newmama- I want to hear everyone's perspective...it can only help me. I feel hopeless, and I feel "done"...but I guess the fact that I'm here and going to a counselor says something differently. I want to feel like there is hope, but when I look on the past, and around me today...I see none. I'm going to take all of your advice and continue to try..
My life is passing me by, I'm unhappy, I want another child that my clock is ticking loudly saying it's never going to happen...... I feel guilty staying in a marriage that feels like a sham.
M 39 H 39 1 son, 7
Multiple affairs before/during/and after separation, came clean, went to Retrouvaille, forgave each other, Piecing for over a year, same problems exist, back to counseling
Thanks so much Sandi. I needed that. When I try to explain something about my husband, it does come across as excuses.......I'm just trying to explain more so that maybe someone can help me more.....
Thanks so much for understanding. I feel less alone.
M 39 H 39 1 son, 7
Multiple affairs before/during/and after separation, came clean, went to Retrouvaille, forgave each other, Piecing for over a year, same problems exist, back to counseling
feel hopeless, and I feel "done"...but I guess the fact that I'm here and going to a counselor says something differently.
OK whatami, I was just checking. And reading sandi's post helped me to see that I was viewing your description of your H as "excuses" instead of validating your "reality." (((HUGS))) I'm sorry that I thought you were "giving up" whatami!
YES you are trying! and if your H can wake up and see that you are desperate for his help and effort it will help you so much! So how to get through to him...
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Newmama- I'm not totally giving up...I want to try...I'm feeling hopeless, and like I have tried in vain already......I'm looking for something to tell me that things will change...
My H is trying, too. It's just that he is who he is, and I am who I am.....we don't seem to click in that way a married couple should. I don't know.
Pup, you out there? How are you and your w doing? We had similar issues I think.
M 39 H 39 1 son, 7
Multiple affairs before/during/and after separation, came clean, went to Retrouvaille, forgave each other, Piecing for over a year, same problems exist, back to counseling
I feel that I am baiting you with this question.....and honestly I am not......I am truly curious. You said earlier on this thread about you not having sex with your W since reconciliation because you didn't feel like it, and I asked you about that. You said you would reply and so far you haven't.
I just wondered, if your W had an A.....and I don't know your history but am guessing it was a PA......and now you are refusing to have sex with her- don't you worry she will stray again?
Is your M now harmonious? I am truly curious as I personally feel that that physical closeness is such an important part of my M,( not the most important part but still an important part).
I know that you busted the A, but is that where it ends?
I am sorry if I am getting too personal, It's just I feel it's confusing. Also I think it is useful for folks to have a handle on the circumstances of a person advising them as it helps them see 'where that person is coming from'.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Yes, it was a PA. My wife doens't press me for sex right now either.. we are both processing all the damage right now more or less... We are just being close friends, spending time with each other, doing things together, living our lives, inviting each other INTO our lives again... We still hug each other, and we still hold hands and kiss each other good by when I go out to work, but that's as far as either one of us is moving.
It shouldn't end with busting the affair no... It most certainly should involve a thorough house-cleaning of the relationship, but that' can't start until you feel safe with and respect one another... We need to do this together and that takes a team, not two people who are angry and isolated emotionally...
And people DO avoid sex when they are dating at first.. that's NOT the first thing that happens (usually, and I would argue its healthier for the R if the sex is kept under control, its a good test of their maturity... if they run right into bed, they don't have a lot of self control and the relationsihp isn't likley to last long term). I am just learning about who this woman is again... She more or less feels the same... There's no pressure on either side in my home.
And people DO avoid sex when they are dating at first.. that's NOT the first thing that happens (usually, and I would argue its healthier for the R if the sex is kept under control, its a good test of their maturity... if they run right into bed, they don't have a lot of self control and the relationsihp isn't likley to last long term).
I had to smile to myself when I read this Allen. It makes me sound ' a right floozy' as we would say over here, as my H and I got together on our first real date. On your scale we shouldn't rightly still be together I guess - lol
I have come to the conclusion that it was largely due to me having had quite a bit of therapy and having already gone through much introspection, when I discovered about my H's A, that H and I were able to recover so quickly. We had a team of sorts, of professionals, already set up to help when the BIG crisis hit. They helped me hit hard and fast at my H. I also think my H's A was coming to a natural end.
However, the physical side of things was also a huge help in the healing process.
Thank you for your answer to my question. It really helps to see what others experiences are.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
The two of you can still be together, my point is if a couple can't find the maturity to control themselves until they know each other well and rush into sex then that does signal some trouble is likley due ahead of you... I can't imagine that's the only instance of self control not exercised in the marriage... the A being an obvious second...
Interesting feedback from Saffie and Lotus regarding perspective of "reconciliation" sex after an A. If I found out my W had an A, it would negatively effect my sexual desire for her.
Allen....you never commented on my list or answered my questions.
M 39 H 39 1 son, 7
Multiple affairs before/during/and after separation, came clean, went to Retrouvaille, forgave each other, Piecing for over a year, same problems exist, back to counseling
