Won't leave OW

[Puppy Dog Tails]

so MC was very confusing. He agreed to give up the A and want to recommit to the M, but doesn't want to spend time together yet.

In what way is that (not spending any time together) a "re-commitment" to the marriage??

100% AGREE with Allen on the transparency thing. Mandatory.

Puppy

[Allen A]

He may have just wanted some withdrawal time, but I doubt he is planning for that... I suspect if there was no transparency agreement that he's gonig to try going underground... Addicts are so predictable...

[marie2235]

I agree - great perspective - awesome post. I have been going back and forth about briging up/confronting H about his A again, but in the DB'ing books, it seems like it doesn't really encourage that. Every time I do- he denies it. Maybe this is the way to go. I don't want to push him away and twoards her. Though, it's crazy, because he is the one doing something wrong.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I agree - great perspective - awesome post. I have been going back and forth about briging up/confronting H about his A again, but in the DB'ing books, it seems like it doesn't really encourage that. Every time I do- he denies it. Maybe this is the way to go. I don't want to push him away and twoards her. Though, it's crazy, because he is the one doing something wrong.

Marie,

One should ONLY confront a cheating spouse with a shock-and-awe arsenal of UNDENIABLE PROOF. Anything less, and you're just badgering them, accusing, and coming across as controlling. It's best to gather all of your intel, and then confront with a "I know all about you and _______, and it needs to stop -- now. It's incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage, and to our family" speech. When they demand to see what it is you know, you DON'T reveal the source(s) of your intel, only that you absolutely have proof, and you WILL use it, if you have to.

In my opinion, in order, it's best to:

1. Confront as outlined above, with absolute proof.

2. Don't confront at all -- just assume they ARE having an affair, and proceed accordingly.

3. Confront haphazardly, with marginal proof, and basically ASK them if they're cheating on you (which they will only deny).

4. Don't confront at all, and assume that they are trustworthy, and not cheating.

Sadly, most people do some combination of 3 and 4, when only 1 or 2 will have any prayer of working.

Puppy

[newmama]

marie pleeeeeeease listen to Puppy! I wish I had the knowledge he is giving you way back when.

I remember wanting to "trust" and resented being a babysitter of sorts by demanding he was trandsparent and "spying" on him to double check his facts. I thought "if he truly wants to reconcile then he won't stay in contact with her. If not, then I don't want him."

yeah right--I did not know that an affair is an addiction! If I did, I would have felt like demanding transparency and snooping was helping him to quit his addiction!

Help your H by being tough- help him quit his addiction!

[marie2235]

THANK YOU, Puppy. Awesome advice. Wish I knew that 6 months ago. I did more like #3, but with some #1 thrown in. I had pages and pages of HER posts on Facebook, talking about what they do together, places they went, etc. I also had a lot of info from his co workers and cards from her to him. BUT, nothing directly from him to her. He isn't as stupid as she is. Though, after having a nice weekend away together recently - we stopped at a rest area at 1 am and I heard him on the phone with her telling her he loved her. Immediate confrontation. Immediate denial. and I HEARD it with my own two ears. He said I made it up in my imagination, after he tried to say he was listening to his voice mail.

So, I don't know if its too late for #1 - sounds like I have kind of done that. I do know I am sick of this and can't take much more of it. Not to mention I am still in partial denial. I wonder how much of it is an EA affair, maybe not with the rest of it. Everyone tells me, no way.

newmamma - I never thought of it as an addiction - but, you are right- he is addicted to whatever 'fun' he gets out of being with a kid half his age. I tried to get him to do the things we used to do together when we first met and the things we were doing when we fell in love, but he wants no part of it. Doesn't want to go out or do anything with me.Basically, I can't figure out a way to get him to want to be with me and not with her.

Puppy, thank you very much - you have fantastic insight that makes me think and see things differently. I have to think a lot more carefully before I do or say anything. I wish I did have something he cant deny - I don't know what that would be, other than pictures. My kids and I have even seen them together in his car - twice and he said, I was just giving her a ride to town. He has an excuse for everything. I guess it will have to come down to stop or get out. I know there is no furure with her - she has no job, no car, lives with her grandfather, wants to 'grow up and get married and have kids someday', where he is done with all that. I wish he could see it that way.

I know I am being really stupid. I just keep thinking, I have been with this man for almost 20 years - that man he used to be has got to be there somewhere. Though, he is a selfish jerk. I had to go see a surgeon recently, because I have to have surgery and he was complaning that i aksed him to go with me, becuase it messed up his work day. I must have really poor self esteem to let someone treat me like this. My head knows it - I am not stupid. I even aggrevate myself.

Sorry for rambling on. Thank you again.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Marie,

You have more than enough.

Puppy

[TimeHeals]

I heard him on the phone with her telling her he loved her. Immediate confrontation. Immediate denial. and I HEARD it with my own two ears.

wish I did have something he cant deny

Apparently he's going to gaslight you into not trusting your own ears. This is just crazy. Puppy is right: you have enough.

[marie2235]

So..this is probably a stupid question, but..what do I do? Keeping in mind I want to save my marraige and he has no interest in me or it. Or, very little, anyway.

Do I tell him stop what he is doing or leave? Or do I pretend it isn't happening and hope that it run it's course soon. I keep thinking - this is a KID - 19 years old. Even if he doesn't want to end it, maybe she will.

Thanks!

[TimeHeals]

Or do I pretend it isn't happening and hope that it run it's course soon.

If there are no consequences, how do you know it will not happen again with somebody else?

I think you have many questions you need to answer for yourself.