Looking for help with WAW

[CityGirl]

I think most of us can relate to feeling like our heart has been ripped out.

It is not that your W won't HEAR what you say/write, she will hear it just fine but right now, IMO of course, it will simply reinforce that she can treat you however she wants and you will still be there.

Your W has no reason to change anything. Why talk about the M when you will keep doing what she wants? And right now you are letting her call all the shots with the house, not holding her accountable for doing chores at the house and she is living her life without any responsibility. If she wants to move on that is fine but why are you enabling her to move forward without wrapping up her marriage?

You have not given your W any idea what it will be like when you are not around. And trust me, while she might not like it in theory she knows you are around.

You cannot force your W to talk about the R or M (obviously) but you an let her know that this will not continue unless the circumstances drastically change. If she is unwilling to participate in improvement then you will make the decision on your own and move on.

Think about it... you were depressed about your business and now you are depressed about your W. How many years does that make that were/are filled with depression? Take charge of your life.

Honestly, since your W is being so stubborn and refuses to communicate about *anything*, especially something as simple as running the vacuum, I would tell her in a firm manner it ends now.

Hi W!

As I told you last week I have decided to move back to the house therefore I will be taking the lead with the agent. If you desire, I will be happy to copy you on all messages and give you updates when applicable.

The agent's contract is ending soon. At that time I will decide if I will keep the house or leave it on the market. Once I have decided about the house I will have my attny forward you all necessary documentation.

You have not yet furnished me with a schedule on when you plan to follow through with your share of the upkeep on the house. When can I expect it to be done?

You need to show yourself and your W that you are making plans with or without her and if it comes down to "without" there will be very little consideration of her needs as you need to look out for #1 (that is you!).

You will be pleasant and polite but you will no longer allow her to disrupt your mind and heart as she has been doing for the past 7 months. Should she choose to step up and communicate with you in a mature fashion then perhaps you can loosen your stance a bit but until then, plan for the best life you can for you.

[mza8]

CityGirl, I can't argue with anything you said. You're right.

I like what you wrote to my W. That's a good way to say it. Would you suggest emailing that to her or leaving her a voice mail?

What else can I do to give her an idea of what it will be like when I'm not around. For over two months I haven't initiated any conact with her (other than the flowers). I simply respond to her emails. When you say she might not like it in theory, are you saying she doesn't like knowing I'm still around? Why would she think I'm still around though? I guess she just knows.

[CityGirl]

I think the house and moving forward with some sort of legal plan is the only thing you can do at this point to show her you are not around.

Most importantly you really need to start detaching and stop thinking of her all the time. You said yourself you were down all weekend thinking of her and you don't want to go out because of all the couples you see.

Until you internally start to detach not much will change even if the logistics of your life change (keeping the house, getting separated or divorced).

I would call your W and tell her instead of e-mailing.

Obviously I can't read your W's mind but what I meant was she knows you are around and wanting the M to work so she really can do what she likes (ex: not talking to you, ignoring you without any consequences when it comes to not doing her share). The person who cares least about the R controls it.

You stated the house is worth very little due to past financial problems. She is living in a very strange fantasy if she is waiting around for the house to sell so she can get a big fat check and go about her life.

It is odd to me that a 36yo would be living with her parents. That tells me that when the house sells she may move forward as that is the last thing to wrap up.

IMO you need to look at facts. She can't seem to communicate with you about house stuff or contribute to the upkeep (IOW she knows you will do it and she will have no consequences), she had a very strong reaction to the flowers, is using her maiden name and so on.

In the future if she wants to talk, well, you can decide then but it seems to me sitting around and taking the "wait and see" approach isn't what is best.

[mza8]

I saw W tonight at the gym. I went very late figuring she would be gone. Nope, she was there with her sister. I went to the other side again. I saw some of my friends there and we shot the breeze for awhile. I think W looked in my direction but I really didn't look too hard to see. I didn't much care.

