PT, CW, and Ericmsant - Again, thank you for your words. I am finding it difficult to remain "steady" with so much going on. I understand that I must "Live" in order to get better and the advice and insight I have gained here has meant so much.
I am not sure what my life really means at this point and I an trying to figure that out. I guess I am still searching to understand the reason for me being at this place in my life. My personality demands that there is a reasoning behind all of it. However, I also realize that I may never fully understand or have the answer.
Eric - While I have spent some time with friends, I will think about spending more time with my mom and sisters. I am very close to one sister who I speak with on almost a daily basis. It is still difficult (with my mom and other sister) for me considering our family history. However, I reach out more.
I hope each of you make the best of the holiday weekend even if you have to work. Have a good one!
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
I am having a difficult time right now. I have been alone for 5 months and I want to end it all finally. This doesn't work for me. Thanks for your words over the last few months. I am signing off.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
I decided to write down everything I am feeling today. I am in deep misery. As some of you may know, I have been struggling with my faith. I understand that faith is a personal belief in our relationship with God. I have determined through countless prayer and recognition of my past transgressions and behavior that I am unworthy of a reconcile marriage, a great career, or even great friends. I have not been a good friend. I was not always a kind wife (loving, yes), I was a demanding boss who wanted things my way. When I compare myself to those who friends, neighbors and family members who have what I called "halo values", I am the least deserving of "good" things to come my way.
No, I am not having a pity party. I have accepted that I am lost to God because I lack faith. I believe and know this to be true for several reasons:
1 - Those people who are TRUlY deserving have a steadfast faith in God's very existence and his holy words; 2 - We want what we desire but cannot have. People (earthly beings) apparently cannot change God's will; and 3 - Doing good and expecting something (anything) in return is proof that one is not living by the notion that "God loves a cheerful giver".
Where do I stand in the above?
Well I have no faith because I cannot reason on understand why God permitted my abuser to abuse me for several years and then become an ordained minister? The irony is unbelievable.
My good friend (we will call her J) has ALWAYS been amazing to me; I have not always if ever been a good friend to her. She is now experiencing issues with her MIL and H. She is also a WONDERFUL mother. She is steadfast in her faith and believes that God's grace is purposeful and almightly. Yet, she is experiencing pain in her life.
My neighbor, who was an amazing person, suddenly dies after being diagnosed with ovarian cancer.
They were ALL deserving; they had faith, they did good. Compared to me, I am to expect nothing because I have done nothing nor believe.
- BTW, my H called me at work today to say he has time to see me before he is shipped overseas. The problem - he is still lying and indicated to quote, "I feel enormous guilt for what I did, but I still do not believe we are good together".
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
I am struggling so much. I want what I want and I feel guilty for that. I am so very lonely and heartbroken about my life. I wanted to trust in God, something to heal my marriage and pain.
It seems as though we are not to expect anything out of life. Maybe I am punishing myself for the pain I have caused to others. However, based on what I hear from the few people in my life, I must learn to live (easier said than done) MY life. Well, life is unknown to me. I have taken something to get me through - to relax. Eric, Mila, if you are out there, thank you (and Sandi) for reaching out.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
I apologize for the multiple posts, but my thoughts have been "rolling" thoughts.
I have been on a long journey over the last two and half years. And in that time, confusion, depression, and solemness were a big part of my day to day life.
Many folks (i.e. my family, husband, friends, in laws) believe I am strong enough to handle this crisis and that I will be okay (I actually deplore when people tell me this). If you get advice, you get “.....do what will make you happy”. This advice is one that contributes to destroying a marriage. So one day your happy, the next day you're not and you decide to end your marriage. In many cases, we act out of anger. And when we come to critical decisions based on anger, we often make the wrong decision. But we move forward with the wrong decision to “save face”; so that we do not have to admit that “we were wrong”. Unfortunately, the “I’m right, you’re wrong” mentality has not helped my relationship with my H. Where is the submission? Where is the humility? Pride makes a person self-centered, wrapped up in thoughts of her own comfort, own well-being, own opinions, and own points of view - often dismissing or excluding others (including the LBS) in the process.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
