reconciliation after divorce?

[FindingMyVoice]

AC needs to just enjoy his time away and stop dwelling on it. The W wants to live in misery, let her (IE - loving detachment).

You always know how to cut through the mustard dday! Exactly the point isn't it.

[any chance?]

But W is apparently not in misery. Enjoying time with OM and EA. Glad to be rid of me. Find it hard to see daylight through that one.

But, dd, I am following your drop the rope advise, wherever it takes me.

[FindingMyVoice]

Good Morning AC, we've still got a deal today.
PS Out in the field all day then cooking dinner for 20??! Holy cow what a way to keep your mind off your troubles!

[Abbey]

3. She dumps me, realizes down the road she made a mistake, and trys to reconcile

Note the commonalities. The chances of 3 are about a snowballs chance in hell, so why should I even try? At present, I am contemplating insisting on a D with immmediate financial separation the day I return late next week. I will also ask her to move out of the house that she just returned to when I left. This would be an abrupt change, to be sure. And it would be totally abandoning a deeply depressed woman I have been devoted to for 20 years. That is not the kind of guy I am. I am confused, and must be a moron.

AC...*hugs*

Nope not a moron... just fed up.

FWIW, I think number 3 will happen. That seems to happen more than you think.

Honestly... you've given yourself the best advice you can.

Kick her out.

Give her that dose of reality she so badly needs. What happens next ... is out of your control. Let it go. Down the road, you may want her back, you may not. But for now... neither YOU, nor her are in any place to work things out between you.

As I said to Mystik in her thread ... keep saying to yourself... "she/he's screwed in the head". Do not let yourself go down that cheese-less tunnel. Obsession over what she's doing with who, will only drive you crazy, not her.

As difficult as it is,... put her on a shelf. What happens once she gets her head on straight is for another day... you need to get "you" back, before you can ever deal with her. Push back hard now. Time for that big dose of reality she NEEDS. Once she's out of your hair/and you can stop obsessing about the OM,... THEN you can decide what's next for you.

My guess, like Mystik, she'll be back at some point. You need to decide what you'd do ... if that happens 4 months from now. Give yourself the space YOU need to decide that with a level head.

A few weeks isn't necessarily enough time to actually miss you. Play the odds here. The odds are that the OM isn't going to last. The odds are that she'll stop blaming you for her whole life in the toilet. The odds are, you will get another chance to decide if you want to go forward with her or not.

Don't push fate... it has a way of finding you.

Abbey

[any chance?]

Thank you very much for the thoughts, Abbey. You speak wise words. I am very much attempting to follow your advise.

I will be NC until I return home late next week. Shortly after that W is planning on filing for D. Whether she files or I do, the D will be put in motion within the next 2 weeks. Then it is 4 months until final. I need to drop the rope during that period, and take care of myself. There is no doubt I want her back, but she is not anywhere near the place where that can even remotely occur.

[TimeHeals]

There is no doubt I want her back

This is not your choice.

It is her choice whether or not to come back to you.

It is your choice whether or not to accept her back if she returns and under what conditions.

You need to shift the focus onto making your life better and living and loving your own life for now.

Once you love your own life again, you can think more clearly about your choices should the choice to accept her back arrive.

[dday101798]

I will be NC until I return home late next week.

And I HIGHLY recommend you remain that way. Be mysterious. If she appraches you at work, simply and business like state "if the subject matter you wish to discuss is NOT business related, it needn't be discussed here". Don't answer her calls, e-mails, text messages, smoke signals, and shoot the carrier peguin before it ever gets to your window.

Should the matter pertain to divorce, simply "confer with my attorney, that's what they are for".

And as Timeheals said, for pete's sake man, get out, live life, YOUR life. Not saying go bar hopping looking for a piece, just saying LIVE YOUR LIFE, you had one before her, and if it's not meant to be, you will have one again after her. But being a hermit and laying at her doorstep each and everynight for her to wipe her feet is no way to live.

[any chance?]

Thanks for your thoughts.

There is no doubt that the turmoil of the last 9 months has taken a serious toll on my psyche. I need to get my life back, and focus on myself. What is going to happen is going to happen, regardless of how painful it is. As Abbey says, maybe W will get her head on straight, maybe not. I will be there for her if she needs me, but that does not seem to be the case at this point.

I do wish we could put filing for D on hold, but I don't think that is going to be possible. Seems to be something the W needs and is clearly focused on. Everyone tells me to let her go and get a life, and that means letting her do what she wants with the D. Doesn't mean it is not sad.

[TimeHeals]

Everyone tells me to let her go and get a life, and that means letting her do what she wants with the D. Doesn't mean it is not sad.

No matter what you were going to do, you had to let her go and reclaim your own life.

When your head clears a little, maybe you--like me--need to do a little reading on setting healthy boundaries and maybe some books on healthy self-esteem.

Though I am guilty of this myself, I think you could have handled things better if you had never been afraid of divorce in the first place. If you had clear boundaries and didn't let fear take over, then this might have been an easier point to reach. I don't know that, but I suspect it.

I think when things settle down a bit and you can reflect on things more objectively, you can focus more on improving yourself and applying what you learned here.

Good luck, AC, and have a very good, relaxing weekend.

[any chance?]

Don't think the issue was fear of divorce for me. Big issue is getting blindsided last September, and never being given a chance to work on our M. Her mind was made up back then, IMO, and she is now moving forward with the plan she had in mind the whole time. My issue is a complete lack of understanding how a woman who I have been intertwined with for 19 years can just decide that I am not part of her life anymore, with no discussion or communication. Being cut out is what hurts, not the concept of D.