still separated, headed for D?

[newmama]

am struggling with guilt today about S. I should have waited longer than a month after WH said he was ready for kids.

[newmama]

ok so now I have been reflecting on all of these things

1) I need to figure out how to forgive WH. I don't want to carry this heavy feeling around and this resentment and bitterness.Even if we divorce I WANT to find a way to forgive him.

2)I made so many mistakes in my marriage. Sure I know plenty of others do and their spouses don't cheat or walk away. But mine did. It will help me to make peace with the divorce if I can remember my part in hurting our marriage.

3)I do make plans and do stuff but when I am at home I am on this DB forum too much! Need to limit my time here.

4)I am tired of being the only one with hope left for my sitch...well my SIL might but she isn't being emphatic about it. I don't even know if people here on DB forum have hope! It is really hard to have hope alone.

[gatsby11]

I DEFINITELY have hope for your specific sitch. The timeframe is the fuzzy part. On the one hand, you've put in a lot of time and you might be very close. On the other hand, it might be a lot longer.

So you have the power to decide what you want. It can be liberating but incredibly frustrating because you don't know if you are choosing the 'right one'. So follow your heart. Slowly.

Also, I understand the guilt about S, but things just happen the way they do. I tend to think that S arrived at the time he did for a reason. Of course, I'm that eternal optimistic fatalist. I personally believe my little girl survived all kinds of odds to be here. So it must have been fated.

[WhatNow]

I have hope for your M! You have said Go ahead with the D, and he hasn't. Even if he had, there is still hope! I have read too many stories where even after D, the WS 'wakes up' out of the fog.

Re 1): I do not know if I have forgiven H yet. A lot depends on how this turns out! I think I have to forgive each violation, each cruel thing he has said and done. Once I feel I have forgiven H, a new memory hits and leaves me incredulous and angry all over again.
Bruce Fisher's 'Rebuilding when a relationship ends' is helpful. I am still on the second building block tho!

Re 2): Don't be too hard on yourself!

Re 3): I am trying to stay away from the 'time killers' too. I am not on here as much as it seems. I walk by the computer and if there is an email I read it. I do the same w/ the TV! So I get 5 or 10 minutes of lots of shows. Yikes

Re 4) I don't know if I would have understood what I am doing pre-DDay either. I have 2 dear friends who have been sooo supportive. I feel so lucky to have them! Everyone else thinks I am nuts for not kicking him to the curb! It isn't like I am sitting here pining away for H. You aren't either! Sometimes I wish he were dead...then I'd have a map of tradition to follow. (And casseroles! And the insurance $!!!)

Unrelated: A question I have been pondering about DBing...

At some point R talk must happen, right? Or do we let them go without a word? without any calm discussion about what has happened? This would be a good step toward forgiveness, wouldn't it? When H brings it up...about once a week lately, I side-step it. At what point do I respond?

[newmama]

back from the store...sheesh it looks like I was fishing for sympathy! I was having a pity party! blech! I don't have to be miserable if I don't want to be- it's all in the mind, right?


ok I searched the internet for success stories after separation and there were several. Many were on these 2 religious websites where the left behind spouse "kept the faith" and never gave up hope. They prayed and just waited. I am wondering if they were on religious websites because more religious people are opposed to divorce? KWIM? anyway, I was inspired because it seemed like it was just a matter of time. Some were 2-3 years! Some were after divorce! So it's not just the 25 stories here on DB! (lol- I bet there are more than 25)

[newmama]

Thanks Gatsby and Whatnow- glad to know you both still believe! Seriously!
I will definitely check out that Bruce Fisher book.
And yes, TIME is really on my side. This is my choice- I am not a victim- and you are right, Gatsby, I need to slooowly follow my heart. So hard! But thank you, WHatnow, for pointing out that WH still hasn't filed for D. So I can believe that means more than just "he doesn't want to be the bad guy" which is what sooo many people tell me!
But I think what gets me down sometimes is seeing other moms and dads with their babies. Like today at swim class, this dad came and he and his wife were both just cracking up over their baby and truly bonding together.


OK about the R talk, Whatnow....I remember reading or hearing that if THEY bring it up, we "can" talk about it! We just aren't supposed to be the ones to initiate it. So your H is bringing it up WEEKLY? How is he supposed to discuss reconciliation with you if you won't talk, you know? Unless he still hasn't ended the A with OW. Have you said "we can talk when you dump that ho?"

[courageous wife]

NM!!! I have hope for you!!! None of us would be here if we didn't have hope! Sometimes we need to be reminded of what we are standing for and that is why this is a wonderful place!

You are doing a wonderful job of taking care of you and your S and your H knows that and I think it is awesome how involved he is with his S. It is not over until the Fat Lady sings!!!!

Thankyou for posting that link on my thread! I spend way too much time on here too but as you know, no one understands what we are going thru like the people on here do!!! We need each other!!!

[newmama]

Thank you, CW!! I guess you are right that we come here because we all have hope. I get mixed messages sometimes though.

But anyway, my latest blab is that I am looking into how to forgive. One suggestion from this link http://stress.about.com/od/relationships/a/how_to_forgive.htm

was based on research...that when we actually can find the benefits we have received from the negative situation, (through journaling) can help us to forgive more easily. So I will be doing that (in an actual journal!)

here is another tip:
Try to remember the other person’s good qualities, assume that their motives were not to purposely cause you pain (unless you have clear indicators otherwise), and you may find it easier to forgive.

and another:
It’s important to understand that forgiveness is not the same as condoning the offending action, and it’s OK (and sometimes vital) to include self-protective plans for the future as part of your forgiveness process. (to ensure the bad treatment doesn't happen again)


OK a random tidbit from a different site:
"forgiveness can never happen as long as you are still needy. As soon as you forget the person you loved and love someone else you will easily be able to forgive him because you don't need him anymore." lol! I GET IT- dating is how I will forgive WH!

"The bad feelings you get when someone hurts you will disappear if your subconscious mind believed that no one will hurt you this way again. After all these bad feelings can be nothing but a cry from your subconscious mind asking you to prevent such events from happening in the future.

So to summarize this all, becoming stronger will help you forgive people and promising yourself that you won’t let anybody hurt you again will ease the pain you get when someone does something bad to you."

GAL today: swim class, pigged out all day but tried new bread (challah with raisins) and new ice cream (Rootbeer float).

GAL plans for tomorrow: take S to get haircut and park IF it is sunny!, go to tumble class, meet J and her son for dinner
(eat less to balance today!!)

[CityGirl]

Very good post.

I have been keeping a journal since middle school. It's a very important part of my life.

Last summer (hot mess, lol!) my journal was, well, extreme. A few days ago I read it and it was actually a very good experience. What seemed so devastating last year is almost comical to me now. It is a good way to gauge your growth (not you per say, just generally speaking).

I am sure a year from now what I am writing will seem ridiculous that I even shed one tear over!

[WhatNow]

am struggling with guilt today about S. I should have waited longer than a month after WH said he was ready for kids.

That's Mommy Guilt. You will find it everywhere! with everything! Don't let it get you down too much. Your S will pay you back during the teen-age years! lol!

When my kids are bugging me, I remind them that I wacked each of their heads on door jams when carrying them around as babies...not on purpose of course! Duh, I still feel a lot of guilt about that... Now I think I could have found them a more stable father... See, it is everywhere....