Anyway, W and her sister finished their workout and came to my side and talked to some guy they must know. W and her sis didn't work out at all on my side, just talked to this guy. I thought it was pretty funny and very immature at the same time. Her sister looked like she initiated the conversation and my W joined in. I think they did it just to try to get under my skin. It was so petty. I was actually laughing at her to myself as it was so obvious what she was doing. She saw me talking to my friends and decided to come over and talk to this person (he had a wedding ring on so I didn't feel the slightest bit concerned). I overheard some of their conversation because they were so close. It was a harmless conversation between the three of them.

W acted all upbeat. Whatever. I can see through her so easily. She knew I would see this. It did appear to me though that her doing this little stunt seems to me that she is very angry with me. Sort of like she is trying to stick it to me. Kind of like her saying, "oh I'm fine, see me having a good time right in front of you?" She left and made sure she didn't look in my direction. She is being so immature about this whole thing it's not even funny.

[Steve McQueen]

To lift weights or not to lift weights, that is the question.

your behavior is juvenile, it is embarrassing, and it is destructive. you are at the gym for the wrong freaking reason. you should be there to defy gravity, push - pull combo sets, bend bars, grab anything heavy, what the hell are you there for listening to other people's conversations ...

NERD.

what i would do if i were you ...

Bench press supersetted with chins
Dumbbell inclines supersetted with dumbbell pullovers
Single cable crossover
Bentover barbell row
Seated lat row

some advice, IPOD

[mza8]

Umm, yeah, you got that wrong Steve, LOL. I did a lot of the workout you listed and other things. I usually workout with one of my friends but he wasn't there tonight. I go there to workout. Saw some friends and talked for a few minutes. Why do you think I go so late? So I don't run into W. I heard her convo because I was still talking with my friend and didn't have my ipod on at that time. She was talking loud enough for anyone near by to hear her it was that obvious. As soon as I finished talking to my friend I turned my ipod back on and continued my workout while W had her chat. I actually ended my convo with friend quickly so I wouldn't even have to listen to her. Nope, she is the one being juvenile in this sitch.

[gucci loafer]

some advice, IPOD AND tank top and spandex with banana inserted (in front)

[mza8]

hahaha...that will work. Love to see the look on her face with that outfit.

I'm feeling pretty good the past few days. I think I went through a tough couple of days last week. I'm doing a lot more things and expanding my life. I have a job interview tomorrow for a good job...better than my current job. If I get this job it will help me keep the house and give me more options. If this one doesn't work out I have some other possibilities.

I want to get my ducks in a row first before I confront W.

[mza8]

Finally got in contact with agent yesterday and I took care of the issues with agent.

I called W yesterday and left her a voice mail telling her I contacted agent and gave her the update about my talk with agent. I was very upbeat and talked to her like a friend. I told W many of the things CityGirl suggested. I reiterated to W that I will be moving back home. I also told W that I hadn't heard from her about the vacuuming and asked her to let me know when she will be able to do this. I was direct and kept with the topic. I finished by telling her she can call me if she has any questions otherwise I will talk to her later.

When I spoke to the agent she told me that my W seemed "stressed" when my W called her last week. Agent said my W had been calm in previous conversations but not last week. Said my W hasn't asked about apartments anymore. Agent also said my W told her that I would be moving back home. Funny how W told the agent this when she didn't respond to me about it when I emailed W about it last week. W definitely can't/won't address with me what she doesn't want to talk about...my moving back, her portion of the chores, etc.

I haven't heard back from W since I left her VM yesterday. More disrespect that she will not answer me about her cleaning house for open house this weekend. I told her that I will mow the grass and take care of the outside work for the open house but asked that she helped with the inside work. I've asked her twice now to help with vacuuming and no response from her. I won't ask a third time. If she doesn't vacuum before the open house (and I know she won't), I will tell her next week (after open house this weekend) that her unwillingness to help or at least give me the common courtesy of a reply is disrespectful to me and is unacceptable. Not sure what consequence I can do with this though. Being separated I can't force her to do much of anything. I could play her game and not do anything and let the house go to pieces but that's not standing up like a man and taking care of the responsibilities. I'll have to think on this one.

[CityGirl]

Hire a cleaning service and send her the bill!

Sounding good, mza8... I like it!