Re-Connecting

[DaddyLongShanks]

Is it wise to spy?

If you want to know what's coming around the corner (or what's going on around the corner!), yes. She will NOT tell you.

Should I let nature take it's course and let her make all the moves.

You mean stand by and let her take your family down?

I feel so powerless right now and I don't want to walk on eggshells for months to come.

Then step up and take power back. Have you ever seen "Why Did I Get Married?" It's a Tyler Perry movie. Never thought I'd like a Tyler Perry movie but I watched this on cable just yesterday and I'll be damned if that guy is not dead on RIGHT about how men need insist on some things in the relationship to regain balance and fairness. Watch it!
Greek

Insist and they say no and then what?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

And then you enforce your boundaries, via what your stated consequences were.

Puppy

[Fightingforher]

It's funny you say that she has actually challanged me to snoop and look. In her past relationship she had a guy who had a PA. She said it consumed her and she knows what i'm going through. She said if i can't trust that it was nothing then to investigate.

I've searched and searched and even brought it up weeks later. I still have no proof that there is anything going on. I'll keep my radar on though.

[sandi2]

I calmly said that staying together for our son doesn't sound healthy.

My H was looking for too much too early from me also. If she is honest and if she's not having an A, then that is probably all she can do today......but a step forward every day will get you where you want to go.

She said that's all she can offer right now. Is this normal behavior????

It certainly was normal for me. I just could not pour myself into the MR and show what my H wanted to see. I had to have time. He had to be patient.

Is it healthy to stay in a loveless marriage for your child?

First of all, you must stop looking at it as a "loveless M". It has problems, yes.....and it will take time, yes.....but with you looking at it from the POV that it's loveless sounds like you are just thinking of yourself. I know you aren't...but that is how it would sound to her. If she is on the up & up here, then she feels that she's doing this for her son and the least you could do is begin with that much. She knows that is not what you "want" right now, but it would be better than just divorcing b/c she can't feel what you want her to feel, right? (Like I said, this is if she is really out of the EA.)

With the right help will can she regain that trust in me and fall back in love?

Yes, but you have to stop putting pressure on her. If you really become the man she fell for the first time, then it can happen again.

[Fightingforher]

Thanks Sandi2, this is great advice.....

I got home last night and I watched my son while W was at work. She kept sending me text messages asking if I'm ok. I keep my responses very generic wihout letting her know how I really feel. Based on all the feedback I've gotten I'm trying to be upbeat and shy away from the R talk.

She got home and we talked about her day and my day and went to bed. I'm hoping these are the right steps to start repairing my M if possible.

[Fightingforher]

I've finally committed to GAL.... I went out with a couple of my single friends last night and it was really uncomfortable. While they were making there moves, all I could do is think about my wife. They don't know about my situation so they certainly don't pressure me about anything.

Today my W and son and I went shopping for some things around the house. She constantly talks about "us" making upgrades to the house and painting, kitchen, etc...... She also is talking about later in the year visiting my sister in FL. I'm not sure how to respond to these comments, I just agree and smile and go on my merry way.

Still no affection coming my way.... I have been very subtle with the touching on my part, a touch here and there. I'm still staying positive though and not showing much emotion about our R. Not sure if anyone has any advice, just wanted to VENT.....

[Fightingforher]

I just wanted some advice on how to approach my wife about MC. We started going about 1.5 months ago and we had 1 session together. I went to the 2nd session by myself and now we have another one scheduled this Weds.

She just called me and said don't forget you have an appt on Weds. I'll be at work when you get home and her Mother will have our son until i get in.

She has agreed to go but I don't know what she is waiting for?? I'm not sure if I should push the subject or just go to these sessions for me. In time hopefully she will want to go???

[sandi2]

Was she saying that "she" would be at work when "you" got home? Is her manager working too?

BTW, did you ever kiss her like it was advised?

[Fightingforher]

She has told me that she scheduled herself because she doesn't feel comfortable with our MC. She said that she wanted to find another MC and she would go.

Matters have taken a turn for the worse in just a couple of hours. I got home from work and she was making us dinner. We sat down and while eating she was very distant and quiet. I asked her what was wrong and she said she didn't want to make me upset.

She then continued to tell me that she really wants a D and she thinks we should proceed. I told her if that is what she wants then I'll have to get on board. She immediately ran to the computer to look up information about our State laws, child support, etc.....

I just sat in the room with her and nodded my head and smiled.... Things got heated a bit as we talked about the house and what we would do with the arrangements of our son.

She told me that things can't be fixed in a couple of months. I told her that I've been the only one trying at this and if our marriage ends than I'll know that I gave it 100%. I'm not sure what to do now. She is so up and down, a minute ago we are talking about putting in a new Kitchen to D.

I told her that I can't do much more of this limbo so if D is what she wants then she needs to proceed and make her decision. We also talked about moving into separate bedrooms. I'm at such a loss right now, she said she thought planning future projects would put her in a better mood about us but she can't see us being romantic ever again.

I explained to her that I would be patient with that but things just got worse as the conversation progressed. How do you keep fighting for someone who doesn't want to be with you???

[Greek]

She then continued to tell me that she really wants a D and she thinks we should proceed.

This is your cue to give Mrs. F what she wants. Say "You know, Mrs. F, I have decided that you are correct. We should not be married a minute longer. Tomorrow I will retain a L who will contact you about how I will go forward with executing this plan."

what we would do with the arrangements of our son.

Nothing less than 50/50. Make sure you L communicates that and never backs off of it.

I told her that I can't do much more of this limbo so if D is what she wants then she needs to proceed and make her decision.

No sir. Take the helm. YOU will PROCEED and YOU HAVE DECIDED and YOU will get the ball rolling.

We also talked about moving into separate bedrooms.

You stay right where you are in the master bedroom. Let her take her jammies and slippers to another room. This is just the beginning of you helping her put on the BGP. If she doesn't want to share a room with you, then she can move.

How do you keep fighting for someone who doesn't want to be with you???

Great question. Answer: You don't. You take the lead on giving her what she wants - D! And watch the crazy REALLY start. She'll be nine kinds of p!ssed at you "What do you mean YOU are divorcing ME????" And that is your stage to demonstrate IN CONTROL, CONFIDENT, STRONG Fightingforher who can protect his family, make the calls and call the meeting to order.

Greek