Need a Plan for My Marriage

[LSG]

You could be right, but I do not know if I can trust anyone right now. I just need to inject the positive into myself and be able to do that without feeling that I need someone to make it happen. I just want to come and go and be me whatever that is. I want to just be happy with me right now, and show the kids what a good parent does for them and theirself.

I just don't see the future so brightly lit yet without my wife. I had so many dreams that we would share together, and it will take me time to not see her in them anymore. I am moving so slowly, but it is my pace I guess. I want to feel that I am a good person again, and I just don't feel that anymore. I use to feel good about myself, but I don't feel good about the things I have to do in my divorce to protect me and the kids and my time with them without her. I just hate the feeling of being angry at her and loving her so much. It just hurts me so bad!!! I am a caring and kind person that just wants to do the right thing, and nothing feels right now.

I wonder if it ever will again. I don't want to feel this way forever. I need to keep my hope that I feel I am losing a little more everyday.

I love my W so very much, and I miss her everyday even though I see her everyday. It make me cry from time to time. I cannot believe that I am so weak these days.

I want to tell her I love her so much, and I want our marriage, but I know I should not do that. I miss telling her so much how I feel. I miss holding her in my arms. I miss being close to her and helping her when she needs me. I miss her needing me. I don't want to feel this way because I need to be strong to fight in the divorce. The kids are the only reason that I fight at all. Everything else really does not matter. I could lose everything, but not my kids. I wish I had not lost my W that I love so much.

[LSG]

IDU,

I thank you so much posting here. I feel so much the same way you do about things and ours sitches. You make me feel not so alone. I see the way you handle yourself, and it keeps me going for another day. I have so much respect and admiration for you.

You are good person, and if anyone here can make their M work, it is you.

Even if you don't, you will be okay.

The ups and downs are so strong this week that I just have no control over my emotions.

I am glad you feel that I am doing better, but I feel so lost and that I have not lost everything that I will before this M is finalized in a D.

I keep on hearing these words from my W everyday that "I may have never loved you." It hurts me everyday, and I hear them in my head all the time. Now she has found someone else to give her heart, soul, and mind to and it is not me. Apparently she never did give her heart, soul, and mind ever.

I never stopped loving her. I act like I don't, but I do.

Thank you for your support.
P.S. All I have ever wanted is to love her and be loved by her. I blew it so bad!!!

[LSG]

I just hope someday she will know how much she means to me and how much I love her.

I am so sorry to her for my failures such as no job and not being the man and husband I always wanted to be. I hope someday that she will know I tried.

[idontunderstand]

Thanks for the kind words, but you have helped me as much as I have helped you. Go back and read some of my posts from a month or so ago. I was falling apart. Some people here I guess have a natural instinct about how to do things "right" before they get here. I didn't. I think most of us don't. We have to be taught. We have to learn and put that knowledge into action. I still continually screw up even though I think I am doing it right.

Don't beat yourself up so much:

All I have ever wanted is to love her and be loved by her. I blew it so bad!!!

Yes, you made your share of mistakes, but she is the one who has decided that the vows the two of you took meant nothing. She is the one who has decided that the kids are better off without a full time father. IT'S ALL B.S.!!!

Don't pay any attention to her when she says she may have never loved you. That, too, is B.S. In her state of mind, ending the M will be getting rid of you and take the pressure off of her to do her part in fixing things. Well, guess what; you have kids together, you are their father and you have as much a right to be a part of their lives as she does. She may be able to limit the time you spend with them. (I confess, that is a big fear of mine also. :() But, she can never take them from you. She is making you out to be the bad guy to ease her own conscience. You know better and she does too.

I wish I had the answers for you, I really do. I think you have some of them and know what you need to do. It sucks, no doubt about it. I know the job situation is an added downer. All the more reason to suck it up and do what you need to do. Some of the changes I have made have helped me not only in my personal life, but at work, also. I walk around with my head held high, I am more confident and have received some perfomance bonuses and added duties that management said they thought I was ready for. The changes are for you! They bleed through to other parts of your life, and that's a good thing.

I know you are down, but you can and must do this. Come here for advice and to vent. I would be a big steaming pile of goo if I had not found this place. You are stronger than you think right now. Trust me!

[LSG]

IDU,

I am so sick and tired of being worried about what is going to happen. It will happen if it happens. I am tired of her and what she is doing. I am going to do my best keep positive and do what is best for me and my kids.

I have been polite to her, and I even covered her with a blanket because I would do this for anyone. I did it because I want to continue to be a person that I am happy with still. I felt good, and I did not feel any anonymosity about anything tonight.

The kids both wanted to sit next to me on the sofa tonight, not her which never happens. It felt nice, and they seemed happy to be with me.

After I took the kids out playing in front of the apartment with some friends, we came inside. Right after that she opens the door. I wonder where she was or if she was watching us with the OM. I know I should not wonder about this, but it was too coincidental. Strange actually.

I am doing better tonight, but I could be back to feeling down again, and I so much do not want that to happen. I have keep strong for myself and the kids.

Thanks for being here to support me.

[LSG]

I have been being myself, and it feels good. I am saying good morning and being polite, but I am not kissing a$$. I like this way much better. She is still being the same awful person, but it does not mean that I have to be that way too, and I will not.

Here is to a new and good day!

Keep healing your heart, mind, and souls everyone!

[DaddyLongShanks]

LSG,

While they are the master of their "fog", you will start to "laugh" at their distortion due to your new attitude. Have alot of fun, it helps.

[TimeHeals]

While they are the master of their "fog", you will start to "laugh" at their distortion due to your new attitude. Have alot of fun, it helps.

I know exactly what you mean here. Once you just accept everything and start moving on with your own life, some of the stuff they do just seems kind of funny. I am not trying to be mean by that either. You just realize there is something going on that has nothing at all to do with you anymore.

[LSG]

DLS,

I am trying to have more fun at least with the kids.

I did become irritated when she said that she was going to take our daughter to a free trial soccer practice without telling me. I told her I will be there too. She said do you have money to pay for it. I said it is free. She just shut up. I will be there for any of my kids activities whether she initiates it or me.

My daughter really does not care. It is just her moms way of trying to do something to make her look good. She does not ask them. She just does it.

I am really happy that I am standing up for myself and my kids.

I do not have much money because she hordes it all for herself. I will be okay no matter what.

[LSG]

TH,

She has distorted reality so much, it is just pitiful and yes laughable to me. It is so weird how much her reality is so skewed since the OM. She is such a different person. She is nothing like the W I married.

Everything that has happened will all fall on her at this point, and she will have to live with consequences of her decisions and actions.

She is going to face that reality by the Big D or me being out on the street. The kids will know what she has done someday to their father.

They love me, and she is trying to take that away, but it is not possible, and I am not going anywhere out their lives ever.