejected that interpretation and was hurt by it. Yet, you keep painting him with it and then feeling like crap because of how YOUR picture of him looks. This is YOUR doing and there isn't a damn thing he can do about it. Give him a chance to be a decent guy in your own head.

You are certainly repeating history with the family crap. You KNOW Gabe does not enjoy the family stuff. WHY would you want him to insist he participate in it? From here, Gabe has been there for you a WHOLE HELLUVA LOT MORE than anyone in your family. Yet, you feel slighted by HIM? BULL. He can support you without going to all the family stuff. I think the REAL problem is that YOU are worried about what your family thinks. Time to work on co-dependence issues within your family.

"I don't feel I should push it, I don't speak my feelings because that would be pushy. I feel like I walk on eggshells making sure that I do everything the "right" way""

BLAHBLAHBLAH. Martyr crap. BS. Can't even say anything useful about this poor-little-victim crap you seem to dress yourself in far too often.

"I don't really know what the right way is because he doesn't tell me what he does and doesn't like"

Co-dependence stuff. The right way is what really works for you. If it doesn't work for him, so be it. Quit trying to be/act in ways simply because you *think* they'd please him. This is annoying to no end, BTW, I can tell you having been on the receiving end. Be your own person. Being with a shell of a person whose existence/actions are contingent on what that person thinks will please you is NOT being with a full person, a lover, or a partner. It is like trying to have a relationship with a distorted, passive-aggressive, pouty mirror. NOT good. The reason your days are painful is because you are trying to be that unfortunate mirror. STOP IT. No one enjoys you acting that way. Not you. Not Marc. Not Gabe. Not me (lol).

Express your feelings directly whenever you want, but preferable before you get into blurt and accuse mode. REPORT your feelings simply. Don't make assumptions about Gabe. Don't play games with him.

"It's painful, all day, every day with little snippets of great thrown in the middle to keep the pain from overwhelming me."

Really. So why live like that? No one is coercing you. Change it. Or, change you. Stop all the poor-little-me-pathetic-unworthy-being-who-doesn't-deserve-to-breathe-or-have-thoughts-or-feelings crap. Be responsible for your own happiness.

And, WTF. Are you incapable of saying: "Hey, I'm gonna go hibernate and read for a bit..."

Really, you have to see, this is ALL you. The good news is, this means YOU really do have control over it. The bad news is, if you don't get a handle on it, your life will stop moving in a positive direction and go in a negative direction.

Go see a shrink, join a co-dependents group, stop trying to be a mirror and be your own shiny person.

[mishka422]

stop trying to be a mirror and be your own shiny person.

OMG OT!!! I love that one! I just wrote it on a post it and stuck it to my computer screen.

You are so good at cutting to the bottom and giving it to me straight. In my own head, what I'm saying doesn't sound like martyr crap but when you point it out so succinctly, it totally is! Believe me, I know this is all me. It's my warped perception of things. Just because Gabe can't put a voice to his feelings doesn't mean they don't exist. I've been carefully watching his actions and attitudes (as my counselor suggested) instead of listening for words and it is reassuring.

Why do I assume he's just going to up and leave? I guess it's just history that created fear. He left me 3 times in less than 4 months and each time he proclaimed that he wanted our R, wanted our family. This time he came for convenience and stayed. Maybe I would feel differently if he had come back to me, for me, instead of just because the broom kicked him out. I'll never know. All that can be done now is to make the best of the situation which is what I do.

Now....change it up. Hmmm.....well........

I have changed a few behaviors. I go to bed when he does. I never, ever, reject an opportunity for ML when offered. I don't turn down opportunities to go out with my friends or to a party just because he wouldn't like me to go. As far as speaking my mind, well, I think I did that too readily in the past so I just keep my mouth shut now unless it's something of extreme importance.

I don't, and never did, force him to go to my family events. When we were M'd he wouldn't show up - even after saying he would drop by - and that bothered me immensely. Again, it just always seemed so strange to me especially since my family loved him so much. Whatever. Like I said, it's his loss.

And why don't I just tell him I'm going to read for a while? He always hated it. It drove him crazy that I would read for 2 hours instead of sitting on the couch on the other side of the room from him mindlessly watching TV (make that channel surfing and never really watching anything)but still not interacting at all.

What would I like to see happen next with us?

I'd like for Gabe to ask me to go out with him for a date night. Yes, I said it, a date. It's not realistic since he works 7 days a week and all of those are evenings. I know not to expect it, but that doesn't stop me from wishing does it?