Can it be...a MLC??

[PEI]

Sorry for the hijack but I figure stillt will benefit from the answers too ... feel free to come post on my thread instead, if that's more appropriate ... thanks!

Stop all of that, and watch the relationship get better.

Stop all of that working. Allow and accept, one hundred percent, whatever your mate thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.

It's perfectly okay.

I get that this is detachment ... but I guess I'm struggling with how ... I thought I was doing better with detachment but then I wonder how do I accept, one hundred percent, some of his actions and words? How do they not make me sad or hurt? Even if I understand where they are coming from, how do I fully, 100% get OK with them?

And watch them improve themselves.

Their negative feelings towards you will weaken rapidly, because their negative feeling needs something in you to fight with. And when you sincerely see what's on their side, when you sincerely agree with them, and when you lovingly and sincerely go one hundred percent totally, instantly, and happily your mate's way, when you do that there's nothing for their negative feeling to build on.

You have put the white flag up.

You've thrown your gun down.

That forces them to do the same thing. They cannot shoot you when you have no gun. When you're not defending yourself, THEY want to defend you.

It's not normal to not defend yourself, but it is healthy.

Agree with them.

Do not disagree at all.

It's not to your advantage.
....Her negative or his negative attitudes towards you are being supported by you communicating what you want.

Every time you say to them, "But, I love you," you are saying, "but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don't really care what you want. It's what I want that's important."

Again .... how? I get it in theory, but in reality how do you agree with someone without resentment building over the fact that now only THEIR needs are important. It seems like it can only be one or the other, and since the needs are opposite I suppose that's true ... but didn't my H's resentment build out of him not getting his needs met? How do I avoid having the same thing happen?

We have kids ... what about their needs and rights?

Lots of times men tell their wives, "I've changed. I've changed. Let's get back together. I've changed."

I tell the husbands that "Every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're communicating to her that you have not changed."

"Really? Why is that? How is that? I don't understand that."

"Of course, you don't understand. But what's your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you've changed? What's your purpose? Isn't it to get your way?"

"Yeah, I want her back."

"That's your way. It's not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're saying, 'Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don't give a hoot what you want."

And subconsciously, she says, "He hasn't changed. He's still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There's no way I'm going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way."

I very much want to reach this level of detachment but am at a loss as to how to get there from here. Any help you can provide on how to actually move towards that place would be appreciated. I find a lot talk about needing to detach but specifics on what works might be helpful.