A lot of what you said is also true for me. This one especially:
Quote:
And then I have the urge to call up XW and say, please, just come home.
Oh how I've felt the frustration over this very argument. Having to go on into a routine life alone day after day feels like a waste of prime weeks/months/years where we could've been doing fun and productive things as a family. The feeling that man, this is not good for me, not good for the kid(s), life was so much better with her here when we were together as a family. How can she just walk away from it all? When will she snap out of it and call me and say she's sorry and that she wants to come back? And this is where I feel the peak of my desperation where part of me wants to speak up and say "she ain't coming back" yet the other part of me wants to keep that hope alive.
I too wonder sometimes how as a grown man I'm sitting here crying over a woman that's kicked me to the curb after everything I did for her (yes I wasn't perfect but I never would've give up on us like she did). I should be furious at her for ruining my family because of her selfishness. Sometimes I wonder if I was born 300 years ago and going through this what would things look like? I bet I would've been much tougher than I am today. I wonder how unlike what most people say marriages aren't like g/f and b/f relationships for people like us. We think marriages are forever and that's ultimately why we feel betrayed, blindsided and hurt. It's our expectation of it, for many WAS marriages are like other relationships where they continue to jump in and out of when it suits them. I'm coming to the realization that someone like the WAS who can just walk away from their family and their kids (even part-time) care enough about anyone else? If they don't even care about how their kids are affected or how they won't see their kids half the time what can you possibly expect from someone like that? It's useless to even want someone like that back, they've got issues and you can't fix them.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
OK, back on my feet. Sorry for the stream-of-conciousness post back there.
SR, we should make a deal to stop wondering so much. We ain't gonna figure it out.
I think that is the saddest part...we won't ever figure it out. Only a walk away spouse can think like a walk away spouse. For those of us who were prepared to honor our vows forever, the idea of walking away is so completely foreign that we drive ourselves crazy trying to understand.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
And all this is just useless emotional energy spent when really I just, simply, want to STOP, but then when I stop, I'm alone. And then I have the urge to call up XW and say, please, just come home. Except - when I talk to her, she's not really her anymore, there IS nobody to come home, except maybe that's who she was all the time after all and, oops, off we go again.
And so it feels like I'm stuck, except I'm really not, because I'll go home, I'll eat something, I'll mow the grass or wash the dog or something, things will get done, and I'll come back to work tomorrow, and time will pass, I'll live my life, and sooner or later things will be different. I know because that's what's happened already. Things are different than they were a month ago, or last winter, or last fall. So I struggle with looking for some event, making something happen, that will be some milestone, or signal that I'm in the next phase - some SOLUTION that will change things, because that's my nature. But nothing changes things. I really have this feeling that I just want to rest, sit still and be calm with someone that loves me, but it's more like I've got a pulled muscle, I can't get comfortable, and I really just need to keep working, alone, at being OK.
Wow....I so relate to all of that... My mom thinks I need to just 'really move on' however that looks to her. I am moving the only way I can right now, if it is slow motion to others, that isn't my problem! Hang in there G...
Geronimo, I can relate to what you write also and reading what you have to say helps me process my own thoughts and emotions about my own stbxw. You are not crazy!
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
Ah crap. I just realized that Saturday is my 11-year wedding anniversery. I think I've been avoiding looking at the calendar and knowing what day it is.
I'd like to treat this like just another day, but I know that's going to be hard.
God, it makes me mad. Last year we had a big party at our house, and afterwards, XW went out with friends. Yeah, including the guy that became OM. I was hurt about that, but I let her go. I was left to clean up alone. This was before mention of divorce but somehow seems like an appropriate metaphor.
I don't know, I've been struggling this week. I really don't want to indulge the the emotional turmoil, but again, seems like I need to process this head-on vs. pretending it's not significant.
Anyway. I did meet up with some buddies at a local bar last night for an "acoustic jam" so that was fun. Doing what I need to do. Funny that still, I need to focus on the basics of GALing and make myself do it.
Geronimo, you are doing fine. It's all a matter of time. That sucks because you can't wave a magic wand and have it be two years later. But as time goes on the pain goes away.
Back to a few posts ago. What if you called her and she just came home -- without making any changes. Do you really want that?
I've thought about my STBXW. What if she called and said it's too hard to handle the kids and finances alone and please come home.
That'd be hard to turn down -- but it would be hard to go back to. The sweet, caring person who looked to me as the center of her world ceased to exist a long time ago. Depression and anger over her lot in life took over and unless I was convinced she was getting help then it'd just be delaying the inevitable.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I can talk a good game - I'm going to be better off, the future is bright, my marriage was flawed and I see it now, etc.
Presumably a lot of us are on this site because we believe what MWD wrote. Marriage is worth saving.
So to be clear - do I think that if XW came home things would be better?
No, not really. There's pain, there is anger, there are trust issues, there is work to be done on ourselves.
Do I think I would ultimately be comforted by her being home? I don't know. Would it be false? Was if false before? If so for how long? Ha, if you think ingorance is bliss, then what is knowledge? Certainly NOT bliss.
Let's face it - I've got a hard road without her, for healing and for all the family things. And I think it would be a hard road with her too. It wouldn't stop the hurting.
So, for this question, I think it's about what you believe. Do I believe that marraige and family is worth saving? Yeah I do.
And let's face this - I'm going to have to do the work anyway. Going to have to work at healing myself. And going to have to work at any future relationship.
Funny, my family of origin, who taught me these values, I think would see me as absoltely crazy if I took her back.
I don't know what it means if you do it and your heart's not in it. If you can't get over it. If you're not secure with her heart not being in it.
I have a hard time being in the same room with her now without feeling emotional. And you know, I think I've had a creeping feeling for awhile at the end of our marraige, that something wasn't right, we were slipping away, and I remember feeling sad and not knowing why. I think that I knew on an emotional level that the M wasn't everything that I wanted, but it's not something I allowed myself to see.
God CTH, I don't know. You know, this isn't an option available to me and thinking about it is going to drive me nuts.
On an emotional level - yes, I would take her wiping all this away. I think there's a part of me that wants that when I see her - say some word, see some crack, that will stop the pain. But she really doesn't have that power. It's not like she can decide to give or withhold, and she's just being cruel. She's hurting too. She is a limited human being too. And, you know, there are probably times that she has wanted that from me too. So. There's no magic wand, yeah. There's no solution.
Thanks V1 -