Marked&Healed Thanks for your insight and advice. I will certainly keep the light in the window.
H is visitng tomorrow to see the children and take them out for lunch. As he is coming in the day I will be at work so won't see him.
This doesn't sadden me anymore. Previously I would have been devastated if he was home and I hadn't seen him. Detachment is holding at the moment.
Next week when he is on holiday at a place I am extremely fond of will be difficult. I am aware of this so hopefully can sidestep any emotional fall out.
A previous post in this thread mentions that the MLCer first resumes conatact with family, then friends, then LBS. Did I understand that correctly?
My situation seems to have many similarities to this thread. I suppose it's just so common...
Take care and thanks
M--14 years T--20 years, HS sweethearts dday #1--2002 EA dday #2--2005 bar sl*t dday #3/4--Feb 2010 texting/cell/physical/who knows what Shortly after found out he had been injecting steroids for 2 years
Hmm how does that generally work with mutual friends and/or if the LBS is very close to MLCer's family? At his worst my H only talked to me. Now increasing (sometimes) w/ me and family but nothing with friends.
I find it hard to understand why it's good to treat them like a "friend" if part of my long-term problem is that my H has said we're too much "friends" and not enough "lovers".
Thanks!
M--14 years T--20 years, HS sweethearts dday #1--2002 EA dday #2--2005 bar sl*t dday #3/4--Feb 2010 texting/cell/physical/who knows what Shortly after found out he had been injecting steroids for 2 years
There are not black and white rules to this. If you feel that it's true that you guys are enough friends and not enough lovers, then seduce him. No, maybe not right now, but you can visually allure him now just by taking care of yourself. What attracted him to you in the beginning? I know with my H it was my smile and my legs, which are now covered under another 40 pounds of blubber that have to be removed... so, how about you? Something physical? Your laugh, your hair, your eyes?
In any case, don't get stuck on "this is the way to DB and that's what I must do." DBing is all about doing what works. Try something new and give it time to see if it works. If it doesn't, try something else. Just remember that in MLC fog, nothing much will "work." However, you can, I'm sure, see if he is attracted to you again, even in MLC fog.
My H said to me "It's not like I'm not still attracted to you," with a wistful sound to his voice. I know he misses me and that attraction, but right now, he feels he has to be faithful to OW. I guess it's a good thing that he's a serial monogamist, but it doesn't make me feel better. LOL. Find what works and do that. Right now, what works will be whatever makes you happy and gives you confidence, which makes you good plus is an attractive force for H.
H came today but I didn't see him as I was at work.
One interesting scenario from today was H took S16 and 13 bowling. He told them he would give them money per strike. Unfortunately 16 got two strikes and 13 got none!
It sounds as if H 18 year old came out to play with my S as H would never do that.
Do the children still appear when the MLCer is in depression and some withdrawal?
It can be all mixed up, there are no fast rules about that. Depression is seen throughout the crisis, whenever things get to be too much for them, so yes, you can see the children at the same time as depression.
Libby, In crisis, there is not set stage 1, 2, 3 4, or 5. They bounce back and forth in many of the stages, especially replay/depression/withdrawal and yes, even some in acceptance. I would suggest that you go back and re-read the stages just to have a better understanding of what can occur, but do not look for your h to do exactly as HB's h did. Each person is very different in crisis.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderley I read the stages frequently to try and understand. I get more confused after I have read them I find Jim Conways book more helpful as it talks about the movement backwards and forwards but each time getting nearer the end of the tunnel.
Mila I have a busy w/e. Going to visits D at Uni to move her from one house to anopther ready for next term
H has left today for his holiday where we spent many lovely times and our honeymoon. I know this makes me vulnerable emotionally so by acknowledging it I know I can side step any slip back onto the rollercoaster. I have no control over what he does so won't even give it head room. Boy it's hard though!!!!!
Hope you have a great weekend