Yesterday morning I logged into a buy/sell/trade website and it tried to load a page of rental houses and motorcycles that H had obviously been looking at. Noticed the name of the community on one of the house ads and it's about an hour away - struck me as odd but didn't think much about the location. Rather than stew in it (last time H told me he found a place he blindsided me!) I decided just to ask him in a non accusatory way when he landed to pick up the boys. So I did, he was not defensive, said that it was an old habit, he surfs through the site looking for a motorcycle and No, he does not have any plans or intentions of getting his own place at this time. I thanked him for being honest and non-defensive.
He took the boys and headed for work. After he left, I hit redial on the phone (thinking I was dialing my sister to make afterschool arrangements) and OWs number came up on the display. Of course this triggered my insecurity again. Anyway, I put D6 on the bus and then called him when I got to work (stupid I know). I told him that I saw her # on the phone and he said that he still chatted with her every once in a while. I started to say something and he said "Hey, do you want to have lunch?" and I said "We don't need to talk about this if you don't want to" and he said "but we do need to talk". So I agreed to lunch.
I decided to play it cool at lunch, keep it light and not bring up anything. We were chatting and getting along well. About 1/2 way through he asked me "so how are you doing now?" to which I replied "I'm good." I also went on to tell him that I recognized that before (even pre bomb) he would have either stayed on the phone (he was at work) and listened to me and gotten pissed off or he would have said he couldn't talk and hung up and I would have gotten pissed off. I appreciated that he found a way to meet both of our needs and be respectful of what we both needed. We talked about it a bit and he tells me that he called her to tell her about the rental since he knew she was looking and it was in her general area. He said that they talk but it's just conversation, and he does not talk to her about us or our M.
Anyway to make a long story short(ish!) we turned the conversation around, chatted a bit, I told him I was proud of him for what he taken on so far and that I appreciated not having all of the responsibility any more.
Last night S2 gave himself a black eye and then banged his head on the wall when he got into bed. I didn't have any tylenol for him and he was pretty upset so I figured he might have a headache or be hurting. I knew that H was gone up to his parents for supper (about an hour away) but I called his cell and left a message that just said if he was back in this neck of the woods would he mind coming over so I could go to town and get some meds for S2. That was 8pm. I didn't hear from him, figured maybe he'd been out for a run, S2 was still fussy so I tried him at 9pm too. No answer. S2 settled finally but then woke crying at 11pm so I tried H one last time and didn't bother to leave a message when he didn't answer. By this time I'm upset because S2s father is unreachable and I could use some help, but my insecurities are taking hold again because his parents are the type to go to bed early and OW lives somewhere in that general area.
This morning when he lands to pick up the boys I was rather cool to him. He asks how was your evening and I said fine, how was yours? He said good - and I made the mistake of saying "must have been". Of course he says "what do you mean?" and I say that I left him a message asking for help and he didn't respond. He said he didn't notice he had messages until this morning. Then I say ... and here's the nail in the coffin ... "what am I supposed to think when I see her number on the phone and then you become unreachable for an entire evening when I need something kid related and I know you're in that neck of the woods?" He gets defensive, says something along the lines of "I wish you would just not think about it". I say that it's H that wants me to trust him, H that broke that trust, but H won't give an inch in helping rebuild that trust. At this point he says "but I'm not working on us, I'm working on me" and I say "I know. And you are accomplishing great things. I just need you to know that without your help the trust and insecurity issues are going to be harder for me to work through."
Anyway ... we turned it around, got the boys ready and they headed out the door ... I did ask one final question "Did you visit her last night?" to which he, non-defensively replied "No. I don't even know where she's living." I kissed the boys and said have a good day ... then said to H "have a great day" and he replied "you too".
Oh yeah, and he asked this morning when our session with MC was, he said he knew it was a Thursday but wasn't sure if it was today or next week ... I said next week, but sometimes the MC moves them around ...
Ok ... lemme have it ....
I know I need to detach, and I just posted some questions to Mach1 on another thread about HOW to actually do that. From what I see above ... in order to meet his needs right now I need to BACK WAY OFF, forget about OW, etc ... I'm just not sure on how to do that. How do I get to that place? I thought I was on my way but after my behaviour last night and this morning I'm questioning that! I miss him. I miss our friendship. I miss him physically and sexually. And it hurts like hell that he doesn't miss me. I guess I'm still in a place where I'm afraid to go dim because I don't want to think about the major what if ... what if he doesn't miss me then either?
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
