No longer "stuck808". Now my name is Bond. "MrBond

[idontunderstand]

Mr. Bond,

Just had to stop by for a second. I have followed your sitch for quite a while, but when I saw that you got the in-laws involved, I figured I would comment just a little.

It wasn't until I exposed to my in-laws that things changed in my sitch. They found out that their daughter wasn't being totally honest with them. I also told them that I loved their daughter and wanted nothing but the best for her. I said that of course I had made mistakes and wasn't perfect. But, I had never cheated on her like she said, and I didn't stay out drinking all hours of the night after work like she said. They were very supportive and wanted us to work things out. They also assured me that she was not welcome in their home if she decided to leave. It seems like it may have been a turning point in my sitch. She has agreed to go to MC, so it's a step in the right direction.

In a way, I think I wanted to show them that I will not be shut out and forgotten and that this is how a husband and father acts to protect his family.

Me too. I guess this is all I'm trying to say. They will respect that and so should your wife.

Anyway, you have been here a lot longer than me and are handling yourself well. You have hung on longer than I think I could. Continued luck to you.

[MrBond]

IDU,

Thanks for the response. In my case I don't think the ILs are going to do anything and doubt that they are going to talk to her.

I think in alot of our cases it's all about timing. I never thought I'd last this long either, but I can say that our interactions now are better than what I thought they'd be a year ago.

I'm definitely still learning, but once I came to the realization that I am in control of my actions, things became clearer.

[Steve McQueen]

She pretty much just watches tv. The worst thing is that her favorite show is Gray's Anatomy where all the doctors sleep around with their nurses. And the nurses are shown as fawning all over the doctors whom they put on pedestals and sleep with them.

I think she puts herself in their shoes and sees how "wonderful" it would be.

she said this too you verbally? or you are imagining this about your wife in your mind?

[MrBond]

She didn't say this verbally. I actually read about her fantasy in a letter she had written to the OM. She had also told me before about how all the nurses had a "crush" on the OM. Since she was his primary nurse, she had exclusivity to go with him everywhere and they spent the most time together.

I shall forever refer to him as Dr. Douchebag.

[MrBond]

So last night, when I called my Ds, I ended up getting into a R with my W.

The biggest thing that bugged the heck out of me was the fact that I didn't get an apology from her for anything (A, bad treatment, etc.). I know I'm supposed to let it go, but I figured, what the heck, I'll tell her what I need (from DB) and see what happens.

So I told her that I needed an apology from her. Not as a way to place blame, but as a way to start the healing and re-establish trust between us. I said the apology was something I needed to hear from her so I could start feeling more comfortable around her especially since she was hanging around so much. She said she "understood". Whatever that means.

Well I was glad I got it off my chest. Is she going to do it? Who knows. But I felt I needed to tell her in order for me to continue healing and trusting her again. I also have seen her old self coming out but she still has times where its almost like she had forgotten how to interact/treat me.

I told her again though that I forgave her for what she had done and I needed that for the trust issues.

This weekend is my time with our Ds. so I'm thinking of inviting her along to spend the time with us since the interactions have been very positive. We'll see.

[Steve McQueen]

So why are you Bond 007, again?

[MrBond]

Just found out one of my closest friends' son just passed away at 3 months.

She had been supporting me through all this and is a true DB'er. She saved her marriage and was able to make her M grow and thrive. Now her and her H are one of the strongest couples I know.

Makes you thankful with what you have even though our times seem the darkest.

[pigskin]

So I told her that I needed an apology from her. Not as a way to place blame, but as a way to start the healing and re-establish trust between us. I said the apology was something I needed to hear from her so I could start feeling more comfortable around her especially since she was hanging around so much. She said she "understood". Whatever that means.

I told her again though that I forgave her for what she had done and I needed that for the trust issues.

I don't know man, sounds a bit to me like one of those dads screaming at their son on the baseball field when it is obvious the kid has no desire to be there and is only there because dad signed him up.

I don't think you can ask for an apology. You will only get a fake one.

Never tell anyone you forgive them without them asking for your forgiveness.

[MrBond]

Yeah I was debating this for awhile, but I figured, what the heck. After two years it was about time I started getting what I felt I needed. I didn't get a negative response like before so it's good.

See before, my W would apologize for anything, even if I accidentally bumped her in the hall. Now there's nothing. As odd as it sounds, I actually have to tell her when she's doing something inappropriate as she says she doesn't realize she's doing it. So after I tell her, she now thanks me for it and actually remembers to do it now.

Another example is that when she comes over to play with the kids, she leaves the house a mess. So I told her a couple of weeks ago that I would appreciate if she would pick up after herself as it is still her home too and I didn't have the luxury of living with someone to help clean like she has her sister. Lo and behold, she started cleaning.

I also mentioned to her that she stopped looking at me when we would talk. After I did that, she now has constant eye contact.

It's almost like I had to remind her of how to act with me again. I think she made me out to be such a bad guy that she threw all the good actions out the window. There was something I had read about MLC in that the LBS needs to be the one who keeps the WAS on track because the WAS isn't acting rationally. It's like establishing boundaries, etc.

And I know all this stuff I'm doing isn't being viewed negatively because I actually see more of my old, smiling wife emerging week after week. Pushing, encouraging and patience.

[MrBond]

Oh and for the forgiveness part, it was something my C said to try. I think it helped me telling her that I forgave her. I think the main person she can't forgive is herself. If she can do that, then she'll be able to feel a sense of remorse. Times like that I wish she'd get some C, but I can't control that.