My Life and Husband's MLC

[DestinyUnknown]

I decided to write down everything I am feeling today. I am in deep misery. As some of you may know, I have been struggling with my faith. I understand that faith is a personal belief in our relationship with God. I have determined through countless prayer and recognition of my past transgressions and behavior that I am unworthy of a reconcile marriage, a great career, or even great friends. I have not been a good friend. I was not always a kind wife (loving, yes), I was a demanding boss who wanted things my way. When I compare myself to those who friends, neighbors and family members who have what I called "halo values", I am the least deserving of "good" things to come my way.

No, I am not having a pity party. I have accepted that I am lost to God because I lack faith. I believe and know this to be true for several reasons:

1 - Those people who are TRUlY deserving have a steadfast faith in God's very existence and his holy words;
2 - We want what we desire but cannot have. People (earthly beings) apparently cannot change God's will; and
3 - Doing good and expecting something (anything) in return is proof that one is not living by the notion that "God loves a cheerful giver".

Where do I stand in the above?

Well I have no faith because I cannot reason on understand why God permitted my abuser to abuse me for several years and then become an ordained minister? The irony is unbelievable.

My good friend (we will call her J) has ALWAYS been amazing to me; I have not always if ever been a good friend to her. She is now experiencing issues with her MIL and H. She is also a WONDERFUL mother. She is steadfast in her faith and believes that God's grace is purposeful and almightly. Yet, she is experiencing pain in her life.

My neighbor, who was an amazing person, suddenly dies after being diagnosed with ovarian cancer.

They were ALL deserving; they had faith, they did good. Compared to me, I am to expect nothing because I have done nothing nor believe.

- BTW, my H called me at work today to say he has time to see me before he is shipped overseas. The problem - he is still lying and indicated to quote, "I feel enormous guilt for what I did, but I still do not believe we are good together".